Page 49 of Wrapped in Hope

I push myself forward, refusing to think about anything right now. I always think much more clearer when I work out. I head straight to the gym.

I change from my work clothes to the spare set of gym clothes I keep in my locker and head for the treadmill. I put my earbuds in my ears and blare the music as loud as it will go. I don’t want to hear the weights clanking together. I don’t want to hear the people around me. I only want to hear the loud music and the sound of the blood rushing my ears.

I run as fast and as long as I can. My legs feel like jelly, my lungs burn for more oxygen, and my mouth is so dry I couldn’t spit if you paid me. I’m completely worn out from school, work, and my run. I know when my head hits the pillow tonight, there will be nothing stopping me from a good night’s rest. And that’s the way I like it.

* * *

Once everyone finishes eating, we’re all in the pool. The adults are floating around with drinks in their hand on one end, and Dean and I are on the other with a raft between us. My mom and dad are laughing and talking. My dad says something that causes her to splash at him playfully. But my dad dunks under quickly, causing Holden to get all the water. He turns around with a wide smile that makes my breath catch. His black hair is wet and hanging down over his eyes. He smooths it back and the sunlight hits his blue-green eyes, making them sparkle.

He points at my mom in a joking manner, and says something that causes her to dash for the side of the pool. My dad and Jane laugh as he chases her out. Seeing him soaking wet and only wearing a pair of swim short has my stomach tightening. His chest and stomach are covered in rippling muscles, and when he picks my mom up, his biceps flex.

She’s laughing and screaming, attempting to get away from him while he walks closer to the edge. Suddenly, he throws her in. My dad and Jane cheer him on as she pops above water and splashes at him.

I can’t hear a word they are saying. It’s like watching a movie with the sound off. I can only watch Holden. He’s mesmerizing. My eyes feel drawn to him. He looks over at us and his smile fades when his eyes lock on mine. I see his Adam’s apple bob in his throat and his abs tighten. Does he know what I’m thinking right now?

He quickly turns away, jumping back into the pool. I don’t look away as I wait for him to surface. When he does, he’s looking right at me again. I’m breathless, my lips part, trying to take in more oxygen. I don’t know why, but I feel this pull like my body belongs in his hands.

I know looking at a man that is the same age as my dad should be a turn off, but it isn’t. His body is so much more than what I’m used to seeing. Dean has muscles, but they are softer and smaller. They don’t bulge and flex the way Holden’s do. I want to reach out and touch him, feel how hard they are.

He doesn’t look old the way my dad does. He looks mature and more refined. He’s not a boy. He’s a man. And a part of me longs to see what that’s like.

“What are you thinking so hard about?” Dean ask.

I quickly jerk my head back to look at him. “The adults over there are getting a little drunk I think.”

* * *

Saturday approaches quicklyand it’s time to start freaking out. All week I refused to think about this day. Seeing Dean’s grave and seeing Holden with his wife, acting like no time has passed, may be more than my heart can stand. It’s something I have to do though. I need to let Dean go forever. I need to see Holden and his wife together so that maybe I can let him go as well.

I borrow Jen’s car and make the hour drive out of the city. When I turn onto our road, memories flood over me. A month ago when I drove to Holden’s house, I refused to look around. I didn’t want to see the past and be reminded of Dean. But now, I try to remember the both of us driving down this road, his beautiful smile, and the love he made me feel: only the good things.

I pull up at my parents’ house and step out of the car, looking over at Holden’s. Their house looks as it always has: neatly mowed yard and perfect flower beds along the front. There’s one difference though. A for sale sign in the yard. They’re selling their house.

I try not to think about what that means as I make my way inside. My mom is rushing around half dressed, and my father has his tie loosened as he sits in the recliner.

“Hi, pumpkin.”

“Hi, Dad,” I reply as I sit down on the couch, feeling more and more let down. Holden and Jane got back together. Their house is for sale. They must be moving away together. Not only will I not have Holden, but I won’t even be able to see him anymore either.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” He looks at me with concern etched on his face, causing wrinkles to form around his dark eyes.

I nod once. “As ready as I’ll ever be. What time are we supposed to be there?”

He looks at his watch. “Two o’clock.”

I look up at the wall clock and see that I have exactly thirty minutes. Thirty minutes until I’m face to face with Dean’s grave and the man I can never have again. My heart starts pounding in my chest and I need an escape.

“I’m going to head up to my room to change. I didn’t have any of my nice clothes at school with me.”

He nods but doesn’t pull his eyes from the game he’s watching.

I walk up the stairs and turn right down the hall. I pause in the hallway at my room. It’s been four years since I’ve set foot in this room. Threats of Dean’s memory linger just beyond this varnished wood.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, hoping to clear out all the anxiety I’m feeling already.

I push the door open and walk into my room. Everything is just how I left it. The calendar that Dean wrote on that marked our day to begin our future is still hanging on the wall, all of the pictures of us together still in their rightful place. It’s like a time warp. I look over each and every one, and instead of feeling sadness, I smile at the fond memories.

After I look everything over, I open my closet and I take out the white dress I’m going to wear. I pull it on and it fits better than it used to. I bought this dress when I was eighteen to wear to a banquet for honor roll students. However I came down with the flu and never got a chance to wear it until now.

The dress is sleeveless and tight across my chest and stomach. The skirt is loose and flowing until it ends just above my knees. It’s not sexy or revealing, but classy. I chose this dress because Dean loved it. I know most people wear black to things like this, but I prefer white because this is my new beginning. It’s not a dark day for me. I want the light of my future to be reflected all around me.

I let my long, dark hair flow around me and add a touch of makeup. I smear on a light coat of pink shimmering lip-gloss and add a little mascara and blush before slipping my feet into a pair of white flats.

I stand to look myself over just as someone taps on my door. “Are you ready, pumpkin?” my dad asks.

I turn around to face him. “I’m ready.”

He holds out his arm and I walk to his side. “You look beautiful,” he says with a kiss to the top of my head.