Page 26 of Heir to Desire

“Nobody understands my loss.”

Damien wiped the tear off of my eye, then put that finger in his mouth and swallowed it like water. He did not interrupt me.

“Consciously or not, I decided I would never allow myself to feel loss like that again—not if I could help it. I know Grandpa will go one day, and that will hurt me terribly. But I guess…I’ve known that if I never grew attached to anyone else, I would never have to suffer through the ache of then detaching. And so no—I’ve never had a boyfriend. I haven’t so much as had a best friend since I was a little kid. It’s just me and Grandpa—and soon, only me.”

“I know this is very new to both of us, but maybe it will be you and me, in the end, Nikolai. We could at least give it a shot.”

I smiled at him. I couldn’t deny my attraction to the fantasy, and my increasing belief that said fantasy could actually be a reality.

“I know that loss can be painful and sad, but so is a life without love. What’s that they say? ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.’”

“It goes against my nature,” I told him, seeking some truth within myself, “but I do feel like we could try. I do feel sort of…at home with you.”

“Plus, let’s face it—you’re already attached anyway. You’re practically in love with me,” Damien joked, beginning to tickle me with his fingers in my armpits, “I can see it in your eyes!”

“Stop that!” I begged, trying to contain my voice. I was devilishly ticklish. It absolutely made me lose control. Thankfully he stopped, but at that point we were close and he was holding me like a big spoon. “Damien, will you sleep here with me tonight?” I asked.

“What do you think I’m planning on doing?” he asked. I turned off the light. Outside, I could hear the wind blowing and saw some snow falling.

“Damien, when will I be ready to deal with Vladimir?” I asked.

“Very soon, I promise,” he replied. He kissed the back of my neck. “But for now, sweet dreams, Nikolai.”

That night Damien held onto me without missing a beat. Even when I woke, his big muscular arms were still wrapped tightly around me. The musky smell of his body was enveloping me and I thought to myself—

I want to wake up like this every day for the rest of my life.

Chapter 16

Damien

When I woke up with Nikolai in my arms, my mind was still filled with sleep’s fog. But I had one thought ringing clear through the mist:

I want to wake up like this every day for the rest of my life.

What I had told him was true—when I was younger, I dreamt of mornings like this. I dreamt of boyfriends and being in love and sharing everything. I dreamt of not having to hide in the woods with whatever “faggy” interests I had. Hell, maybe someone would even share those interests with me.

I counted the freckles on the back of his neck—one, two, three, four, five, six, and seven—almost in the shape of the Little Dipper. His back expanded and contrasted with each breath, his smooth, peach-colored skin so innocent and pure in the blueish morning light. I couldn’t resist scratching the back of his scalp softly with my fingers, twirling his blond locks around, feeling the soothing warmth that emanated from the back of his little head.

I knew what I was doing and feeling was insane.

I guess that’s part of why it felt so good.

But I couldn’t let myself totally lose focus here. If I was falling in love with Nikolai—well, indeed Iwas—that was just all the more reason to protect him.

I hated that Nikolai had to kill Vladimir. I hated it because, firstly, I didn’t want him to have to deal with any of that at all. Not that mafia part—that was his birthright, his mandate, and also what brought him back to me after all these years. But the fact that someone was out there, planning to kill him, likely doing all he could to make sure Nikolai’s time on this planet comes to an end…that destroyed me. That hurt me long before I even fell for Nikolai.

But now, Nikolai was no longer a stranger. If Vladimir were to touch a single blond hair on the boy’s head, it would beextremelypersonal. Nikolai was the first boy I’d ever really been with—the first one who wasn’t a sex worker, not that I have a problem with sex workers but they were only interested in getting paid by me.

Beyond that, I hated that Nikolai and I couldn’t just spend our days here at the manor enjoying one another and getting to know each other better. We hadn’t really discussed the exact plan of action, but the idea was for Nikolai to spend this time training in order to hopefully duel and kill Vladimir in a way that would legitimize him to Vladimir’s followers, my parents included. And who knows—maybe after all of that unpleasantness, Nikolai would want to wipe his hands clean of this life and go to college to study politics.

But I knew that he felt something for me. I don’t think he’d be able to wipe his hands clean of me, either. If I understood anything from what he told me the night prior, it was that he was afraid of abandonment, not being the abandoner.

But what if killing a man changed Nikolai?

What if it fucked him up?

Sure, this was a matter of “kill or be killed,” but firing a gun at someone and ending their life changes a man. I would know—I’ve had to do it myself back in my early days, always for protection. But that’s a story for another time.