Page 62 of The Fool
My hands turn clammy, and rather pathetically, I quickly realize that it’s excitement I’m feeling. Though I know I shouldn’t, I desperately want to let him in, even if it’s just to see if he is sincerely sorry about what happened.
Depends. Are you going to tell me off for anything?
I jump when he messages back virtually straight away.
Let me up and you’ll find out. Xxx
I know it’s stupid of me to let him in, but for my own sanity, I have to.
Why don’t you buzz, and you’ll find out.
Ben would be raging if he knew, but this is my life and I need to make my own decisions and my own mistakes. Besides, what happened back then made me stronger in some ways. I know I’m not alone and I’m certainly not the teenage girl I once was. At least, I hope I’m not.
It’s not long before he’s knocking on the door, prompting me to pause for a moment just to ease my anxiety through a few learned breathing exercises. With my eyes closed, I open up the door, wearing my checked PJs, my comfy bed socks, and with my hair pulled into a messy bun.
“Bea,” he says in a low, husky voice. My eyes burst open to see him standing at least a head above me, wearing a pair of dark denim, designer jeans, and a fitted white V-neck. As I begin cursing myself for not changing, he looks me up and down, and grins, just like he did in Helena’s kitchen, when we were moments away from giving into one another.
“Come in,” I eventually say, pulling the door open to let him through. “Would you like a drink?”
“Sure,” he answers before taking a seat on the living room couch. “Whatever you’re having is fine by me.” He looks around the room, taking in the sight of all the bunches of flowers he’s had delivered here. “You have quite the florist going on in here.”
“Yeah, funny that.” I smile while glancing around at all the pinks, whites, and reds. “Some weirdo keeps sending me flowers. I’ve tried to ignore him, but they just keep on coming.”
“He sounds like a real idiot,” he says with a sigh, “you can do better.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I play along, “if he took his head out of his ass and actually took the time to really get to know me, he might be worth pursuing.”
He laughs softly as I hand him a lemonade and sit down on the other end of the couch. We both sip our drinks silently and awkwardly, and I suddenly have no idea what to say. He begins rubbing his hand behind his neck, his tell-tale nervous tick. Being that I don’t want to make it so easy this time round, I decide to not help him out with it. Instead, I keep sipping and remain utterly silent.
“Bea,” he finally utters, “I fucked up again, I know that. I wasn’t really angry with you. I was just angry with the whole situation, but you were there, and so I behaved irrationally. I am beyond sorry.”
I smile tightly in his direction, then sip my drink again, to which he smiles, still waiting for me to answer. In my own good time, I finish the drink, then put the empty glass gently on the table.
“I don’t know whether to forgive you or not, Nathaniel,” I reply with honesty, “you make me feel bad about myself time and time again. Why do you do that?”
“I don’t know,” he says with a sigh and a shrug, “maybe because I’ve only felt this way about a girl with you. And Lily, I guess. But Lily was all wrong for me; I was dating her best friend and she was against relationships. She needed a friend; she needed Callie. I wasn’t about to screw that up for her, and I wasn’t convinced I’d be a better boyfriend than I could be a friend to her. And, as you’ve seen, she belongs with Cam. They’re sickeningly great together. As soon as I saw them getting close, I was happy with the way things had gone. You could say I felt safe in the knowledge that she was no longer an option I could pursue. I could remain single and save anyone the trouble of being with party boy Nathaniel. But then you came along and screwed that plan up for me.”
“Gee, sorry,” I reply sarcastically, but before he begins to argue, I cut in. “Nathaniel, as much as I’m flattered by your ‘falling for me’, I can’t say I’m convinced. You don’t even know me properly, do you. You think I’m a mousey little employee who accepts your shit without argument. That’s not the real me, Nathaniel. At least, that’s not who I want to be.”
“Well, then, let me spend time with you,” he suggests with a shrug and hope in his eyes. “Then we can see what we really feel for one another; is there more here than just attraction?”
I look at his sincere expression and silently battle in my head over what to do for the best, for both of us. During which, a rather juvenile idea springs to mind, prompting me to grin mischievously in his direction.
“Lily once told me about how you and Callie got her locked in a room with Cameron. It was a game of ‘Truth or Dare’, was it not?” Before he can answer, I get up to go and grab a bottle of Jack Daniels from my cupboard. With some shot glasses in hand, I bring everything to where we’re sitting. He has a devilish smirk on his face while I open the bottle of whiskey, which actually belongs to Ben, but he owes me after drinking all of Finn’s wine. “What better way to get to know someone?”
“Ok, but truth and honesty, right?” he asks, sitting up straight and grabbing the shot glasses to hold them for me as I pour. I nod in agreement and fill them up.
“So, Nathaniel, truth or dare?”
“In the interests of getting to know one another, truth.”
“How old were you when you lost your virginity?” I ask casually.
“Wow, really getting straight in there, aren’t you?” he laughs but I merely nod with a genuinely curious expression. “Ok, I was seventeen, it was with my best friend’s sister, at a party. Totally pre-planned; she wanted to lose it as much as I did. Both of us drank too much to ease away the nerves and it was totally crap sex. I lasted about two minutes and I think I’m being generous. My best friend found out and gave me a black eye, but then we were fine. I was his best man last year.”
“Oh, my God,” I laugh, “and the girl?”
“She was dating one of the footballers by the following week,” he says with his trademark, cheeky-boy smirk. “She’s now divorced with one kid. Offered me a replay at said wedding, which I kind of took her up on. Does that make me wicked?”