Page 14 of Love Hazard
“Dad.” August jumped up, then sat back down, pulling ablanket over his lap. “What the hell?”
“I thought you were getting mauled.”
“I was doing the mauling. Her fault. And now you’ve tasedher.”
What? I’d been tased? My shaky eyes looked over at my armand leg. Oh, look at that…tased. Was my tongue supposed to feel so heavy?
“You can’t just go around tasing people. We’ve talked aboutthis. Innocent until proven guilty,” August yelled again. “I don’t hate herenough to tase her.”
“Well…” His dad put his weapon away. “Obviously not sinceher tongue was down your throat. Or vice versa. You know, there are better waysto tell a girl you like her.”
Hear, hear.
Still couldn’t talk.
His dad leaned against the wall. “Son, you don’t need topull her hair or throw rocks, send a note in class, or ask her to circle thingsthen hold hands at skate night—“
“Oh, God, here we go,” August muttered under his breath,still sitting next to my lifeless body. “I know, Dad. I’m a full-assgrown adult.”
His dad looked at me, then atAugust, then back at me. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, only red pajama bottoms anda black baseball hat that said, Yee-Haw. I mean, for a dad, he looked pretty fit. Good for him. He even had some marginallyattractive chest hair.
I’d give him a thumbs-up, but my situation was dire, and Ihad no life in my bones.
August’s dad looked between us again. “Yes, clearly you area full-ass grown adult who, according to Travis—one of my best friends, mindyou—has been on some weird prank-hate war with Hazel.” He did a double take.“Oh, God. Hazel?”
“Mhiiiii.” I tried to speak, butit came out sounding like I’m high. Not the best start.
“You’re Bigfoot.”
He said it like it was true, like the actual myth had justbeen solved. At that point, what did someone do but nod?
So, I did.
He sighed. “I’m calling your dad. This prank war stops now.In fact, no…” He started walking away, then turned back around. “You guyssettle this without us. We have enough stress.” He didn’t say it, but I knew hemeant his wife. “Enough stress,” he said again. “Without dealing with whateverthe hell you guys have going on here. Pack up. You’ll get the Jeep, August.Solve whatever the hell issues you guys have in the mountains. When you comeback, you’d better actually be functioning adults in society.”
“Dad,” August piped up. “We are. This has nothing to do withanything but her being a spoiled princess and me making some jokes.”
“And…” I just had to have the last word, didn’t I? “He wasmean to me in high school.”
Oh, wow. That was literally all I had.
Both stared at me while I sat there in a stupid costume withplastic folding and melting into my skin. I even had one weird claw on my righthand held up like I had an actual point to make, other than the fact that I hadcrept into their house in a full Bigfoot costume just to get the upper hand.
Ha, hand. See? Get it?
I hung my head. “Sorry.”
“Six. It’s six a.m.!” his dad shouted. “In the morning. Getyour shit together, you’re going camping, and you’reworking out whatever the hell is going on. Touch some grass, look at deer, seenature, get eaten by a bear, I don’t care. Maybe we did you guys wrong raisingyou in the city. Do you even know where your food comes from?” He sighed.“Never mind. Just go, go, go, go. And, Hazel, if I see that costume again, I’mburning it.”
“Agreed,” August said under his breath.
I sneered at him, then immediately looked at his dad andfelt a weird need to bow. “Sorry.”
“Go,” he said again. “And I’m calling your dad, damn it. You guys are in your twenties but act like you’restill in middle school. Stupid baby boomers did every generation wrong afterthem. The hell?”
I hung my head as I passed him and walked home. I knew I wasin trouble when my dad opened the door after I stepped onto the grass by thetree.
His arms were folded. Mom was next to him, and mysixteen-year-old brother was eating ice cream and eyeing me with judgmentaleyes.