Page 46 of Passing Notes
She held up a hand and covered my mouth with a fingertip. “Like I said, this is too hard. Listen, I recently got dumped by a man who jerked me around before deciding he would rather spend his foreseeable future on an oil rig in the middle of the damn ocean surrounded by a bunch of sweaty men rather than stay in Green Valley with me. I’m through with dating, through with men. No more relationships, Nick. I’m finished with getting my heart broken, especially by you. There is no way I could take that again.”
I removed her hand and held it against my chest, over my heart. “I won’t break your heart, I swear. Do you want me to get on my knees for you?” I sank down in front of her. “I’ll do anything to make you give us a chance. I’ll even beg you for it.”
She grabbed at me, trying to pull me to my feet. “You’ve lost your mind! Get up, Nick, it’s dirty down there.”
“I don’t care.” I reached for her flailing hands, holding them in my own. I needed to make her understand. “I’ll get dirty for you. I’ll do anything to make you listen to me.”
“Fine, I’ll listen. But not here. It can’t be here—there’s too many memories floating around to get lost in.”
“Then let me take you somewhere after the game. The kids are going home with Morgan, it’s her turn with them. How about you ride home with me, and we can talk at my house. Meet me at the gate when the game is over. Please?”
She sighed. “All right, fine. I’ll meet you. I rode with Sadie and Barrett. You can take me home. We are neighbors, after all. No one will think anything of it if we leave together.”
“Promise me you’ll be there.”
“I promise, okay? You’d better get back out there. The team will be coming out any minute, right?”
“Don’t forget you promised,” I reiterated, not caring one bit if I came off as desperate, because I was.
Her face softened. “I always keep my promises. Don’t worry. I’ll be there.”
This had to be the longest second half of a game in my life. I searched for her up in the stands every chance I got.
Finally, it was over. We’d won and I couldn’t find it in me to care. Playing the bathroom card again, I left the postgame pep talk bullshit to my assistant and once again pulled my hat low and took off to find Clara. She was standing at the gate, off to the side.
We left the stadium and headed to my truck. I helped her into the cab and started the engine.
The lights from the field faded into the distance as I drove toward home. “I think part of you likes hiding out and playing hard to get. You push me away because you wonder if I’ll chase you. You don’t trust me.”
“I don’t like it. It’s childish,” she countered. She huffed out a breath and began rambling. “I don’t want to be this way with you. It feels manipulative and I don’t mean to do it, but I can’t seem to stop myself?—”
“Hush, baby, it’s okay. I didn’t mean that to sound so accusatory.” I paused, taking a deep breath of my own. “We have a lot of years to work through, with each other and on our own. Do what you need to do. Do anything, say anything, just don’t give up on me. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Nick, I can’t promise you anything right now?—”
I turned my head, briefly taking my eyes off the road to gauge her reaction. “I get it. Sometimes I feel the same way. I wonder if you’ll come after me if I walk away. But we’re different. You and I have different wounds plaguing us, and I know what some of yours are, Clara. Don’t forget that.”
“I’m so sorry?—”
“Don’t be sorry. Just don’t let this go.”
“I don’t know what to do anymore,” she whispered, the agony in her voice tearing holes in my heart. “I don’t know how I should feel. And you don’t know where all my wounds lie, Nick. Not anymore. I’ve acquired a few more over the years.”
I took her hand across the console. “That’s okay. We have time to figure it out. And if it doesn’t work, at least we didn’t give up without trying, right? You’re so strong?—”
“You know what?” She pulled her hand away. “I’m so sick of being told I’m strong. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I just want to be normal for once in my damn life.”
I pulled into my garage and closed the door behind us. “So be normal then. Or is there something I’m missing? Something you won’t forgive me for, no matter how much you say the past doesn’t matter? You’re hurting, Clara, and I can’t fix the problem if you don’t tell me what it is. I’m not letting this go anymore?—”
“I can’t talk about this when it’s not even your fault! I don’t want to upset you?—”
“Do you think I’ll leave if you make me angry or hurt my feelings? Is that it?”
“Forget it, Nick. This is why I didn’t want to say anything.”
“About what? Say anything about the past? Please do, I need to hear it.”
“Just drop me off. I can’t do this now?—”