Page 94 of If We Say Goodbye
“I was parked behind him, so he took my car instead.”
I inch away. “Well, I’ll come back later then.”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you,” she says, opening the door more and stepping out of the way to make a clear path for me. “Come in.”
I gulp. Why would she want to talk to me? Did Jordy tell her something? It’s not like she can keep me from seeing Caleb. It’s not her decision. My eyes dart in all directions, trying to discover an escape route, but I know running away won’t do any good.
I take a shaky step forward into the house. I set the bag and shoe box down, and I slip my shoes off.
“Would you like something to drink? Water? Tea?”
“I’m okay, thank you.” My voice is rusty, squeaking on every word forced out.
I scurry to follow her into the living room.
“Sit. Make yourself comfortable,” she says, sitting on the sofa.
I cautiously take a seat, but don’t relax an ounce. I tug my sleeves over my palms and fold my toes under.
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with my boys lately.”
I nod. “Caleb’s been driving me to school.”
“You know,” she says, leaning back. “Moms are good at figuring out what’s going on with their kids.”
My head grows heavy and sweat starts to gather above my brow. “I don’t know what you mean.”
She pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket. “Mind explaining this?” She unfolds it, revealing the silly little contract Caleb and I made. It’s all taped up, and she smooths it out before setting it down, pushing it my way. “I just knew there had to be more to this than a simple ride to school. You never paid attention to him before.”
It’s as if I've been torn in half, completely exposed.
“You’re using him, and I want you to stop,” she says.
My stomach clenches. I take a deep breath, hoping I won’t get sick. “That’s not true.”
“Really? Because it’s all right here in writing.” She taps the page. “The only reason you’re doing this is because you need something from him, and it’s my job to protect him.”
I can’t look at her because it’s true. I did use him, but that’s not what’s happening now. I genuinely want to be with him. I like who I am when he’s around. He soothes my edges, and he makes me feel like I’m not some lost cause that should be thrown away. I’m needed. I’m wanted.
I let out a shaky breath. “I care about Caleb, and I want to date him. Not because I need a ride to school, but because I like him.”
“You like him?” She clicks her tongue. “Then don’t you think he should know that you’re planning to leave for New York?”
I choke, patting my chest. “How do you know that?”
“Your mom mentioned it.”
“But it’s not for a few months,” I say.
“And somehow that makes it better? Do you plan on ending things before you go?”
I shake my head. “No, that’s not what I mean. I wouldn’t do that.”
She sighs, tilting her head. “I realize this is hard, but do you realize how rare it is for long distance relationships to work? You’re both going to be meeting different people. Trust me, you’ll only end up hurting him. You should break up with him now. We all know it’s inevitable. You aren’t good for him.”
Why is there a part of me that agrees? An ugly voice in my head she uncovered that suddenly has volume.
She didn’t say “if you hurt each other” or “if he hurts you” because she thinks I’m the one that’s going to mess everything up at some point.