Page 57 of The Trolley Kiss
We both tip them back, and luckily I had just a sip of wine left to chase it down with. “Fuck, that’s stronger than I thought it was going to be.”
“Dance with me,” he says. He doesn’t ask.
He extends his hand, and I grab it, blindly letting him lead me wherever he wants to take me. I’d go anywhere with him at this moment. The dancing started only a short time ago, so it’s still mellow, slow dancing music. He pulls me in close, entangling his fingers with mine, and I place my other hand on his shoulder, swaying to the music.
“Why did you get us drunk to come slow dance?” I tease.
He smiles at me before pulling me in closer, moving his mouth near my ear. “Because I want you to be open and honest with me.”
“About what?”
“Anything. Everything. Why you hate weddings.”
I lean my head back to meet his gaze. “I don’t hate weddings.”
“Ahh, no?” he asks with a smile that says he doesn’t believe me.
I shy away again, getting closer to avoid eye contact. “I don’t hate them. I just know it’s all just words. It doesn’t matter what anyone promises you. At the end of the day, they can get up and leave whenever they want. Promises are just words.”
“Right. Because love doesn’t exist?” he asks.
“I believe love exists,” I sigh.
“What?” he half laughs, mocking me for going back on what I said prior.
“I know it exists. I’ve seen it,” I say, looking back at him. My eyes fall to the floor. “It just doesn’t exist for me.”
“Because it can’t or because you won’t let it?”
I stop dancing and look up at him. “Because I don’t have enough strength to ever trust someone to not break me. I wouldn’t survive it. Not again.”
He pulls me back in close, forcing me to sway with him again. “Do you want to talk about him?”
I snort a laugh. “Doyouwant to talk about him?”
His face lights up when he smiles, but he keeps his tone nonchalant. “I wouldn’t mind being able to see a fuller picture. Besides, how many people ever get to see in that crazy mind of yours?”
“First of all,” I laugh. “I resent that statement.”
“Crazy, beautiful mind,” he clarifies.
“Is that right?” I laugh, but he puts me at ease, so I only debate whether or not to spill my guts for a moment. “Our whole relationship was cheesy as fuck.”
“Go on.” He smirks.
I sigh, fully dropping my guard and laying it all out there. “He made me feel like I’ve never felt before. Looking back now, everything he said was so cringe, but it didn’t feel that way when it was happening. The complete opposite. I could finally just be myself. I didn’t have to work so damn hard for his affection. I didn’t have to beat myself up when I made mistakes because Iknewhe was always going to be there. Forever. That’s what he said.”
He meets my eyes for a moment before I look down at our feet. I continue, lowering my voice slightly, feeling embarrassed. “And then there was nothing. There was no one. I was alone.”
I look to the side, feeling ashamed. “He disappeared. I couldn’t get ahold of him for a month until I finally found an Instagram page of one of his brother’s friends that posted a picture of her and Chris with the caption engaged.”
Declan gives me a sympathetic smile. “He’s a dick.”
I give a small laugh. “That’s not the worst part. I basically begged for him back. I couldn’t let go because if I let go, then that meant that none of it was real. If he was really dating this other girl that whole time he was telling me I was his one reason for waking up in the morning, then that means that I’ve never experienced this once in a lifetime great love. That none of it meant anything. That I was still the same nothing I was before.” I drop my eyes to the floor again. “I thought he was going to choose me. I held on for so long because I thought he was going to choose me. And then he didn’t. My self esteem was at an all time low. Every insecurity I had about myself was magnified ten times over. My mind was constantly reeling over what I did wrong. Over why I couldn’t be good enough for him. Over why I ever thought he could have loved me.”
Declan’s hand presses against my back, pulling me in closer and allowing me to feel safe enough to continue.
“I lost myself completely. I gave so much of myself to him that I didn’t have anything left. I hated myself. I could barely look at myself in the mirror.”