Page 50 of The Quit List
I’ve always been the responsible one. Never done anything unpredictable. Nothing surprising. I’ve never really let myself consider what I want, what I might desire for myself. I’ve always simply gone along with the next logical step, with everyone’s expectations of me—and my expectations for myself. Always deferred to what seemed to be right, instead of what felt right.
And seeing Sabrina’s face earlier, how shocked she was that I was doing something she didn’t expect…
For that brief moment in time, I wanted it to be true. I wanted to be that girl who lived her life big and wild and would take off on a whim on multi-day excursions to the middle of nowhere.
It lit a fire in me. A fire that’s still burning beneath the surface, like embers waiting for the right gust of wind.
I set my jaw. Turn back to Jax and look him dead in the eye.
“I… I want sparks. Fireworks. Adventures.” I swallow. “Romance that makes me feel like I’m on a rollercoaster, but with someone safe next to me, holding my hand.” I say this all in a burst, then press my lips together, surprised by my own admission.
Jax smiles, like I somehow gave him the right answer. And I realize it really is the right answer for me. That is what I want.
“That’s it, Hol. You need to find someone to complement you, not complete you. You’re already a whole person all on your own, but to find your equal partner, you first need to pursue who you are and what you want in life. Find what brings you joy and makes you happy, and then find a person to share all that with you and even add to it.” I grin. “And in the process, you’ll be checking off all the items on your Quit List.”
I nod slowly. It’s not like I’ve never heard this before—I’ve watched many a romcom, read many a romance novel with a similar concept about loving and knowing yourself first. But having Jax say this to me so point blank… well, it is a new perspective. I feel it so strongly, feel so inspired in this moment. And I don’t want to lose it.
So, before I can think about it, I say the one thing that I know, in my gut, feels right.
“I need to go on that backpacking trip with you.”
The words hang between us and Jax looks surprised. I, myself, can hardly believe it. But it’s true.
I need to do this.
Because the flutters in my stomach right now were activated by Jax’s earlier mention of a multi-day backpacking trip—flutters that are way stronger than any I’ve had with my dates thus far. And, as much as I want to find a partner, the idea of getting lost in an adventure in the process is so unexpectedly appealing.
And maybe it really is time that I start chasing—start identifying—the things I want… in more areas than just dating, like Jax said.
I want to do this. A wilderness hiking adventure sounds… fun. Exciting. Exactly what I need, but have no idea how to do it myself.
But Jax knows.
And Jax is already doing a multi-day hike this spring and apparently he has yet to find someone to go with him.
Biting my lip, I try to find a downside to seizing the day with this idea. Come up short.
“You want to come on the backpacking trip in the Appalachians,” Jax finally says.
“I do.”
His jaw is working as he thinks it through. “It’s not going to be for the faint of heart.”
“I know.” For some reason, his hesitation is only adding fuel to my fire versus burning it out. Until I consider something and falter a little, my smile slipping off my face. “You don’t think I can do it?”
“Of course you can,” he responds immediately with a firm nod of his head. “It’s not that at all. I’m just…”
He trails off, seemingly still lost in thought.
I paste my smile back on. “Look, we’re friends now, right?”
“Right?”
“And friends help each other out.”
“They do.” Jax narrows his eyes, looking at me like he’s trying to read a book in Mandarin.
“You said you’d be hiking a route out in the Appa—whatever they’re called—with someone who isn’t me. But what if it is me?”