Page 54 of The Fool
“When she answered, she didn’t sound like herself, she sounded like a ghost of her,” he says, looking down at his hands with emotion swimming in his eyes. “I knew almost straight away I was losing her, but I thought she’d been in an accident, I didn’t think for one moment that she’d tried to take her own life. I didn’t even know anything was wrong, and for that, I will never forgive myself.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Ben,” I tell him with tears in my eyes.
“It’s amazing how much people can hide, even from the ones closest to them,” Sonia says, trying to reassure him. “What happened when you got to her motel room?”
“It was a…blur. A nightmarish blur of flashing blue lights, paramedics, motel staff, and nosey onlookers, but the thing I will never forget is the smell – puke, alcohol, and the onset of death. When I finally saw her, I thought she had already gone, that I was too late. But then they made her sick, turned her on her side, and she gasped and coughed. I have never been so thankful to see my baby sister throwing her guts up.
“Bea, Bea, what the hell have you done to yourself, baby?”
“I just wanted it to stop, Ben!”
“I followed behind the ambulance on my bike and just prayed you’d still be alive when I got to the hospital. They put me in the room next door and told me to prepare myself, that they weren’t sure if they could save you. You took pills over a long time period so there was only so much they could make you throw up. Bea, your heart monitor flat-lined three times.”
I watch the pain in his face bring him to tears, right alongside my own. In fact, I crawl out of my chair and onto the floor where I grab hold of his hands and rest my head on top of his lap, all the while I whisper my apologies over and over again.
“Please don’t say you’re sorry, Bea, I would do it all over again to save you, I love you.”
“I love you too,” I murmur as he wraps his arms around me.
“I should have seen it sooner; I should have protected you. Bea, I would rip the world apart for you,” he whimpers. “I will never let you down again.”
“Do you see, Bea? Do you see now that you leaving the world would not only destroy you but also those who truly love you? Your death is not the answer.”
“Promise me you’ll never do anything like that again, Bea, that you will always talk to me if you are hurting or thinking of doing something stupid. I beg you, please!”
“I promise, Ben,” I whisper, still cocooned inside of his arms.
“Remember this moment, Bea, when all the bad thoughts come swimming inside, remember this.”
Chapter 18
Bea
“What did you do, Ben?” I stand angrily in front of him as he walks through the door and chucks his gloves and jacket on the side table.
“I told him what needed to be said,” he says arrogantly. “What should have been said months ago!”
“Did you hurt each other?” I ask, feeling concerned, even though Nathaniel had reduced me to tears yet again. Even though he managed to make me feel like I did all those years ago.
“I may have winded him a little,” he replies with a smirk. “Got to give him that at least, he didn’t fight me on it.”
As I run my hands through my hair, I feel like every breath leaves my body. I’ve worked hard over the years to keep it all inside, to not let anyone know my shameful secrets. I especially didn’t want the brother of that guy’s wife to find out what happened. Though, perhaps this is my penance; perhaps what I’ve already been through isn’t enough after what I did to Helena, Ben, or…whoever was growing inside of me at the time.
“How did you feel when they told you the baby was gone, Beatrice?”
“Numb…I felt numb.”
“And now?”
“I don’t know; I have no idea how to feel. Perhaps he or she is better off without me. After all, that’s what they said - who would want me as their mother?”
“How much did you tell him, Ben?” I ask with a tremble in my voice. “Does he know about that night? Does he know about the baby?” I place my hands on my stomach, to where he or she once clung onto me, their lifeline until I took a bottle of Vodka and countless painkillers. I didn’t think about them at the time; I only thought of myself.
“No, Bea, I would never tell anyone about your baby,” he says softly, clutching hold of my shoulders to try and ground me. “Beatrice, please don’t worry about it,” he whispers with concern in his big brown eyes. “I told him to accept your resignation with full pay and to make sure he gave you a glowing reference.”
“Ben, you shouldn’t have done that,” I whimper, shaking my head over everything. One fortnight changed my life forever; Ben is never going to trust me. I’ve been keeping us in limbo, stopping us both from moving forward. “I never meant for you to hear what happened today, I just needed a ride. It’s the only reason I called Leah –"
“It’s done Bea, end of!” he snaps, releasing my shoulders and stomping off into the kitchen. “Leah is not your brother, I am. You should be coming to me anyway.”