Page 66 of Teach Me To Sin
I can see myself crouching on the edge of the pool, lost, waiting for the day I felt free from my father. I thought it would be the day I testified against him, or the day he went to prison, or the day after that, or the day after that. It never came.
But I’m not on the edge anymore, and in the moment I dove, the man didn’t cross my mind at all. I didn’t need him to set me free; I just needed a big enough reason to erase him, even for a second. Because he just doesn’t fucking matter. While humans are fighting for tiny scraps of power and happiness, water is changing the shape of continents and sustaining every living thing on this planet. My father has always been a giant to me, but as I think about all the strong, good people who have entered my life in the last six years, I start to realize what a small man he was, petty and filthy and meaningless. A stain on the world, but not even an impressive one. Barely a scratch.
He can’t do anything to me because I’m greater than him the same way water is greater than us both. I tried to say this in my TV interview, but I didn’t actually believe it. Now, with Benji in my arms and Colson in the house behind me, I can almost laugh at the thought that I would let someone so insignificant steal the people who have made my world immeasurably bigger and brighter. This needs to end, even if it means deconstructing the rules I put in place to stop myself from becoming him. I am a wide sea, with the sun bright on my waves, and he is nothing.
I hum into Benji’s shoulder. “The water belongs to us. Nothing can take that away. We don’t have to be scared.”
He twists around carefully until we’re face to face. His eyes drink me in, both aware and unaware of everything going through my head. Pressing his wet lips together, he rests his forehead against my jaw. I feel his hand squeeze my hip under the water. “I don’t know if I’m allowed to say I love you yet,” he whispers into my neck. “So I won’t. But I want to.”
I kiss the top of his head. “Me too.”
Benji
After Alekand I goof around in the pool for forty minutes, playing random kids’ swimming games he knows from work, we go inside to help Colson cobble together some lunch. I don’t think Alek told him about his hang-ups with water, but the lawyer never misses a single thing. He watches us laugh and drip on the floor, and when Alek comes around the counter, Colson brushes his fingers through his wet hair and kisses his forehead before letting him pass. I love watching them touch each other, almost more than I love it when they touch me. It’s like watching flowers that were shut tight all winter gradually spread open in the sun.
I’m eating a very wonky sandwich that I slapped together and enjoying the slow, teasing arousal that comes from knowing we’re going to fuck later, when Alek’s phone rings for the first time since we left Seattle. All of us jump at the shrill, unwelcome sound. “It’s Tate,” he announces as he picks it up. “I’ll be right back.”
It hurts a little when he leaves the room and I hear the door to the guest bedroom closing, but I get it. If my father has found some new way to torment him, he wants time to process before he brings it into our new dynamic. After ten minutes of listening to the clock on the wall tick, I push my sandwich aside and creep over to Colson’s armchair by the window. He doesn’t say anything, just moves his plate and lets me curl up on top of him with my face in his shoulder. “I’m sure it’s fine,” he murmurs. “And even if it’s not, he won’t blame you.”
He’s probably right, but I still feel like shit. I’m like the door that let in a rush of darkness to hurt one of the kindest, most generous men in the world. The darkness isn’t the door’s fault, but if the door hadn’t been so weak maybe it wouldn’t have broken open.
I don’t realize I said that out loud until Colson sighs. He takes my unhurt hand in both of his and plays with it while he sorts out his thoughts. “I think all three of us are weak. We’re a little bit wrong. But if we weren’t, we wouldn’t be here right now.”
When Alek reappears, he doesn’t look happy, but he doesn’t look devastated, either. “The police report came back. They found four starting points for the fire around the building, all near the floor. And the lab found traces of kerosene in the debris they analyzed.”
The room goes silent for a minute. “So you’re saying it was definitely an accident,” Colson deadpans.
Alek blinks at him in confusion, then melts into a reluctant smile. “Yeah. I told Willow to stop leaving her curling iron on in the staff bathroom. And to keep her accelerants at home.” He sits on the edge of the coffee table and rests his chin in his hand. When he stares out the big living room windows, the light turns his eyes a deep blue-gray. “Unfortunately, they haven’t found any useful evidence, let alone anything tying it to the Atwoods. I think this investigation is going to die out and we’ll be stuck deciding if it’s even safe to start over.”
Colson grunts as I push myself up to face Alek. I feel his hands come to rest on my hips from behind, his thumbs brushing up under the back of my shirt as I talk. As much as I’m trying to make a serious speech, my body starts aching and pleading for more in response to his skin sliding along mine. “I don’t know what I can do, but I’m willing to talk to the authorities about my dad. I’ve saved most of his texts.”
“On the phone that’s currently at the bottom of the pool?” Colson mumbles, brushing his fingers lightly up my spine.
“No, Ibackedthemup,” I growl, “because I’m not you and I actually know how to do things.” He slides an arm around my chest, pulling me against his firm body and resting his nose on my shoulder. I’ve never been held and caressed as much in my life as I have the past three days. It’s bliss; I can feel it starting to rewrite all the years of lying around depressed in that house, permanently half asleep and caring about nothing. “But seriously,” I tell Alek. “If Gray or Colson or another lawyer could think of any way to get the FBI into that office of his, we win. He’ll be fucked from both ends. With a cactus. And I’ll testify or give evidence or anything I can do to help.”
“You would?” I didn’t expect Alek to ask in such a surprised, hopeful voice. He must not have gotten the memo that as far as I’m concerned, we’re a team now. An underdog team of three messy people who don’t know how to work together and aren’t good at much, but never, ever give up on each other. “I don’t know if we’ll succeed, but thank you.”
After he texts some info to Tate, we walk the dogs along the beach. This time we don’t go further than my legs can carry me home again, but Alek piggybacks me anyway, just because he wants to. When I start goading him, licking his neck and pinching his nipples through his t-shirt, he carries me out into the freezing knee-high water and gently dumps me into it while I’m struggling and screaming for mercy. Colson just watches with his arms crossed, refusing to come save me.
By the time we get inside, dry off, and feed the dogs, I can tell everyone’s starting to feel wound up and horny. Alek keeps adjusting himself, and Colson’s eye-fucking both of us while he drinks a glass of water.
“Okay,” I announce, slapping my good hand on the countertop. “We’re going to play an icebreaker game.” They both stare blankly at me, and I can practically hear the record scratch sound effect. “We barely know a damn thing about each other.” When Colson makes a sour face, I raise my eyebrows and spread my arms. “It involves stripping.”
“Sold,” they both say at the same time. When I burst out laughing, Alek flushes a little, ducking his head with a shy smile and bumping his shoulder into Colson’s.
“The rules are: each of us asks a question about ourselves. The other two have to guess the answer. Anyone who gets the answer wrong has to take off a piece of clothing. And if someone guesses right, the person who asked the question has to take off something.”
“Does the winner get a prize?” Alek asks immediately, perking up at the idea of a contest.
“Is sex not enough?” Colson scruffs the back of his neck, and I can practically see Alek getting hard.
“Everyone gets sex,” Alek mutters. “So it’s not really a winner thing. I’m just saying.”
“Jesus. If you win, I’ll steal one of the participation medals from your storage unit and write your name on the back in Sharpie.” I stand up impatiently. “Now can we start before one of us comes in our pants?”
While Alek goes to the bathroom, I settle in the corner of the couch. With a relieved groan, Colson splays out lazily across the sofa and rests his head in my lap. His almost black eyes staring up at me are playful and dangerous. I hold his stare, daring him to look away, until the air between us is simmering with heat. A smile twitches the corner of his mouth, and he tilts his head to kiss my t-shirt where it’s pressed against my abs. My dick wants me to say fuck the game, but my rational self wants to watch this train wreck unfold. I stroke the bridge of Colson’s nose, then his thick hair, and his eyes drift half shut.
A door slams, and Alek angles through the living room to an armchair across from us. I squint at his back. “Alek…”