Page 37 of No Regrets
“He doesn’t understand. I am not the same person. I’m not the woman he knew. Things can never be the same.”
“What happened to you doesn’t define you unless you let it. You can either be a victim or a survivor. You will never forget. There will always be triggers, scars, physical and mental, but you can survive all of that and be a stronger version of the woman you were. Assuming you still don't want the fucker Lazir to win.” Claire raised her eyebrows with a grin.
Kelly smiled. This is why she liked this woman. She cut to the quick when it was needed.
“What if I see him and he wants it to be how it was? I don’t think I can do that. I’m not sure if I can ever do that. What if that’s not enough for him?”
“Stop worrying about what he wants and think about what you want. I can’t imagine he would think you would go back to being intimate just like that, knowing what you’ve been through. But if friends isn’t enough for him or he’s not willing to wait, that’s his problem not yours. Your timeline, Kelly, not his.”
Kelly finished her coffee and set down the cup.
“I’m not sure I know what the hell I want. But I do want to know how the hearing goes. I am worried about what’s going to happen to him and the team.”
“How do you feel about reaching out to Matt or Ryan? You’re very close to both of them.”
“Maybe. I just feel so guilty about ignoring them all these past few weeks.”
“You have nothing to feel guilty about. You needed time and they will have understood. I think deep down you know that, but perhaps fear is holding you back?”
“Perhaps a little. I mean I know none of those guys would ever hurt me, but I’m anxious about seeing them, which is crazy.”
“It’s not crazy. They might feel awkward about seeing you too. Frightened to say or do the wrong thing.”
Kelly stood up and stretched. “I never considered that. I don’t want them to treat me any differently. I’m still me.”
Claire grinned. “So, you are the same woman you were.”
"Yeah, OK, I’m contradicting myself.” She rolled her eyes. “I don’t want them to treat me like I might break, but we were all so close, you know? Hugs, kisses. I’m not sure how I feel about that stuff.”
“You don’t have to know. When the time comes, if it feels right, great. If it doesn’t, then just say you're not ready. I highly doubt you’ll hurt their feelings.” Claire’s sarcastic tone made Kelly smile. Perhaps she was overthinking it.
Claire stood, picking up her purse and keys. “I’m sorry, but I have to go. I can come back later if you’d like?”
“No. I’m OK. Thanks, Claire, for fitting me in, it really helped.”
“You’re welcome. Think about reaching out to Matt or Ryan. It’s time you started letting the people that care about you back in. As I’ve mentioned before that support is important. Perhaps just a text. You might be pleasantly surprised at how good it will feel.”
Kelly watched Claire leave then checked online for any further updates, but there were none. She knew it could sometimes take a few days for documents to be filed and the hearing closed officially. If she wanted to know sooner, she was going to have to be brave and pick up the phone.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Dex walked into the Sunshine Diner and glanced around. He recognized Sam in a booth, tucked away at the back. In his early fifties now, he still had the look, the aura of an operator. Dex spotted the sports page in front of him, highlighting last night’s Dodgers ball game as he reached the booth. Sam stood.
“Lieutenant Commander Dawson, thank you for meeting me.”
“Sir.” He shook Sam’s outstretched hand. “Dodgers not doing so well this season.”
Sam signaled the server and ordered coffee for them both. “It’s early yet. You a fan?”
Dex shook his head. “Padres all the way.”
“Ouch, perhaps this isn’t such a good idea then.” Sam grinned though, as the server brought their coffee.
“Commander, I’ll get straight to the point. I heard about what you did. Pretty impressive, undertaking that rescue, getting in and out undetected. Finding Lieutenant Kimber so quickly.”
“Er, thank you?” How did he know? He thought Sam was with an agency now.
Sam waved his hand dismissively. “You’re wondering how I know?”