Page 44 of Wrapped in Hope
Chapter 16
I know I’m young.I know I’m damaged. But I also know what I want. And that’s Holden. It’s only been a couple of days since we ran into one another, but my heart calls to him like it’s been with him all along.
I know it’s wrong. I know people won’t understand. I know it’s considered taboo, but I don’t care about any of that. All I care about is living the rest of my life happy. And Holden provides that. We’re moving fast and that scares him. Hell, it scares me for more reasons than one. I can list them off but that wouldn’t do any good. Holden is what I want, what I need. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, deep in my bones, and in my heart. He makes it so easy to forget that I’m broken. When I’m with him, I only think about him, not what led us to where we are now.
“You need to think about this, Hope,” he tells me as we sit at opposite ends of the kitchen table he just fucked me on.
“I have thought about it. I know what I want.”
He scoffs before rubbing his forehead. “You’re twenty-three. What you want will change many times throughout your life, trust me.”
It angers me that he doesn’t trust me to know myself. “Holden, if there is one thing I know, it’s how you make me feel. I can’t promise that this will be easy, and I can’t promise that it will work. But for now, in this moment, I want you.”
He looks at me with his brows drawn together, his blue-green eyes twinkling with the overhead light hitting them. “Fuck, Hope,” he nearly whispers as he tears his gaze from mine. He hangs his head while shaking it, looking down at his lap.
I can’t keep doing this with him. Yes, I want him. And yes, he wants me. I know he does. I can feel it when he looks at me. I can feel the tension growing between us like I can feel my heart beat, but I can’t keep playing this game of tug-of-war. I can’t force him to be ready. All I can do is wait and let him realize it himself.
I reach across the table and take his hand. “I understand why you’re afraid to move forward with this. But I can wait… as long as you need. Take care of Jane. When you have things squared away, and you know what you want, come see me.” With that, I push away from the table and stand. I take the two steps over to him and kiss him on the cheek before walking away, leaving him speechless.
* * *
By the timeI get back into the city, I’m a nervous wreck. Did I just lose him or did I barely make it out alive?
I want Holden, there’s no denying that, but maybe he’s right. It will be extremely hard for us as a couple. But I can’t ignore the way I feel about him or the emotions that pump through my veins when he touches me.
I walk into my apartment and crash on the couch.
“Where have you been all weekend? I haven’t seen much of you,” Jenn says as she walks out of the kitchen and sits on the couch beside me.
“I met someone. Well, it’s someone I’ve known all my life, but I ran into him Friday night and we’ve spent a lot of time together.” I look over to see her push her black hair behind her ears.
“Who is he? A cute guy you never got to date in high school?”
I laugh. She has no idea. “Kind of, but not really. He’s Dean’s adoptive father.”
Shock covers her face. “Dean? As in your late fiancé?”
I’m afraid to look at her, so I just nod while watching my fingers tangle together. “That’s the one.”
She sits up suddenly. “Wait. Was that who was here last night?”
I quickly look over at her. “You heard us?” Embarrassment washes over me, causing my face to heat up.
“The whole building could hear you! I had to get up and put on my noise-reducing head phones at two A.M.”
I cover my hot face with my hands. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize we were so loud.”
“I can’t believe you are sleeping with his dad! I mean, he’s got to be what? At least twice your age. Not to mention, haven’t you known him since you were like five or something? That’s disgusting.” Her nose crinkles, proving how disgusted she really is.
This is exactly what Holden was talking about. Nobody will understand us. All people will see is our past connection, not what we have now. They won’t see that we’re both just two broken people who found comfort in one another. They won’t see the way we look at each other. They won’t see the sparks fly when we touch. Nobody will understand us, but us. We will always be judged.
“You don’t understand,” I breathe out.
She stands, holding her arms out. “What’s to understand? You’re fucking a man that’s twice your age, a man you’ve known since you were a child, the man who raised the fucking guy you were going to marry!”
“I know, but everything isn’t black and white!” I defend my feelings while holding off the threat of tears from being judged unfairly.
She takes a deep breath and sits down. “Look, you know my experiences with men, but explain it to me. I’ll try to understand.”