Page 75 of Fighting Fate
“Like you promised you wouldn’t hurt me. Same way you swore you’d protect me from everything and anyone that ever tried to do so…right?”
“I love you, Willow.” The words are a whisper that lingers between us as tears form in her eyes, and my ribs squeeze unbearably tight around my heart. Her hand falls from my chest, followed by the photos of our unborn child. All I can do is grasp her hips firmly so she can’t get away from me.
“Maybe you do, but it’s too little and too late, and besides, it doesn’t change how you feel about the pregnancy. It doesn’t change any of this because in just over five months, I’m going to have this baby, and the thing is, I’m never going to allow him to feel unwanted or…or unloved because I love him more than I thought it was possible to love anyone, and I want him.”
“You keep saying him…” I rasp, glancing down at her belly as I stroke my thumbs up and down the slightest curve.
How could I not have noticed it before?Willow’s so slender. Her stomach was flat, and even her breasts look slightly fuller than usual.
“It’s…I don’t know,” she breathes with her hands hovering over mine. I can sense she wants to touch me as badly as I’ve wanted to all this time. From the way her breaths tremble with every stroke of my thumbs to the way that she finally rests her hands on the curve of her thighs and squeezes. “It’s silly, really, but I have this feeling. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, and it was a slip of the tongue.”
“Like when you said you loved me.” Wide eyes flash to mine in an instant, holding my stare until my heart is beating so damn hard that I feel it in my throat. “Do you? Do you love me too?”
The silence that follows my question is agonising. I can’t breathe through it. I can’t think past the echo of her words earlier—I still loved you.
Dragging in a deep breath, Willow levels me with her sad eyes. My entire existence hangs in the balance of her ragged breaths and unspoken words as she grasps my wrists and forces herself out of my hold. Every small step she takes backwards, away from me, is like a sledgehammer to the heart.
“It’s irrelevant now,” she says.
Before I can say anything, she walks towards the kitchen, leaving me in the quiet aftermath of her remark. It takes me a moment too long to wade through it. To focus on what she didn’t say rather than what she did.
Willow loves me. I know it. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. And while I know she’s trying to protect herself, I’m not going to walk away again, and I sure as fuck won’t let her walk away from us either. There’s too much at stake and too much to lose.
“I want you both,” I state clearly as I pause in the kitchen doorway. “You and the baby.”
Willow freezes while she’s washing the grapes in her hands. There’s a whole, long second where the rush of the water fills the air. The sun is beaming through the window behind her, and I’m so fucking tired of being without her. Every fibre of my being is exhausted by missing her. And I don’t want this to be the rest of my life. I want to feel the warmth of the sun shining around her. More than that, I need the light she’s brought into my life.
All these years, I’ve worked my ass off and fought my way to the top, trying to find some peace with what happened to my dad. I thought I was looking for peace until I found her. She’s the missing piece of my soul that I was searching for.
The irony is that Willow is the biggest risk I’ve taken. She and this kid that is the best part of her and the best part of me combined into one person we made together.
One beautiful tiny human being with long legs and the littlest hands I’ve ever seen. And I hope he has her eyes because they’ve made my world a better place every time I’ve got lost in them. I know I’m fucked because there’s no way he’s going to be easy and docile. I can already imagine the little hurricane turning our lives and everything in them upside down, but still…
“I want you both, Willow.”
Her eyes drop back to her task before she tells me, “Saying that isn’t going to change anything between us. So you don’t have to waste your breath or tell me more things you don’t mean.”
“I mean it, in spite of everything I said and worse, what I didn’t say. I can’t change that…I can’t go back in time and take it back, sweetheart. I wish I could, but…”
Turning the water off, Willow glances up at me. There’s a flash of pain that draws all the light from her eyes, souring her stunning face. It tugs me to her until I’m beside her, watching and waiting for her to really look at me. My whole life is in her hands in this one moment, and I’m terrified the damage I’ve done is too much.
“But what if I’d followed through, Rory? What if I had taken care of…of…”
“You didn’t, and it makes you the better person.” My hand finds hers on the counter. When our fingertips touch, it takes everything in me not to cover her hand with mine. I inch a tad closer as she spins to face me completely, her head tilting back so that our gazes touch too. “It makes you the best person. It—” I pause because the adequate words cease to exist.
The thought of any other outcome makes me sick. It makes me so fucking angry at myself for being so damn lost in my head that I failed to see the bigger picture. I was so fucking lost in the past that I couldn’t see the future.
“I’m sorry, Lo.” I stroke my hand over hers, allowing it to settle as I try to convey the depth of my words because it’s all I can say. “Even if I said it a hundred times, I couldn’t mean it more than I do now. I’m so sorry. I fucked up, and the only way I can make up for it is if you let me. Please let me because I need to be a part of your lives.”
It’s a hot second. I’m sweating in places I didn’t know I could sweat from. My heart is pounding so damn fast that my head is swimming with the loud drum of my pulse.
“Fine.” She lets out a quick breath, tugging her hand away from mine with a backward step. “If you want to be a part of your child’s life, I’m not going to stop you. I’m not that person. Despite everything, I’ve seen enough of you to know that you’ll be a wonderful dad.”
When I inch closer, she pulls back so fast that I stop in my tracks. “What’s wrong?”
“That’s all I can give you, Rory. I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering if every time you look at me, you regret your choice.” She’s trembling as she sits up on the kitchen counter and picks at the grapes.
“I could never regret you.” The notion of it is as ridiculous as it sounds. And although I want to give her the space she’s after, I can’t stand back and allow her to believe that it would ever be possible.