Page 71 of The Wallflower

She reaches for me, and I immediately clutch her hand tight in mine. It's cold and dry. "I'm okay, baby. I just got dizzy and passed out. It's a side effect of some of the medications. Low heart rate. You know the drill."

I try to give her a smile, but I know it's more of a grimace. She pretends anyway and give me a brittle smile.

There's a drumbeat in my head, chanting I can't lose her over and over, and it's all I'm thinking about now. "When are they going to let you out of here?"

“I’m not sure?—”

Someone knocks on the door, cutting her off, and our attention is directed to them as a doctor walks in. "Hello! I'm sorry to see you again under these circumstances.”

“Do you know when she’ll be released?” I ask the doctor since my mother said she didn’t know anyway.

“I'm afraid we don’t know yet.”

I try to rein in my panic. "What does that mean?"

He smiles back and forth between us. "Your mother and I have already spoken, but I'm afraid things have progressed more quickly than we anticipated. She's going to need extensive care, and then I think we should talk about hospice options so her last days are as pain-free as possible."

Hospice? Last days?This doctor is talking gibberish. My mother is sick, yes, but there is still hope.

"No!" The word shoots out of my mouth, making both my mother and the doctor flinch.

"Baby." My mother tries to console me, but I squeeze her hand tightly in response.

"There has to be something more we can do. We haven't even started the experimental treatments you were telling me about. There are still things we can do."

They both start speaking at the same time.

"I'm tir?—”

"Your mother doesn't?—”

I cut them both off and gently release my mother’s hand, placing it on the bed. Then I face the doctor. "Can we speak in private for a moment, please?"

Dr. Mitch cuts a look at my mom, who nods, and I head into the hallway behind him. The scent of disinfectant and rubber makes me want to throw up because I always associated that scent with my mom being in the hospital. Ihateit. Wrapping my arms around myself, I look up at the doctor. "If this is about money, I can get whatever we need to proceed, I promise, evenif I have to quit school and get a job. I will do what needs to be done. Please don’t deny her services just because we don’t have insurance."

The doctor's eyes soften, and he leans closer. "This has nothing to do with the money. We have benefactors here at the hospital who can help. I think it’s time to consider your options. Your mother is tired. She doesn’t want to spend the rest of her final days fighting an inevitable battle. You need to understand that, even if it’s not your wishes, it’s your mother’s.”

I snap. "No. I don't care what she wants. Once it's over, she'll be alive and grateful that I stepped in and convinced her to do this."

He shakes his head at me. "I know this is hard, Maybel, but I do have to consider what your mother wants."

I suck a ragged breath into my lungs, but it doesn’t even feel like I’m breathing. "I'll talk to her again. I'll convince her."

“You can try your best, but please remember your mother’s wishes are important as well.” I nod and blink back the tears forming in my eyes. I will not break down here. Not in front of him or my mother.

We walk back into the room, and I take my mother's hand again. "Mom, will you try this drug, this experiment, for me? What do we have to lose if you're..." I almost choke on the words. "Dying...anyway."

I need her to see how much losing her is hurting me. I’m not ready. I can’t face this.

"Baby, we can't. We don't have the money for it, and I'm not letting you quit school for me."

"If I got the money without quitting school, then would you agree?"

She snorts, her eyes going hazy as the pump beside the bed administers another dose of medication into her IV. "You're not going to become a stripper, are you?"

I laugh. "Yeah, because everyone wants to see my pasty white body on display. I doubt there is a big demand for book nerd strippers out there.” I shake my head. “No, of course I won't become a stripper."

Dr. Mitch steps up to the bed, staring at my mother. "Does this mean you want to proceed?"