Page 65 of Admittedly For Me
To touch their hands instead of gravestones.
Blowing out a shaky breath, I pull myself together, feeling a tad lighter even with thoughts that bring me sadness. It shocks me enough to take a pause.There.If anyone can help me heal, it has to be me.
The realization continues to snowball as I begin my trek, going wherever my feet decide to take me. I’m not ready to dive right in, but dipping my toe in and knowing I can pull through is enough for now. Enough for today.
The evening breeze turns cool and the longing in my chest grows, realizing how much I’ve missed the late September nights here. Passing the nature trail, I smile to myself. My friends and I always spent the night before back to school, riding to the lake at night. We weren’t into the party scene, but there was a quiet section we found and made our own. The night would pass while reminiscing about our summer, planning our futures as the sun faded behind the trees. Veering right on the sidewalk, I reach downtown. Locals and tourists gather around the fried chicken canteen and ice cream hut, giving the area so much life.Children’s eyes light up as they toss coins into the small fountain. I hope they can hold on to their childhood much longer than I did.
I lean against a tree in the grassy area, watching kids climb the tree I played on as a child. Parents smile and couples sit on blankets, enjoying the nice evening. That could be me. Me and Ian, if I really wanted. But loving him and potentially losing him one day in death causes my stomach to churn. At least my parents didn’t have to miss each other.
“I know that hair color anywhere,” a young voice speaks behind me.
Turning around, I see Sophie smiling, taking a bite of her ice cream. Ian stands quietly behind her. “Hey, girlie! Enjoying your night?” Her bubbly smile helps brighten my mood a tad.
“Yes. There was a live band downtown earlier too.” Sophie glances up at Ian. He looks as tired as I feel.
“Your ice cream looks so good, but I don’t want to wait in the long line.” I laugh. I’m surprised they haven’t opened a second stand at this point.
“The line gives Uncle Ian and I time to catch up on our week.” She points her spoon toward me. “Except he hasn’t been in a talking mood atall.” Her eyes squint, giving him a suspicious look. “He should practice what he preaches when it comes to talking about feelings.” She shakes her head in disapproval.
“We should get going, Chickpea.” Ian holds a clipped tone and steps back.“We won’t be able to stay long at our next stop.” We both use Sophie as our focus. I didn’t want us to get to this point. I’ve hurt him. The last thing I wanted was to leave on bad terms.
“I don’t want you guys to be late.”
“Oh, lighten up, Uncle Ian.” Sophie leans against the tree with me. “And we can stay as long as we want there.” He glances toward the fountain, and I turn my focus back to Sophie. “When do you head back to Aspen?” I notice Ian’s jaw tighten as he crosses his arms.
“About three days.”
“About?” she giggles.
“Playing it by ear. Might be sooner, might be later.” I swallow the lump forming in my throat and want to end this conversation.
Her enthusiasm grows. “Leaving this town seems fun.”
“Aspen has been a beautiful adventure. Growing up, I never planned on leaving Beechwood Falls. This was home.” Till it wasn’t. I know Ian is listening.
“I don’t know if I could move too far from my uncle.” I follow her nod, and he turns back to us, watching our interaction. “He’s my rock.” I’m caught off guard by how comfortable she is talking about what she needs. “I can’t imagine running from him.” Little does she know how deep her last statement cuts me.
“Your uncle has a special way of understanding people.” Ian clears his throat, and while I try to smile at him, his doesn’t form.
“Yep!” She pushes off the tree, eyes lighting up. “You should come with us. Our Thursday tradition might be livelier with you around.” She giggles, looking up at Ian, who finally chuckles. I grin, but I’m not sure I find the humor.
“No, Sophie.” Ian shakes his head. “Emery won’t want––”
“I’d love to tag along.” I link arms with Sophie, shooting Ian a look. “Don’t make decisions for me.”
“Thank you.” Sophie smiles brightly, tugging me to follow.“I’d love for you to join us tonight.”
“You’re not going to let me finish my sentence?” Ian rubs his hand over his jaw, giving me his own look of warning.
“I think it will mean a lot to Sophie. She seems excited to invite me.” Plus, it will give me time to maybe put us on better terms before I take off this weekend. “This must mean a lot to her.”
“Okay. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.” The firmness of his jaw gives me an uneasy feeling, as we follow him to the truck. Sophie climbs in the back and Ian helps me up the large step before looking me in the eyes for the first time since he walked out of my house. “Don’t disappoint her.”
“Ugh, my allergies.” Sophie sneezes for the fifth time as we drive. Opening the glove box, I look for possible tissues. My lungs seize as the coaster I made reveals itself. I don’t need this right now. Ian looks at the coaster, then to me. With ears pulsing from the beat of my heart, I grab the tissue pack and hand it to Sophie.
I had forgotten about the coaster I made. Finally put my parents out of memory since talking to Sophie. My deep breathing doesn’t go unnoticed. Ian turns the radio up and glances in the mirror to check Sophie is occupied. I expected it to sit in a kitchen drawer or on top of the fridge of his house, pushed aside like I’ve tried to do with every hurtful memory I’ve encountered. But he put the coaster in the truck. Handy access if I ever miraculously decided I wanted it.
Ian’s eyes stay on the road as his hand reaches out to cover mine. My mind yells to pull my hand away and cross my arms, but I welcome his comfort. Tears threaten to surface, but I don’t let them fall. Sucking in my cheeks, I take another deep breath and hold it. Acknowledging a surface ache in my chest, my other hand covers his, squeezing tightly. I need to prove to myself that this sadness won’t physically harm me.