Page 48 of Wrapped in Hope
Chapter 18
It’s beenone month since my weekend with Holden and I still have to fight the urge to run to him. I’ve been doing good on my own. I go to class and to the gym daily. That’s one thing Holden was right about. The gym really does help to get out some aggression, and it gives me time to focus on nothing but me. I haven’t been back to group because I’m still afraid to run into him. I know that if I see him, I’ll want to touch him, be with him. And due to his lack of contact over the past month, that’s something he doesn’t want. A piece of me wonders if he’s reconciled with his wife, and as much pain as that thought brings, I hope they found their happiness in this ugly situation.
I’ve been spending all my time working on myself. I’ve even made a few friends at school, something I never tried to do before. And I’ve picked up a part time job at a coffee shop, just to occupy my time. With whatever spare time I have, I usually spend my days seeing the world behind the lens of my camera.
Slowly but surely, everything begins to get better. I still think of Dean, but now instead of thinking about how he was taken from this world way too soon, I think about all the good times we had. I try to focus on the positive instead of only seeing the negative.
Dean was a large part of my life growing up. He made me who I am today. He was also the cause of my downfall. Thanks to Holden, I knew I had to let all that go. The moment I took that ring off my finger, the weight on my shoulders was lighter. I found it easier to go longer periods of time without feeling his loss. Making friends, going to the gym, and getting a job has all helped me as well. I’m an active part of society now.
Even though I think of Dean less and less, I think of Holden more and more. I find myself looking for him in a crowd of people. I think back on that weekend we spent together and wonder if there was anything I could’ve done differently that would have resulted in us being together right now. I have questions upon questions with no answers.
Many women would say that he used me, but I don’t believe that because I saw the way he looked at me, I heard his shuddering breath when we touched, and I felt every ounce of passion and desire when he looked into my eyes. When it comes to Holden, I believe that he made my decision for me. He was afraid of what people would say about us, what my parents would say about us. He didn’t want to make my life harder by having to fight for our relationship. He probably thinks he made the right decision for me, but he’s wrong. Nothing in this world is worth fighting for more than love and happiness.
My phone begins ringing as I’m walking out the coffee shop I work at. I dig it from my bag and put it to my ear. “Hey, Dad. What’s up?”
“Hi, sweetheart. How was your shift?”
“Ahh, you know.” I push my hair away from my face as the wind whips it around me.
“Listen, I have something I need to ask you, but I want to let you know that it’s okay if you say no. I know how hard you’ve worked to get yourself to where you are now.”
His tone alarms me. “What are you talking about, Dad? Is Mom okay?”
“She’s fine. This has to do with Dean.”
My feet stop moving on their own. “Dean?”
“I don’t know if you know this or not, but Jane attempted to commit suicide about a month ago.”
Of course I know, but I can’t tell him how I know. “Oh, no. How is she?”
“She’s much better. She spent some time in a mental facility. She’s been going to therapy and they have managed to adjust her medications. It’s almost like she’s her old self.”
I feel my shoulders slump. That’s why I haven’t heard from Holden. He has his old wife back now. “That’s great,” I say, but my tone betrays me.
“It is, but there are a few things she needs to do in order to put everything behind her so she can move on.”
“And what does any of this have to do with me?”
He takes a deep breath. “She would like us all to go and visit Dean’s grave.”
My head begins swimming, causing me to sit down on a bench outside of the coffee shop. This whole time, I’ve never been to Dean’s gravesite. I refused to go the day of the funeral. It’s been a place I’ve avoided for five years. Can I go now? Would going there put me back at the place I just escaped from, or would it finally give me a sense of closure?
“You can say no, Hope. I understand all the pain it could bring up for you. If you don’t want to go, please just tell me and I will tell Holden that it isn’t an option. I’d rather have you safe and happy.”
Holden is the one who asked? My heart momentarily stops beating. Why wouldn’t he ask me himself? Because he’s with his wife and can’t face me? I close my eyes as I take a deep breath. “I’ll go.”
“Are you sure? You’ve made such progress lately. I don’t want to set you back on your road to recovery.”
“No, I think it will be good for me. It’s the final step really. I’ve always avoided that place. It will be nice to have some closure.”
“Okay. I’ll let them know. They are planning on going this Saturday. Can you make it home?”
“It’s not a problem, Dad. I’ll talk to you later and I’ll see you Saturday.”
“I love you, pumpkin.”
“Love you too, Dad.” I hang up the phone with shaking hands.