Page 101 of The Fool
“And I will always love you, Beatrice, one-day-to-be, Carter.”
Chapter 34
Bea
It takes me a while to have the courage to acknowledge the fact that we’ve arrived. I’ve been putting this off for nearly ten years, but I can no longer do that. I can’t pretend it never happened. Emma and Dean have separated, Mom and Dad are frantic with worry over their family, and Ben has lost his long-term girlfriend. He might try to ease my guilt by saying I kept them together for longer if anything, but I can no longer ignore a past that has affected each of our lives. Our family is at the point of being broken beyond repair. This meeting will either set us on the road to fixing things, or it might destroy us completely.
“Bea,” Nate eventually says, placing his hand over my knee, “you sure you’re up to this?”
“No,” I reply bluntly, “but I need to do it anyway.”
“I will not leave your side and if I think we need to have a break, I’ll tell everyone, including you,” he says with a telling look. I guess he’s learning just how stubborn I can be.
“Ok,” I reply before taking a deep inhale. “Listen, I need to grab something from my old room; you think you could get them all to sit down together?”
“Sure,” he says with a reassuring smile that has me wanting to say yes to marriage, even though I have promised myself that we’ll get this over and done with before I seriously consider his proposal. That and I’ve told him he needs to survive living with me for at least three months before I say yes.
“Ok,” I tell him with a sigh, knowing I can’t put this off any longer. “Let’s get this over with.”
Nate grips hold of my hand the whole time it takes to walk up my old home’s garden path, still with the chipped paving slab that always catches my attention. Last time, the sight of it had brought me comfort, a momentary pause to put off seeing Dean playing house with my sister. Now, it only makes me feel anxious over how my family is going to react to hearing the truth of everything that happened all those years ago. Nate seems to sense my trepidation and delivers a quick kiss to the top of my head, after which he whispers, “You’ve got this”.
For the first time in nearly a decade, I use my key and walk inside, not because it feels like home, but because I want to walk in on my own terms. Almost as soon as Nate closes the door behind him, Ben walks through the living room with a solemn expression. I nod in greeting before turning to Nate, silently asking him to give me the time I had asked for only moments ago.
“Do what you need to,” he says after kissing my temple, “everyone else can wait.”
“It won’t take me long,” I tell him truthfully, then turn to head up to my room.
As always, I pause at the door, bracing myself to see what I always see when I walk inside of my old room. Dean’s muscular back moving back and forth as he braces himself over my little sister. The positive pregnancy test hidden behind a photo frame on my dressing table. The computer that held such terrible secrets, I couldn’t resist looking, even if what it said pushed me further and further inside of myself.
“That’s it, baby, feel me inside of you, feel all of me…”
“I love you, Dean, I’ve always loved you, but Bea –"
“Is not half as good as you, Em, not half as beautiful, not half as sexy…”
As I flinch over the image of them, I make my way over to the bottom drawer of my old desk. My computer still sits on top, looking practically antique, who knows if it even works anymore. I doubt my parents have ever tried to switch it on since I left. No matter, I was so obsessed with torturing myself after what happened, I had printed it all off and kept it in a file. A little bedtime reading to remind me of how much I was hated, how little I meant to everyone other than Ben and my mom and dad.
After one last look around the room that was my own prison once upon a time, a torture chamber, I make my way down to the living room where everyone is waiting for me. There’s no talk, no laughter, nothing that reminds me of the happy childhood that I once had. After I give them this, tell all to those who I care about the most, I hope to remember that childhood once more.
“Bea, honey, it’s so good to see you walking around again,” Mom smiles at me, even though she’s anxious, I can tell. She moves to stand, but I put my hand up to stop her. I need this to be done; I can’t drag it out a moment longer.
“Bea?” Dad questions me with a frown across his exhausted face.
“This is going to happen once, now, then I never want to speak about it again,” I explain, trying to sound authoritative, even though I’m just as scared as they are. “I thought I could hide it forever, take it all to my grave, apart from Ben and Nate. And it’s not because I don’t trust you, or don’t love you, it’s because I didn’t want to see the hurt that I can already see on your faces. I wanted to forget it all, move on, and reinvent myself. But after nearly a decade of holding everything in, I’ve finally realized that it’s a part of me. It helped shape the person I am today.”
“Bea, I wish –" Mom tries to cut in, but I stop her once more.
“If I’m going to live through it all again, to admit to things I really wish I didn’t have to, as well as make all of you feel uncomfortable, you need to let me just get it out, Mom.”
“Ok,” she mouths, pretending to lock her lips shut, to which I try to smile in thanks.
“This is how it started,” I finally admit, even to Nate and Ben, who have never seen the extent of what was being said about me. Emma saw some of it, but the worst of what was said was through private messaging or chatrooms that someone had added me to. I hand out sheets of paper with reams of insults, threats, and vile lies about me. I say nothing, just let them read, take it all in, just like I had to once upon a time.
For a while, I sit on the edge of my seat, with my eyes remaining shut, even when I hear my mother beginning to cry, my father muttering curses under his breath, and Nate clutching hold of my hand in support.
“I had no idea it was this bad, Bea,” Emma whimpers.
“Me neither,” Ben mutters angrily.