Page 47 of Wrapped in Hope

My heart sinks to my stomach. “She is?” I ask confused.

I have to admit, I thought that even if this new medication did work, there would be a chance she still wouldn’t give a shit about me. Hearing that she’s asking for me causes anxiety to wash over me.

I turn around and head directly to the hospital. My head is filled with questions the whole way. I’m excited yet scared to see which version of Jane I could be walking up to. Will she be like she used to be when Dean was alive? Will she be the woman who’s still dealing with loss and grief after he was taken? Or will she be the lifeless woman I’ve been living with these last few years?

I walk into the hospital and up to her room where I peer in through the glass. She’s sitting in a chair next to the window, looking out. I take a deep breath before pushing on, feeling let down because I don’t see any change in her.

When I close the door quietly behind me, she turns her head toward the sound, smiling when she sees me.

Her acknowledging me makes me stop dead in my tracks. It’s been years.

“How are you feeling, Jane?”

“I don’t know. Different? A little foggy from the new medication, but well,” she says, weakly. She stands and opens her arms.

I slowly walk up to her and pull her in for a hug. It doesn’t feel like I thought it would only weeks ago. Back before all this happened, I thought about what it would be like to get her back. I pictured this very moment. I thought having her in my arms again would make me feel whole, but it doesn’t. I don’t feel anything.

She releases me and sits down, motioning for me to join her. I take the seat she’s offering and try to get comfortable, even though I have too much stress and anxiety running through me. What will come of this?

“Holden, I need to apologize to you.” She’s looking at her feet, but then, she looks up at me and I can see so many emotions burning in her eyes. It makes my chest hurt, like I’m being squeezed.

“I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through these past five years. I know you were hurting too and I left you alone. I pushed you away because I felt like if I moved on, I would forget him. I know he wasn’t mine. I didn’t carry him, but he was my little boy.”

“I know, Jane.” I reach out and hold her hand in mine.

Her thumb runs over my hand. “This new medication is helping me, and I’m going to keep taking it. I’m going to go to therapy to continue on my journey to recovery like you’ve begged me to all these years.”

“Why now, Jane?” It’s a selfish question, I know. But I have to know.

The corner of her mouth pulls up into a crooked smile. “This is the lowest I’ve been in my life. What I did, it made me see how lost I really was. I just thought that his memory was enough to keep me afloat, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t helping me the way I thought it was. It was hurting me. And by hurting myself, I hurt you.”

She swallows and takes a deep breath. “Look Holden, I know the last few years of our marriage haven’t been happy years, but now that I’m on the right path, I’d like to try again. I want to get better. I want to be with you, give you everything you need.” Anxiety and nervousness are etched into her face, creating deep wrinkles to form around her eyes. She’s been sick for so long, it really took a toll on her body, making her appear older than she really is.

I don’t know what to do or say. For five fucking years now I’ve been holding on to her, begging her to get help. I never took her up on her offer of finding what I needed elsewhere. But then, I broke. I couldn’t wait for her any longer and I found Hope. A woman who is forbidden and wrong for me in every way, but a woman I’m completely fucking addicted to. She owns my body and soul. She’s taken up permeant residence in my brain, in my heart.

This past week, I was supposed to be pulling away, but it’s only made me realize that I can’t break away from her. I’m in love. And now my wife who has wanted nothing to do with me for five years wants to try again? I have to come clean.

“Jane, I have to tell you something and I hope to God it doesn’t affect your recovery.” I take a deep breath, working up the nerve to tell her something that may send her off on another downward spiral. “I’ve been seeing someone.”

She pulls her eyes away from mine as she looks out the window in deep thought. I pray that I haven’t lost her to the world she escapes to.

After a long silence, she turns back to me. “It’s okay, Holden. It’s been hard and I haven’t been there for you. I left you alone. I don’t blame you for seeking what you needed somewhere else. But if you’re interested, if even a piece of you still loves me, I’d like to try and get better for you. It won’t be easy. I know there is a gap between us and we will both have to work hard to overcome it, but I’d like to do that work.”

Anger rushes through me. Not at Jane, at my-fucking-self. Why did I have to give up on her? Why don’t I love her? Why did I have to go and give my heart to someone I can never have? It wouldn’t be fair to Jane to say I’ll try when I know damn well and good that I won’t ever love her the way she needs.

But can I deny the woman I’ve spent over twenty years with? She’s finally doing as I’ve asked. Can I crush her dream of being a family again?

“Holden?” Jane says, drawing me from my thoughts.

I quickly look up at her kind smile that I used to love.

“I know this is a lot to take in. I’ve had days to think about it and I just threw it all at you, but I think somewhere deep inside of you, you still love me. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have stuck around this long. I’m not saying it will be as it was before. I’m not that naive, but I think our twenty year marriage is worth salvaging, don’t you?”

I look at her, but don’t say anything. I’m frozen between what I wanted a year ago and what I want now. I want Jane healthy and happy, but should I just forget the past five years and move on like they didn’t happen? I’m not sure I can bridge the gap between us. I’m not sure I want to.

I sit up, resting my elbows on my knees and holding my head in my hands as I rub the stress lines from my forehead. “Jane, I’ve wanted to hear you say those words for so long.”

“I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to realize what you mean to me. I thought I was incapable of loving anyone. I didn’t even love myself. But after all this,” she waves her hand around the room, “I know what’s important now. I want to try. What do you say?”