Page 45 of Wrapped in Hope

Is this how my life will be if Holden and I do move forward? Will I be constantly explaining my relationship? Regardless, let’s give it a shot.

The unshed tears are burning my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. Instead I take a deep breath while holding my eyes open, waiting for them to go dry. “I ran into him at a group meeting. He’s been going because his wife has been depressed since Dean passed away. He’s hurt and lonely. He doesn’t have anyone that’s there for him.”

“Wait. He’s married?” she asks with a lift of her brow.

Fuck. That doesn’t help. A rush of air leaves my chest, causing my shoulders to slump shamefully.

“He’s in an open marriage. Yes, they are still married, but it’s only because Holden is afraid to leave her alone. She’s given him permission to see other people as long as he doesn’t leave her.”

She shakes her head before closing her eyes and running her hand through her hair, something she does when she’s stressed. “I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to hear anymore.” She stands and begins to walk away.

I stand quickly. “Have you ever had your soul lit on fire from a simple, friendly touch? Have you ever felt the tingles that takeover your body when that person walks into a room? Someone you can feel before you even see them?” She stops and turns to look at me.

“That’s how I feel about Holden. I know it’s crazy as fuck and doesn’t make any sense. I know it’s wrong and it’s something that nobody will ever understand, but should I give all that up, just because it makes other people uncomfortable?”

She shakes her head before walking away, closing her bedroom door behind her.

I collapse onto the couch. Maybe Holden is right. Maybe I should stay away from him. Jen doesn’t even want to hear it. I can’t imagine what my parents will say.

* * *

It’s beena week since I left Holden at his house. I haven’t heard from or seen him since. A part of me feels like a piece of my heart is missing, but another part of me feels relieved. We need space and distance to put everything into perspective.

I’ve gone to school, but I’ve skipped group because I’m afraid I’ll run into him. I have been keeping my promise of staying away from alcohol, even though I’ve found myself wanting to reach for it more than once. And I’ve continued to go to the gym. Not the gym he took me to, but one I found on my own. I run five miles every two days. Mostly, I just try to keep myself busy.

For the first couple of days, he was all I thought about. I wondered if I would see him again. I longed to see him, touch him. I wanted to run to him, but I held back. There are things I need to think about. One of those things being: how could this ever work for us? Nobody will approve. We will have to fight every single day just to be together. Is it worth it?

I’ve asked myself that question at least a hundred times over the past week, and I still don’t have an answer. I don’t know if I ever will. But until then, I refuse to go to him. I said I would wait, and that’s what I’m going to do. It’s easier to ignore what I feel for him if I don’t see him.

I’ve also realized that since last weekend with Holden, I haven’t thought about Dean once, and that brought on a whole new set of anxiety. How could I do that? I loved Dean. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I look down on the ring that I still haven’t taken off.

Maybe it’s time.

I sit on my bed with my back pressed against the headboard as I lean my head back and look at the ceiling. “What am I supposed to do now, Dean?”

No answer, not that I was expecting one. Is it okay for me to move on with someone else? Is it something he would want for me? Leaving him in the past is hard. Up until the accident, he was a constant in my life. He showed me love and kindness. He was my first love. How do you leave all that behind you?

Holden is a lot like Dean, but so different. Holden is dealing with the same loss I am. He’s also dealing with a sick wife while being trapped in a loveless marriage. Then there is me, further complicating things for him. I know he said that he wasn’t good for me, but maybe I’m not good for him.

I’ve only been making things more complicated for him. Maybe he finally saw that and that’s why I haven’t heard from him.

Whatever happens, it’s time to take care of me. I have to let go of Dean. I have to let go of Holden. I have to heal and fix myself. I have to move on.

I look back at the tiny diamond on my finger. It’s dull and tarnished because I haven’t taken it off since I was released from the hospital, but it’s finally time. I didn’t realize until now that falling for Holden was helping me get over Dean. I’m not replacing one with the other as many people would think. I’ve just fallen for a man who is as broken as I am, a man who is helping me heal.

“Dean, I love you and I always will, but it’s time I let you go. It’s time for me to move on and see what all is out there. Find the life I was meant to live.” I pull the ring from my finger and hold it in my palm, studying it. This ring has meant so much to me since the moment he pulled that little black box from his pocket, but it’s time I tuck it away.

I stand and open the small drawer on my jewelry box before placing the ring inside and closing it. It’s time to make an effort, to release the negative, to move on and spread my wings on my own.