Page 19 of On the Mountain

Fidgeted while I watched him suck it into his nose.

Sweat beaded along my skin.

My gut cramped.

I wanted it so fucking bad that I thought I would burst out of my skin.

He laid out another line. “Here you go, babe. I’ll help.”

I was trembling, my stomach cramping even harder with need. He held it out for me, but I swatted it out of his hand, making his kit and the white powder drop to the carpet.

“What the fuck, Cyrus!”

“I told you I’m clean now. I don’t want that shit.” Sweat dripped down my temples, my heart beating my chest like a prized boxer did a punching bag.

“Okay. If you don’t want it, you don’t have to have it.” He gave me that smile again that made me feel like spiders were crawling over my skin. “You just wanted me, huh? You missed me and how well I take care of you. You know no one will ever want you like I do. No one will ever understand you the way I do.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, but I didn’t kiss him back. “I flew all the way out here for you. Who else would do that? Who else would love you that much? You owe me something for how good I am to you. For all the things I’ve done for you.” He kissed me again, his hands smooth on my face.

This was wrong. This wasn’t what I’d wanted. “I told you, I just needed a friend.” Why hadn’t I gone to Melody? She’d given me her number, still talked to me every day at Tranquil Brew. She wanted to be my friend. But then, she didn’t really know me.

“You’re not the kinda guy men are just friends with, babe. And I hate to break it to you, but that’s not worth my flight out here.”

Anger reared up inside me, fierce and unexpected. I shoved Eddie away from me. It caught him off guard, and he tumbled off the couch, hitting the back of his head on the coffee table.

“You stupid motherfucker.” His pupils were huge, dilated with a fury I’d never seen in him before. He shoved to his feet, fist flying through the air, connecting with my face. Pain exploded where he’d hit me.

I was still sitting on the couch, my eye already swelling. Eddie stood over me, and I kicked up, connecting with his balls. He cried out and fell to the floor.

“What the fuck, Cyrus. You stupid fucking piece of shit. You’re nothing. Less than nothing.”

“Get out!” My whole body was shaking with rage, with hurt. “Get the fuck out of my apartment!”

When he didn’t move, I stood and began dragging him to the door. Eddie shoved me off him and got to his feet.

“You’ll never be anything without me. No one else will ever want you.” And then he stalked out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

My face was aching, tears streaming down my cheeks. I wanted to climb into bed and never get out. I needed to ice my eye, but instead I crawled to the door and locked it so Eddie couldn’t come back. Then I broke the mirror and the straw, burying them in the trash can. I got my vacuum out to get rid of any remnants of the coke so I wasn’t lying there trying to sniff my carpet.

I fell into bed, even lonelier than I had been before calling Eddie.

CHAPTER TEN

Crow

I could feel the snow in the air even though it hadn’t arrived yet. My freezers were stocked with meat, the cabinets and extra storage packed with dry and canned foods. The three fridges were full as well. I had a generator set up in case I lost power, gas to run it, enough firewood to get me through two winters, and almost everything else I would need for the next few months.

My truck bumped along the road as I headed down for my last trip to town.

The moment I left the gate, a heaviness weighed down on me.

The winter would be good for me, though. I needed the space, needed more time to pass where I didn’t have to see him. Where he didn’t try to talk to me and I didn’t have to fight myself so hard to stay away. No good would come of him trying to get close to me. All it would do was hurt him, and deep down, I knew Cyrus had more pain in his life than most people. Maybe that was why he seemed to be drawn to me, but what he didn’t understand was that I didn’t have anything to give another person. I didn’t even know how to be friends with someone—not anymore, if I ever had to begin with. And if I were honest with myself, I’d admit I didn’t even need to go to town today. I was already overstocked with enough supplies to last a lifetime.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about him, this twitch forming in my chest that felt wrong and uneasy because all my thoughts shouldn’t be possessed by him. Obsessed. Possessed. Both fit, and the more time went by, the more it grew.

I went to the hardware store first, not sure if I was relieved or upset that he wasn’t there.

Trying to shove all thoughts of Cyrus out of my head, I went to the grocery store next. Like always, people looked at me and talked about me as I went up and down the aisles. I hadn’t had any trouble with Billy and the guys lately, probably because they were afraid of getting hurt. Still, every now and again, I would have to deal with them, and next time, I hoped I would be able to control myself. If it hadn’t been for Cyrus, I might not have stopped.

I picked up a few things, but the eyes on me made my skin feel too tight, made me want to lash out at them all, if for nothing more than to give them a reason to look at me the way they did.