Page 52 of Wrapped in Hope
Her eyes flash to mine. “I don’t know if you know this or not, but I’ve treated her unfairly. I was never her biggest fan when she and Dean were together. And then after the accident, I sort of blamed her for his death. I know it wasn’t fair, but it was easier for me if there was someone to blame. I need to tell her I’m sorry and that it wasn’t her fault.”
I nod, completely understanding. “I’ll call Gary tomorrow and see if they can get ahold of her.”
“Maybe after we go to the cemetery we can come back here and cook out like we all used to. You know, one final party.”
I stand and kiss her on the top of her head. “Sounds perfect. I’ll come by tomorrow.” I walk out in a hurry, trying to run from something that can’t be escaped.
Hope.
I’m going to have to see her.
* * *
Janeand I are standing at Dean’s grave when I see movement from the corner of my eye. I turn my head to see Gary, Lisa, and Hope. The moment I take her in, I’m hit with an explosion of emotion. I want to go to her, pull her against me, and tell her how fucking sorry I am. I want to kiss her breathless, make sure she understands that I want her with every fucking piece of myself and that I never meant to hurt her. Spending this month alone, knowing that she was out there and wanting me, it was one of the hardest times of my life. Having to deny myself every day of the one thing my heart and body called for has slowly stolen pieces of my soul — pieces that she holds in her hands.
I know it’s wrong, but my heart can’t grasp the concept. The heart wants what the heart wants, regardless of age, situations, the past, present, and future. My heart beats the same rhyme as hers. My lungs burn for oxygen until she walks into the room, breathing the air back into me. And my soul calls out for her, like she was always meant to be my other half.
She looks absolutely breathtaking in that white dress — just like an angel. Her tanned toned legs beg to be wrapped around my hips again. She looks even more beautiful than the last time I saw her. Her plump lips are pink and shimmering in the bright sun. And her dark eyes are still full of questions, questions that I want to answer but probably shouldn’t.
Jane walks up to them, giving them each a hug. “I’m so thankful you guys came.”
Gary and Lisa both say something to her, but I’m not paying any attention because all I can see is Hope. She’s biting her bottom lip and batting her big brown eyes at me like she doesn’t believe I’m standing right in front of her. I see her right hand twitch like she wants to reach for me, but at the last second, she clasps her hands together like she has to restrain herself.
All I want to do is march over there, pull her lip from between her teeth and kiss her like I’ve wanted to for a month now. I long for the tingles her touch creates. I miss the electric shock and the way every hair on my body stands on end when her big eyes lock on mine when she’s shattering beneath me. I just want to feel her, kiss her, love her. However, her dad standing right next to her may have a few words about that.
That’s exactly why we wouldn’t work,I remind myself. Even if Jane is okay with it, he never will be. In his eyes, I will be nothing more than the friend that betrayed him by fucking his daughter and keeping it a secret.
I pull my eyes away from hers and look at the headstone instead. I should be thinking about my son right now, not nailing his girlfriend.
The four of them walk over to stand next to me in front of the headstone, and somehow, Hope gets placed directly beside me. When my elbow brushes hers, the tingles take over. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to clear my head of the memories of her that play before my eyes. I hear her take a deep, cleansing breath of her own.
Jane walks up to the headstone, placing her hand on top as she turns to face the four of us. “As you all know, these last five years have been extremely hard on me. I sank into a sea of depression. I was angry and sad, and just couldn’t understand why this happened.” She looks at Hope. “I blamed you for the death of my son. And that was wrong. If anything, you made his life better. You gave him friendship, and love, and kindness. I wanted you to be here today so I could apologize to you. I’m so sorry, Hope. I pray that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but I completely understand if you can’t.”
“There’s nothing to forgive, Mrs. Brantford. I’ve been in the same sea you’re talking about, and I blamed myself. It’s only been recently that I’ve been trying to get better, to let him go. I needed to come today to do the same as you. So thank you for inviting me,” Hope says, wiping a tear from her eye.
Jane nods and turns her back to us, kneeling down to be even with his grave. “Dean, I think you know how much I love you. But it’s time for me to move on. I hope you understand. You made my life so happy, and full of so much joy. Thank you for letting me be your mother. I wish you would’ve gotten a chance to live life. But know that no matter where I go, you will be with me. I love you, Son.” She stands and turns toward us.
“That was beautiful, Jane,” I tell her.
“Would anyone else like to say anything?” she asks, looking at all of us.
“I will,” Hope speaks up. She takes a few steps and kneels the same as Jane. “Dean,” she lets out a soft cry. “I’m so sorry. I know now that it wasn’t my fault, but I’m sorry that we didn’t get our future together. I’m sorry that you didn’t get to live life. And I’m sorry, but I have to let you go. Please forgive me, but you’ll always be with me.” She kisses her fingertips and presses them to the stone before standing and walking into her father’s outstretched arms. I wish more than anything they were my arms. I want to be the one to comfort her, but that’s not my right.
I look at them all before stepping forward. “Dean,” I start but the words fall from my lips as I shake my head, trying to clear it. I don’t even know what to say. Honestly, I know what to say, but I can’t say it with an audience. I turn around. “Would you guys mind giving me a little privacy?”
They all nod and agree before walking back toward the cars. Once they are no longer in ear shot, I kneel at his grave. “Dean, I’m so fucking sorry. I’m afraid I’ve fallen in love with someone who wasn’t mine to claim. She’s yours. I know it’s wrong, and I’m sure you probably hate me for it, but I’m a weak man. If you can even call me a man. I know I betrayed you, but please forgive me. I’ll always love you like my own son.”
I brush away the tear that’s threatening to fall and walk over to the four of them talking by the cars.
“Holden is going to throw some food on the grill. Will you all come? It will be like old times,” Jane says, reaching for Lisa’s hand.
“We’d love to,” Lisa replies.
I look at Hope and see her roll her eyes. I see that bad habit hasn’t left yet. I have the urge to throw her over my knee, but I fight against it. It wouldn’t be a punishment anyway. I could never hurt her. It would be more for the kink than anything and that’s something I can’t have anymore.
I withdraw myself from the conversation as they begin loading up to head back to the house. The whole way, Jane talks about how good it was seeing Hope again after all these years, how beautiful she’s grown to be, and how healthy she looks. Just listening to Jane talk about her has me fighting to keep my erection away.