Page 76 of Passing Notes
My heart wanted to believe what he was saying. “I guess so.”
“Whatever blame you’re placing on yourself, whatever grief for the past you’re holding on to? Try to let it go. Forgive yourself, forgive him, and go get what you want. You’re more than good enough,” Willa added. “It’s hard to let go of the past—believe me, I know. But it will be worth it once you’re on the other side.”
“Forgiving myself won’t take away the pain if I lose him again,” I argued.
“If you give up and let him get away, years from now you’ll remember this moment and you’ll wish you had put your heart out there again,” Sadie insisted. “You’ll wonder if he really was the one for you and you’ll think, What if? Don’t stop now. Tell him everything, including how you feel about keeping your relationship a secret.”
“What if I tell him and get my heart broken again? How will I be able to take it? It almost destroyed me the first time.”
“If he breaks your heart, then he doesn’t deserve it. And this time you won’t be alone with it, sugar,” Leo soothed. “We will be here for you every step of the way.”
“Go out there and do some main character shit.” Sadie nudged me toward the door. “Go on now, talk to him.”
“Fine. I have to talk to him, if only to tell him about Malcolm, for the sake of his kids. They don’t deserve to get stuck with a stepfather like him. But all I want for myself is peace, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have it when I’m in a relationship.”
“Oh, Clara, no—” Sadie started.
I cut her off. “I want to feel good about myself. I need to be settled and secure and not constantly wondering when something will go wrong. Like.. .” I struggled to find the right words to explain how I felt, which was hard since I didn’t completely understand it myself. “Nothing in life is perfect, I know that. But do you ever doubt Barrett, Sadie?” She bit her lip and looked away. “Molly, do you ever wonder if Garrett is going to leave you? If something happens, do you know Everett is going to stay and work shit out with you, Willa? And Leo, you know Landon is with you forever. You two are the gold standard.”
Molly hugged me into her side. “I’m so sorry you feel like this. As the biggest mess of this group, I might be the only one here who completely gets how you feel right now,” she joked. “But even I think you should try. Nick is a great guy, Clara. He comes out here all the time to play football with Garrett and the guys. I wish I had known what he meant to you. I wish I could have helped somehow.”
My voice felt small and shaky. “I just want someone who will stay with me, you know? Because I’ll stay. I’ll try until there’s nothing left—it’s what I do. But I don’t know if I can take losing him again.”
“You deserve to have that, Clara,” she insisted. “I’ve known Nick for years—the adult Nick, not the memory you’ve been carrying around with you. Even though you have this huge past together, you’re still getting to know each other again. He won’t judge you for this. I honestly believe everything will be okay.”
“I wish I did too. Why am I so afraid?”
“Because this is huge and, like you said before, it’s the real deal. It’s potentially the rest of your life on the line. Plus, a bunch of crap you’ve been burying is hitting you all at once. Don’t give up. You’ll get through this.” She took my hands and gave them a squeeze.
I stood and went to the window overlooking the vast expanse of lawn in back of the inn. Nick was out there playing football with his friends. Maybe they were right, and I should go talk to him.
Could it really be that easy?
I watched him catch the ball then toss it to someone. I took a step back and to the side to move out of view when I saw his brother run across the lawn to catch it.
Over the last few months, I’d forced the memory of that day at the bus station out of my mind. I’d truly believed the past had no bearing on my future with Nick. But seeing Sam brought back how much it hurt.
He was the one who met me that night to give me the note from Nick telling me he had to choose college over me. I’d understood. It had been the smart choice. He had earned a full scholarship to UT and I had nothing, so I accepted his decision without a fight and went on with my life so I wouldn’t hold him back.
Funny how the mind of a teenager can be so fatalistic. Like we couldn’t have worked something out, or even communicated over the years at some point? By the time I had realized how stupid I’d been it was too late.
I couldn’t deal with this right now.
But I would soon for the sake of his kids, and because I loved him, and because no matter how scared and angry I felt right now, I didn’t want to lose him.
I needed a minute to process my feelings and figure out the best way to tell him.
I needed a pause. A small one, just for a few hours, until dinner tonight.
“I’m going home,” I told them. “I have to be alone for a little while.” I turned back to the window. “Look at them. Out there playing football without a damn care in the world, never having to worry about being slut-shamed for their life choices or turned into a sex object for some horny asshole’s amusement.”
“Maybe you should stay here with us,” Sadie suggested. “Or maybe I can go home with you? I don’t think you should be alone right now.”
“I’m fine, Sadie. I swear I am. But I’m way too clumsy to be around all this fragile masculinity right now. I’m afraid of what might come out of my mouth if I try to talk to him right now. But I promise I’ll think about everything that y’all said.”
“Okay, honey. I’m just a phone call away. Always. We all are.” She pulled me into a hug. “Please call me later. I’m worried about you,” she added under her breath.
“I’ll call, I promise. I’ll be fine. I’m just so angry right now. Not at him, he didn’t do anything—” I ran my hands into my hair as I spun around looking for my purse. I had to get out of here.