Page 161 of Lawless

It’s been swallowed up by pain and exhaustion, and I hate it.

Turning around, I try to get a look at my back, but it’s almost impossible with the number of bandages covering it.

I don’t really need to see. I'm more than aware of what it’ll look like. I remember it pretty vividly from the last time it happened.

I didn’t have a medic or a small yet fierce army to help get me through it then.

I was alone and had to figure out a way to push it all aside so I could return home to my wife.

They wanted to punish me, that was more than obvious when I followed orders and told Alana I had a job out of town. I was terrified that they were just trying to get me out of the way so that they could get to her. And if I was right, then the longer I was gone, the more chances they had.

Four days I was gone.

Four days hiding in a shitty motel while I waited for the worst of the lacerations to heal enough that I could put on a shirt and move without wincing.

I didn’t want her to know what I’d suffered because of our marriage.

She already felt guilty for being a part of my life. No matter how much I told her that I wanted her in it, she never believed me; I could see it in her eyes. The last thing she needed was to see the evidence of how much I was suffering because I made the decision to protect her at all costs.

With a sigh, I reach for the toothbrush Alana gave me yesterday, while I slumped on the closed toilet seat like a broken man as she cleaned me up.

I always used to love her playing nurse. But her cleaning up my knuckles or a busted lip after a fight was a very different experience to what we shared yesterday.

Once I’m feeling fresher, I shuffle over to take a piss.

I stay standing because there’s a very real chance that if I sit, I’m never getting back up, and this whole thing has been bad enough, I really don’t need anyone to drag me off the toilet.

The second I emerge, my eyes land on the empty bed.

There were three of us in it last night, but I have no memory of Alana or JD getting up. But seeing as the sun sits high in the sky beyond the light curtains, something tells me it might have happened a while ago.

I should get back in it and rest, that isn’t news to me, but the thought of lying back down is about as appealing as sticking pins in my eyes.

Now I’m up, I want to stay this way for a while.

I don’t want to be the invalid in bed everyone has to bring drinks and food to.

I want to be a part of this team that JD laid out to us all yesterday.

Dragging my hand through my messy, dirty hair, I focus on the stairs I can see through the doorway and I head in that direction.

Blood rushes past my ears as I make my way down. I’m sure I look beyond pathetic, making me even more relieved that I’m doing this alone.

It isn’t until I’m almost at the bottom and I can stop concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other quite so hard that reality begins to slip in.

“Fuck, she just gushed.” My entire body locks up and Reid’s raspy voice fills the air around me.

“You like this, don’t you, Dove? You like being at our mercy.Being our filthy little whore.”

My grip on the handrail tightens until my fingers begin to cramp.

They’re…

“Fuck.” I gasp, closing my eyes for a few seconds in an attempt to get it together.

I knew that Alana was fucking JD. I might not have seen them actively fuck, but I’ve seen everything else. I’ve even been a part of it.

But knowing that she’s doing… whatever she’s doing without me.