Page 77 of The Fool
He pumps me slowly while we kiss at a pace that is in no hurry for this to end any time soon. As I get used to the stretch, I thrust my hips up against him, wanting nothing more than for him to be inside of me properly; to wipe away all the other shitty experiences I’ve had.
Nate eventually pulls out and begins to rub the head of his erection through my soaking lips below. He lingers at my entrance for a moment, all the while he bites and sucks at my nipples through the lace of my bra.
“Are you ready for me, Bea?”
“More than ready,” I tell him, and with one gentle thrust he moves inside of me, but I know he’s not all the way in. It stings but I’m ok, still ready for this, so I place a soft kiss on his cheek for reassurance. With a deep groan, he moves all the way inside, then rests to kiss me, to hold me, to make sure he’s not breaking me.
“You’re not hurting me, Nate,” I whisper, “fuck me like you want to.”
Nate takes me slow at first, and I feel good, if not a little frustrated. But when I wrap my legs around him, he seems to lose his reluctance to take me like I need him to. His thrusts become deeper, and wilder, and I release a moan of pleasure, one I’ve never felt before.
“Yes…” I pant, “deeper, I want you deeper…”
He curses several times, then leans back to lift one of my legs over his shoulders. It makes me feel so full, so connected to him, that within two or three hard thrusts, I come undone, all while gasping against my arm. My walls clench tightly around his hard muscle, acting as a catalyst for his own climax, which he releases loudly and without apology. When I am finally able to breathe properly again, I notice a heat all over my stomach, so I look up to see that he released all over me.
“Sorry,” he says with a sheepish smile. I’m gifted with a small towel before he jumps back into bed and cradles me inside his arms. “Last minute decision. Do you realize we didn’t use anything? I’ve never been that fucking stupid before. I swear I’m clean, Bea, so please don’t worry about that. I told you that you make me crazy. It’s like I forget my brain around you.”
“Me too,” I whisper, grinning stupidly while cupping his face in my hand. “You don’t need to worry about pregnancy either,” I reassure him, “I’ve been on the pill for years.”
“Really?” He frowns. “You’ve been celibate for years, haven’t you? Are you crazy on your period or something?”
“Geez, Nate!” I laugh while slapping his bicep.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry” he says and begins kissing me again. “That was…awesome, no other word for it. But, hey, don’t get comfortable because I want to fuck you at least three more times.”
“Ok, dude,” I tease, “and no, I’m not a crazy bitch around my period, so don’t panic.”
“You know you’re mine now, right?” he says, looking strangely serious after our playing. “I’m not fucking this up again; you’re all I want.”
His words make me feel warm, happy, and so much more than I ever felt with Dean. But then I remember what came with Dean, what I haven’t yet shared with Nate - my pain, my shame, my guilt. It is with these heavy thoughts that the realization of what I must tell him hits me. I have no idea what he will think of me afterward, or if he’ll lose his shit with me as he did after finding out about Evan. However, I said I wanted to trust him, and so I must give him the opportunity to earn that trust. Besides, this truth is part of me, and always will be.
I haven’t said anything for a while, and I know he’s waiting, especially after what he just said. Taking a few moments to psyche myself up, I begin circling around a small freckle on his arm, feeling slightly nauseated over what I’m about to admit to him. But it’s me, warts and all, and I need him to still want me despite it.
“What’s up, Summers?” he whispers.
“Nate, I’ve not told you all of my sad little tale,” I say so quietly, I can’t be sure he actually heard me. However, the frown on his face tells me that he did, so I swallow back my fear and move up to look him in the eye.
“I’m on the pill because when I was with Dean, I fell pregnant.” His eyes instantly open up wide with shock, prompting mine to shut so I can hide from them. “We always used protection, but I guess the condom failed. I tried to hide from the fact that my period was late, putting it down to the stress of being bullied day in, and day out, while also trying to hide it from my mom. But when I could no longer sleep through worrying about it, I took a test…three tests. I was too scared to tell Dean, I knew he would be mad, so I hid them away in my room. Another week passed by before I decided I’d have to say something, but before I could tell him, I found him with Emma, so I never did. Shortly after I overdosed, I miscarried.”
The emotion hits me tenfold, and I can’t help but release a few tears that seem to come out of nowhere. It’s the first time I’ve admitted to what happened since I had therapy with Sonia. I’ve thought about it plenty, but I’ve avoided saying it out loud for all this time, and now I’m doing so in front of the one man who has made me feel like I needed to.
“I-I killed my baby, Nate.”
Chapter 25
Bea
For a moment or two, Nate says nothing, just sits there looking stunned. The longer he remains silent, the more I psyche myself up for the outburst, the anger, the disgust, and the judgment that I’ve already given to myself a thousand times over the years.
“I’m not proud of myself and I’m not looking for sympathy, because it’s my fault I lost it, but it’s something someone needs to know if they want to be with me. I -”
“Bea, I’m so sorry you went through that,” he whispers before pulling me straight into his arms and swallowing hard. “Thank you for telling me, Bea, that took a lot of guts. For the record, I don’t think it’s your fault. I have no qualifications to change your opinion, nor am I arrogant enough to try, but I do know that whatever you did that night was not in your control, Bea.”
“But –"
“No buts, baby, you are beautiful and brave, and I have fallen for you…hard.”
“God, Nate,” I whimper, “I didn’t want to like you this much, but you’ve made me, you jerk.”