Page 78 of Beautiful Trauma
“He’s with his father and fine.”
“He already lost Eli. I can’t let him think he’s lost me, too.” She pulled away, throwing her hands in the air.
“We will FaceTime him every day until you are better. Just like we’ve been doing. You aren’t in a place to parent. Don’t put this on him, too. He’s just a little kid. You don’t want him watching his mother in a tailspin, do you? Let Mason take over. You need to get your shit together before you go back to him.”
“What the fuck do you know about being a parent, Sergio? He needs his mother!” She shoved at my chest with both hands.
“I know you aren’t capable of being a parent right now. You’re a disaster, and he needs a stable adult.”
“I’ll be better. It’ll be fine.” She shook her head and waved a hand in the air to dismiss my concerns.
“Sorry, Cee. We tried that. Now we’ll try letting you hit rock bottom. I have it on good authority that is what you need.”
“You think I’m not already there? I’ve fucked it all up. According to you, I can’t even take care of my kid!” she screamed in frustration. I pulled her back into my chest to calm her down. After a couple of deep breaths, she quietly added, “I told him I couldn’t do this without him.”
“You can, and you will. I’m sorry he’s gone. Truly, I am. But you’re still here. So, let’s get this shit out of your system. Prove to the world you are the kick ass bitch we both know you are.”
She pulled away again and paced the room like a feral animal in a cage. “He loved me more than I loved him. It kills me to know he died knowing that. There was always an imbalance.”
The way she changed subjects when she got this drunk gave me whiplash. “Cee, you nearly died for him.”
She huffed. “You don’t understand. What I did was selfish. Purely for me. I needed to die first, so I didn’t have to live without him. He promised to get sober so I would live. He fought demons for me. I was just giving up on both of us. I never deserved him.”
“You were willing to throw yourself in front of a train for the chance to save him. That’s love. He knew you loved him.”
She crumbled to the floor, once again sobbing. “I couldn’t save him this time. I would’ve traded places with him.”
Joining her on the floor, I pulled her onto my lap and held her. I hated when she got like this. I much preferred her anger. At least I knew what to do with that. This just made me want to cry with her. I wanted to fix her. It was impossible, but I wanted to make everything better.
“I know it hurts, honey. Let it hurt, I’ve got you.” I kissed the top of her head, rocking her in my arms. “You’re right. He wanted you to be okay. He loved you.”
“I loved him so much. I still love him so much, even though he’s gone. God, I’m so sick of feeling this way. I’m so tired of feeling at all.”
The defeat in her voice tore at my chest. “I know. I know. But he made me promise…”
“What? What did he make you promise?”
“A lot of things. That I wouldn’t let you self-destruct when he was gone. A promise I’d make sure you moved on, and I wouldn’t let you settle.”
“I didn’t fucking settle!” She pounded her fist against my chest. “I didn’t! He was everything to me. I haven’t been a functioning adult since he left me.”
Grabbing her wrists, I reminded her. “I’m just the messenger.”
“Why? Why are you telling me this?” She was nearing hysterical. Crying. Screaming.
It was easy to tell her the truth when she was like this. “Because watching you fall apart is killing me. He told me to let you hit rock bottom. I fucked up before. I thought I was helping to keep you safe, but I think I delayed what needed to happen. So now I’m giving you a push and hoping like hell you climb back up. I need you to fucking climb back up, Kate. Please.” I wasn’t above begging at this point.
She stared into my eyes. “I thought you hated me.”
I chuckled. “You have that backwards. You’ve hated me for a while for trying to make sure you don’t do anything stupid. The only time you don’t hate me is when you’re wasted or need to fuck. If anything is true, it’s that I’ve grown too attached to you. I hope once you’re back to being yourself, we can be friends again, but it seems more likely that I’ll have to get over you. You’ll go back to hating me for being the one to force you to do the things you haven’t wanted to do, and that’s fine, but I can’t watch you like this. It breaks my heart.”
The only reason I could tell her this was because I knew she wouldn’t remember when she sobered up. She was way beyond the blackout stage.
But part of me wanted her to remember. Because I didn’t just care about Catherine Fuller. Elle was right, I fucking loved her. I just needed her to find herself again so I could show her she didn’t hate me and that everything I was doing wasn’t to punish or belittle her. It was to save her.
For both Eli and me.
“What if we compromise?” I asked.