Page 74 of Embracing Darkness
“Or Ty,” I correct him.
“Yeah,” he concedes quietly, and his mournful tone hurts more than any words he could say. It makes me feel like he does blame me for Ty’s death despite what he says. If I hadn’t tried to do everything alone, then maybe things would have turned out differently. I swallow hard and fight back the sadness welling up in me.
“Teresa, none of this is easy for me. I care about you.”
He reaches out and touches my cheek tenderly. He takes a step toward me, and now he’s very close. I feel his warmth, and my heart begins to pound. He bends toward me and runs his thumb over my lips, and I close my eyes for a moment.
“I can’t and I won’t ask you to stay away from Noah. But I’m not going to pretend to like it.”
His words snap me back to reality. He’s gazing at me with those wonderful eyes, in which all I can see is pain and disappointment.
“What does this mean for us?” I hear the tremor in my own voice as I fight back tears.
“I don’t know. I just need a little more time.”
He runs his fingertips over my cheek again, as delicate as a breath of air.
Then he drops his hand, and I feel as if my soul is crying out in pain. I don’t want him to leave, but there’s nothing I can do. For now, I have to let him go.
Chapter 35
I scrape the last of the ice cream out of my Ben & Jerry’s tub. Then I sink back onto Kate’s bed and rub my full belly.
“I’m think I’m going to burst,” I groan, looking over at her. The whole bed is covered in gummy bear packets, candy bar wrappers, and chip packets. We’ve actually demolished most of it. Comfort eating! It had to be done.
“Do you still want to watch the movie?” Kate asks, scrolling on her laptop. “The plot summary sounds really interesting.”
I glance at the clock. It’s already one thirty in the morning. I sigh. “I don’t know. I found it hard to focus on the last movie,” I admit.
Kate lies down beside me, props her head on her hands, and gives me a searching look.
“Have you talked to him again?”
I nod. “But it didn’t really help. The Noah thing is still a sticking point.”
I turn onto my back and stare at the ceiling. I picture Ayden’s face and miss him with every fiber of my being.
“I saw him today in the corridor with old man Cunningham’s granddaughter. She was really pretty. I got the impressionthey’ve known each other for ages.”
Kate’s eyes widen. “And you’re afraid something might happen between them?”
I shake my head. “No, it’s not that. Oh, I don’t know. It was just weird seeing him with her. He finally looked happy and relaxed again.” I swallow hard at the thought. “I guess it just hurt to see him opening up more to a stranger than me.” Tears well up in my eyes, and I quickly wipe them away. “I made the right call telling him everything, right?”
“Yes,” says Kate, putting her arm around me. “Even if it doesn’t feel that way at the moment. He’ll come around. You guys have already been through so much, and you’re finally together now. You’ll get through this. You belong together, I’m sure of it.”
I smile sadly and squeeze Kate. “That’s not how it feels right now. It feels more like everything is falling apart.”
She shakes her head. “Ayden’s attached to you, that’s why he didn’t break it off. He cares about you. So he’s trying to come to terms with all of this. Which can’t be easy. I guess he’s never been the kind of guy to let this stuff get to him. He’s probably used to just walking away and finding someone new. But with you it’s different, and he has to find a way to deal with the feelings that he would normally just avoid.”
I raise my eyebrows and stare at Kate in amazement. “You sound like a real psychologist.”
She smiles and shakes her head. “I guess I’m just good at putting myself in other people’s shoes.”
I nod because it’s true. There was that game she used to play as a child, of looking at strangers and imagining what their lives were like. And when you do that, you can’t help but think about what makes people tick.
“What are you going to do about Noah? Will you keep seeing him?”
“I keep asking myself that,” I admit. “On one hand, it’s becomeclear to me ever since Frances showed up how risky that is. Then there was the thing with the school principal when I thought he knew about our friendship. That was really hard; I was so scared. But Noah’s important to me. I don’t want to lose him. But I don’t want to hurt Ayden either. Maybe it’s on me to take that step for his sake. I should probably stop seeing Noah for a while and just hope that Ayden’s opinion of him changes over time.”