Page 10 of The Trolley Kiss

“Husband?” she snorts a laugh. “Who said anything about marriage? Like you said, half my age if you catch my drift.”

I giggle again as I start going through my emails. “You’re too good for him. Even if he was just your boy toy.”

“Oh? Am I sensing some jealousy in that tone?”

“Absolutely not,” I laugh. “Remember? No more men for me. I’m on a ban. A sabbatical if you will. Potentially a permanent sabbatical. That’s yet to be decided.”

Her eyes soften, and she gives me a half smile. She knows a good chunk of what happened with Chris since she’s my work mom and I tell her all of my problems. I know she feels bad for me. I try to give an unaffected smile, but my thoughts always stray back to him. There’s not a single thing I can do that doesn’t remind me of him. Just breathing makes me think of him.

“Well,” she sighs. “If you ever decide you believe in love again, I’ll put in a good word for you.”

I smirk. “I appreciate that, but you’d have to put in a good word forhim. I’m not interested.”

She laughs. “Oh, fine! Maybe he’s not even single. I didn’t see a ring though.”

I barely catch the end of what she says as my mind drifts away again back to Chris being engaged. Back to when I saw the ring onherfinger.

???

5 Months Ago

I restart my phone one more time to make sure there’s nothing wrong with it. Still no messages or calls. I’m starting to panic again.

He’s disappeared before, but never for this long. We usually talk every day. The longest he’s ever ghosted me before would be a few days. I don’t think he was ever actually busy, but I know he shuts down when he’s feeling down.

Two weeks. It’s been two weeks without a single peep from him.

I reread the multiple messages I’ve sent him, trying to figure out if I said something that made him angry or want to pull away. I desperately tried not to double text him, but the ten unanswered messages staring back at me mock me all the same.

I don’t even have his real phone number. We’ve always talked through our texting app. I tried calling on there, but I can’t even leave a voicemail. Not that it would even matter. He’d have to open the app to listen, and he hasn’t even read any of my messages.

I scroll up again to reread his messages to me to make sure I’m not crazy. How could someone say these things and then just ghost me? It doesn’t make sense. He must need some time to himself. It has to be that. He couldn’t just abandon me like this. He couldn’t.

Chris:My love, You’re the only one in the world that gets me.

Chris:I know you won’t believe me, but you saved my life. I wouldn’t be here without you.

Chris:Talking to you is my favorite part of the day.

Chris:Partner, lol I want to be with you forever. You’re all I’ll ever need.

Chris:Fuck baby, you’re the only woman that gets me hard.

I chuck my phone down on my bed at that last one. Was I being dumb the whole time? Was he just using me for sex this whole time? Did I want it to be real so bad that I made it all up? None of this makes sense.

I grab my phone again, wiping away the few stray tears that seem to be ever present this past week. Against my better judgment, I search his brother’s name on Instagram to see if he has an account. Chris always told me he didn’t have any social media, but that doesn’t mean his family doesn’t.

What if something happened to him? There’s nothing wrong with reaching out to his family to find out. If he’s fine, then that’s on him for ghosting me.

I narrow my search to only find local people with the name since a gazillion accounts came up when I searched it. I scroll down through the first couple of people that pop up, and that’s when I see Mike’s account.

I’ve never met Chris’s brother, but I see the family resemblance immediately. I confirm it right away when I scroll down a little ways and see some family photos with Chris in them.

I was hoping to find a recent photo of him to confirm everything is okay, but no such luck. Although, I'm almost grateful there aren't any recent photos because now I can hold out hope that there's a reason for his silence. Maybe he needed more time to himself this time. Maybe everything will turn out okay.

Fifteen minutes later, and I’ve given up holding onto any of my dignity, fully cyber stalking his brother’s page. I click on the most recent photo and start checking the profiles of the people who liked it, hoping to find another family member who maybe tagged him in a photo or something. I make it halfway down the names when a profile photo catches my eye. My whole body collapses back against my headboard like all the life was sucked out of me.

My thumb hovers over the small photo, but I can’t click it yet. It’s like my body is suspended in time. My heart is pounding so hard, and my stomach is in knots. It’s like I’m watching my body from above as I disassociate, trying to protect myself even though I know it’s too late.