Page 53 of Of Course, Cutie

My brother stood and crossed my room to look out the window at the melting snow. “Sienna says he does. Her exact words were, ‘The love in that man’s eyes made my god-damn heart hurt, Evan. You fucked up.’”

Tears blurred my vision, and I hugged myself to keep from shattering even further.

Evan let out a dry laugh. “Charlie, I’ve been trying to fill dad’s shoes, which is an impossible feat. I’ve done a shitty job at it, and by being a shitty dad, I’ve also been a shitty brother.”

He sighed and started to pace in front of my window. “We should have had the kind of relationship where you could come to me and be like, ‘Sup, bro? I’m interested in this guy.’ And then I’d say, ‘Whoa, Charlie. He’s a lot older than you. Are you sure that’s a good idea?’ And then you could’ve set me straight like you always do, and I could’ve been on your side the whole time.”

Evan glanced over at me, and I finally met his gaze. His eyes mirrored my own—full of pain, regret, and uncertainty. “I tried to protect you, kid, but I ended up hurting you instead.”

“Yeah. Ya did.”

“Charlie,” Evan sighed and ran his hands over his face. “I was wrong, but do you understand even a little bit why I did it? Do you understand how much it freaked me out to see a guy that’s fifteen years older than you with his hands on you? It scared the shit out of me because I love you. I realized I’ve been so focused on running the bar and planning my wedding. I didn’t even see what was going on right in front of my face. I swore I’d look out for you, and I missed something so big. I failed, Charlie.”

Evan began to pace again. “I’m fucking terrified of something bad happening to you, mom, Bea, Sophia, or Sienna.” His voice cracked, “I want to keep you safe. But Burke’s a good guy, and you’re a smart girl. I should have trusted you because you’ve always been able to take care of yourself.”

Silence settled between us, and I chewed on my lower lip. I was beyond pissed at my brother, but a part of me missed him. I missed teasing him. I missed falling into his arms when I was sad because I knew he had my back. Most of my heart begged me to forgive him because life was too short to hold grudges.

If I were a little stronger, I would have already forgiven Evan. I would have already called Burke and demanded that he get over himself. But my fragile glass walls were wrecked, and I didn’t have the capacity for any more forgiveness or vulnerability.

I wanted to say, “I know why you did it, bro. I should have been honest with you that I was into Burke a long time ago so that it didn’t turn into this messy misunderstanding. I love you, too.” Instead, I gave Evan a stiff nod and walked out of my bedroom.

“Charlie!” Evan called after me. “How can I fix it?”

“You can’t.” I grabbed my coat from the hook by the front door and stepped out into the cold afternoon. It was March now, and the frozen earth was beginning to thaw. This was usually my favorite time of year because it reminded me that life could continue after death. The dead leaves could sprout again. The sun could come back out and warm my face. It signified a new beginning.

But this year, I didn’t want a new beginning. I wanted to go back to the time that set me on fire even though the world was frozen.

26

Burke

“Tess, sweetheart, it’s time for me to get you back to your mom’s house.”

Tess wandered out of her bedroom, holding the paper dolls that Charlie made for her during the Tinkerbell marathon. “Okay. Is Charlie going to come and play next time? I miss her.”

A dull ache settled in the middle of my chest. “I miss her, too, sweetheart, but she can’t come to play anymore.”

Tess wrinkled her forehead. “Why? Did she move away?”

“No. Get your shoes, please.”

Tess slid her feet into her pink tennis shoes. “Is she sick?”

“No. Backpack.”

“Does she not like me anymore?”

I sighed and sank to my knees in front of my daughter. I took both of her hands in mine and said, “It has nothing to do with you. Charlie is still your friend, but she was my friend, too, and I…” How could I explain this to my daughter? “I hurt her feelings, and now we aren’t friends anymore.”

Tess looked at me like I was the dumbest fuck that ever walked the earth. “So say you’re sorry, daddy!”

I gave Tess a half-smile. “It’s not that easy. I hurt her feelings really bad.”

“Then say you’re really sorry.” My daughter rolled her eyes and bent to pick up her backpack. She pulled open my front door and headed for my car. What if it could be that simple? What if I could say sorry and have Charlie back in my arms?

I’d do it in a fucking heartbeat. But it wasn’t that simple. She’d have to choose between her family and me, and I’d never ask that of her.

When Tess and I pulled up to Lexi’s picture-perfect-two-story house in the suburbs, I got out and walked my daughter up to the front door. My ex-wife pulled it open and bent down to give Tess a big kiss. The fact that she loved our daughter was her only redeeming quality in my eyes.