Page 46 of Lost Boy

Our staredown continues before eventually, her brows pull together, and she looks at me with sad, heartbreaking eyes. I hate those eyes. I fucking despise them.

“Cade, I want to help you, but you can’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying,” I say quickly. Her words struck a nerve, angering me. “And I don’t remember asking for your help … so?”

“Why wouldn’t you have just told me sooner then? If it really is about pain, why keep it a secret?” Her eyes narrow, and her arms fold over her chest. “Just seems weird—that’s all.”

“I don’t know,” I answer. “Guess I just didn’t see a reason to. A lot of athletes need pain management.”

She isn’t buying what I’m saying, and that’s something I’m not really used to. With my parents, I can convince them I’m fine, and typically, they believe me. But the way Haley is looking at me, I can tell she sees right through me. She knows I’m filling her with bullshit right now. Blowing smoke up her ass to cover my own.

That’s what drugs do. They make you a selfish fucking prick. This is why I didn’t want to let her get close to me. I didn’t want to be responsible for putting that look on her face because she cares too much.

We’re not getting anywhere right now, just going in circles.

“Let’s go to bed,” I say, pulling her against me and kissing her forehead. “Okay?”

Her body is cold and stiff against mine. Nothing like how she usually feels. And most of all … I feel her emotionally pulling away, out of my reach.

I’m losing her, so I squeeze her tighter. “Okay, Haley?” With every second that passes, it seems like the wedge between us grows, and I feel the panic in my gut. “Angel … please?” I rasp, just wanting to hold her so I can forget that she probably knows the truth now.

Just as I feel my world falling apart, she finally nods. Maybe it’s because she believes me. Or perhaps she thinks she can fix me. Whatever it is, I’m grateful for it.

“Okay,” she whispers.

I don’t want to be this guy anymore. I want to be the man worthy of standing next to her. But I have no fucking idea how to get there.

Haley

Cade sleeps against me. Though he’s sound asleep, his arms remain tightly around me, holding me close to his body. Our bodies might be touching, but I still feel like we’re a thousand miles away from each other. Everything I thought I believed, I’m questioning it now.

I want to trust him when he says that the pills are only for pain management for his knee. But how can I when he’s never even complained in front of me that his knee hurts? I feel like, since we’ve gotten closer, there have been so many signs indicating something is wrong. Ones that I missed. Or maybe overlooked because I'd so badly just wanted him to notice me that when he finally did, I didn’t want to see his flaws or the signsthat he was pulling back when I was diving deeper, falling for him to the point of no return.

I don’t want to look at him differently. I don’t want to, but I do. How can I not when I just walked in on him getting ready to take pills from a bag in the middle of the night? And he has so many characteristics of an addict. I can’t help that my mind is going there. He’s so hot and cold. He’s moody. He is always cutting it close to getting to practice on time. And he randomly disappears and doesn’t come home when Watson and Hunter do after practice.

It isn’t fair of me to make assumptions with such little evidence. I’m letting my mind paint a picture that might not be completely true. So, I’ll dig deeper, and I’ll keep my guard up.

I tilt my head upward to get a good look at him—when he isn’t hiding behind his charming jokes or dimpled grin. The sadness on his face is more obvious now than it’s ever been. And the way his lips curve down, forming a frown, as he sleeps is something I’ve never seen before. I missed it. I ignored so many things because I was too busy chasing him. I never stopped to see him. Struggles and all.

My poor, lost boy. How did I not notice how much pain you were in before now? And why did it take me finding you in the bathroom with a baggie of pills to see you clearly?

This whole time, I’ve felt like he didn’t see me. Maybe I’m the one who had my eyes closed.

13

Cade

We head back into the arena, and the team prepares for our final period of the game. I move across the ice sluggishly, getting ready to do my part—the bare minimum, nothing extra.

Hockey is something I’m beginning to resent, and I never really thought I’d feel this way. There was a time in my life when hockey was everything. Now, it seems to be the opposite.

“Huff, are you fucking out here, or are you back home, jerking off?” Watson growls, skating next to me. “This is a big game for us. Get your shit together.”

“If I was stroking my chicken, you’d know it,” I toss back. “The whole arena would. Because, you know, it’s fucking massive.” I smirk. “Hell, aliens in outer space would probably even know.”

Shoving me lightly, he gives me a hard look. “Get it together, Cade. Right now, everyone is doing their best. Besides you. I’ve seen your best. This isn’t it. It’s far fucking from it.” He sighs. “Idon’t know what’s been going on with you lately, but whatever it is—too much partying, weed, women—just get it together.” He jerks his chin toward the team. “At least do it for them.”

Once he leaves, Hunter appears. Hunter is never quick to anger. Instead, he tries to be the voice of reason most of the time. I can already guess what will come out of his mouth before he even speaks.