Page 39 of The Fixer
“Why wouldn’t I? It’s important to you.”
She takes a deep breath. “You can’t say things like that to me,” she blurts out. “I wish you’d stop.”
I’m a little lost. “Stop what?”
“Pretending I matter.” Her hands clench into fists. “Doing nice things for me, like setting up a sewing room or reaching out to Annalisa. Adding me to your bank account, making me the sole beneficiary in your will, or giving me a credit card without a limit. I have no idea where I stand with you. You do a thousand thoughtful things for me, but when I wait up for you because I’m freaking out and worried, you bite my head off.”
The wind blows her hair in her face, and she violently pulls it back into a ponytail. “You keep telling me we’re not in a real relationship, but you constantly blur the line, and I don’t know what to do anymore.”
She is not wrong to be confused. I am a walking, talking study in contradiction. I’m drawn to Rosa. Even now, I’m struggling to hold back the urge to pull her into my arms. Something has upset her, and I want to make it better. Two nights ago, I had my mouth on her nipples. I want that again and more, and I want it with painful intensity.
And yet I keep holding back, and I keep pullingaway, and the reasons for doing that are becoming increasingly unclear.
Why wouldn’t she be confused? I’m confusing the fuck out of myself.
It’s not about Patrizia anymore. I loved her, and she will always have a place in my heart, but Tomas was right. She wouldn’t want me to mourn her forever. She would want me tolive,not just go through the motions. She would want me to have a life filled with laughter and love.
It’s not her memory that’s holding me back.
It’s fear.
I’m afraid to fall in love again, afraid of how vulnerable it makes me.
“Can’t friends do nice things for each other?”Liar,a voice inside me screams.You want much more than her friendship. You want everything.
“Yes.”
“So, we’re friends, then.”
I wait for her to point out that friends don’t almost fuck each other on a cutting table, but she doesn’t. She’s oddly subdued today, her usual effervescence absent. Maybe it’s because of the mixed signals I’ve been giving her?
But Rosa’s never let me faze her before. She always has a snappy comeback for me. What’s wrongtoday? Is it because she hasn’t heard from Milan? Is it because her parents are in town, and she has to deal with their favoritism up close? Or is it something else entirely?
She regards me for a long time, but her damn sunglasses keep me from seeing her expression. “Okay,” she says. “Friends. And since you’re my friend, I’m going to give you a word of advice: leave now and save yourself from my mother’s cleaning spree.”
“I’ll manage. Besides, Marta has cleaned the apartment from top to bottom.”
“It doesn’t matter,” she predicts. “My mother will still find something to do.”
Despite Rosa’s fears,her mother is pleased with the apartment. “It’s lovely, Leo,” she says after our initial hugs of greeting. “And such a convenient location. It’s so close to work for both Ben and me.”
“I’m glad you like it.”
Her father shakes my hand. “Ander Reinhart,” hesays, looking bemused. “Reinhart Automotive. I still can’t believe they wanted to hire me.”
“Believe it,” Rosa replies. “They’re lucky to have you. Were the movers fine?”
“Of course,” Elaine beams. “They were perfect. When Hugh told us we had to move, I wasn’t sure what we’d do, but everything was so easy.” She pats me on my hand. “All thanks to Leo.”
Rosa’s parents are displaying epic levels of denial about their son’s activities. I glance at Rosa, expecting her to be rolling her eyes at the praise being thrown in my direction, but instead, she looks stressed. “Where is Hugh?”
“Oh, he went out as soon as we got here,” her mother replies with fond exasperation. “You know how he is. He’ll be back in time for dinner; you’ll see him then. You’re staying for dinner, aren’t you?”
“Actually,” I interject, “We just came by to see how you were settling in. But if there’s nothing we can do to help, then we have an appointment with the wedding planner.”
Rosa looks at me in surprise. “We do?”
“Violette had a last-minute availability on her schedule. I told her we’d try to make it if we could.”