Page 31 of Wrapped in Hope
Chapter 11
I must have imaginedsomething that wasn’t there. When I was sitting in his Jeep, I could have sworn he wanted to kiss me. I waited, but nothing happened. I feel angry with myself for even thinking that way. What’s wrong with me?
I go directly inside and slide into the bath. I lean back and let the hot water soothe my tired muscles. For the first time in a long time, I feel content. I’m tired, my body is spent, and I realize I’ve gone several hours without even thinking about Dean. While I was at the gym, he didn’t even cross my mind. I was too distracted with working myself to death, or with watching Holden’s muscles as they flexed.
Holden.
There it is. Maybe I should talk to someone about these feelings I’m having about him. I’m so confused between my body and my brain. It’s like my head is programmed to think about Dean, but something happens to my body near Holden. I feel like I’m betraying myself, like I’m betraying Dean. The self-loathing I’ve felt since Dean was taken away now doubles.
Nevertheless, just thinking about Holden makes my muscles tighten with anticipation. How can such an innocent touch set my body ablaze?
My eyes flutter closed as I allow my hands to glide down under the water. My fingertips brush my nipples that harden from the soft touch. They glide over my flat stomach and down to the junction between my legs. I widen my thighs as my fingers slide between my folds. When they brush against my hard nub, a fire is ignited low in my belly.
I allow myself to imagine that it’s Holden’s hand instead of mine. This only makes my fingers work quicker. I picture his flexing muscles at the gym today, the way his strong chest felt against my back at the punching bag, and the look in his eyes when they locked on mine during stretches. I think back on that kiss we shared, and before I know it, I’m spiraling. My breathing picks up as soft moans of pleasure leave my lips. I work myself over until my body has nothing left to give. I finish with his name leaving my lips in a whisper.
The second my body has regained composure, my face flushes with embarrassment. I’ve only ever done that while thinking about that weekend. But being with Holden, feeling his innocent touches, it’s the first thing my body has responded to in a long time. I know it’s wrong, and despite the confusion I’m feeling, I want to be with him, even if it’s casually, like today. He makes me feel alive, and although I know I can never touch him or make him feel what I feel, I want to keep this feeling going.
The butterflies that fill my stomach, the goosebumps that prickle my skin, the tingles that erupt throughout my body when his hand brushes mine, is enough to keep me wanting more.
A cheap thrill: nothing more, nothing less. But a thrill I want nonetheless.
* * *
I wakewith a pounding sound echoing through my apartment. What the fuck? It’s Sunday morning! Who in the hell could be pounding on my door at six A.M?
I pull myself from bed and trudge to the door. Normally I’d look out the peephole, but I’m still dead to the world and it doesn’t even register. I swing the door open wide, ready to yell at whoever is on the other side when I’m stopped dead in my tracks with intense blue-green eyes and a chiseled jaw.
“What are you doing here so early?” I ask Holden while rubbing my eyes.
He hands over a cup of coffee as he steps past me. “We’re getting you into shape, remember?” He turns to face me as I close the door behind him.
“It’s six A.M. on a Sunday. I don’t want to go to the gym right now.” I walk across the room, place my coffee on the table, and fling myself back onto the couch.
“We’re not going to the gym. Getting into shape and being healthy takes more than working out. You have to have fun and be happy too.”
I crack one eye open to see him looking at me over the back of the couch. “What’s that mean?”
“We’re going hiking. Get some fresh air, exercise, and enjoy the scenery.”
That actually doesn’t sound half bad. I’d love to get out of the noisy city for a day. Plus, the nearest hiking trail is miles away. That means I’d get to spend the whole day with him. Maybe figure out what it is that draws me to him and put it behind me. Or at least get my cheap thrill when his arm brushes against mine.
“Okay. That doesn’t sound half bad. I’ve been needing a day out of the rush of the city life anyway.”
He nods with a smile. “Go get ready. We can stop for breakfast on the way.”
I jump up, suddenly feeling overwhelmingly happy. My heart nearly flutters in my chest, creating this high to pump through me. I don’t even feel guilty for it. I’m just excited. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt these good emotions. Normally, all I feel is sadness, loss, guilt. But Holden, he brings out something good inside of me. I don’t give myself time to think. I know if I do, the negative feelings will start to tear through the wall of light he’s building inside of me.
I pull on a pair of work out shorts, and a sports bra. My head is still a little sore from the high ponytail I wore yesterday, so today, I go with a braid. I grab a light jacket on my way out of my room.
“Ready?” I ask, walking into the living room and pulling on my jacket.
His head pops up, eyes landing on my feet, but I watch as they slowly travel up my legs, over my stomach, and linger on my breasts before they find my eyes. His jaw is cocked and his muscles are tense. “Yeah,” he answers as he turns away from me to walk toward the door.
The way he was looking at me has my body buzzing. This high, right here, is what I want. It’s addicting and feels magical as it surges through me.
On the way out the door, I grab my bag that holds my camera so I can take a few pictures of the scenery while we’re out. I can’t wait to add them to my photography collection.
* * *