Page 39 of Glad You're Here

seventeen

Levi

Thea turned on the shower while I filled a glass with water in the small kitchenette. My mind was still blown by the kiss in front of Delicate Arch. She liked me. Holy shit. And now we were alone together in our single shared hotel room. I should kiss her again, shouldn’t I? I’d do it as soon as she got out of the shower.

Damn, that was a good kiss.

I headed for my suitcase that sat on the counter outside the bathroom, surprised to see the bathroom door still open.

Thea stood in the open doorway, locked me in her gorgeous green gaze, and played with the hem of her t-shirt. She slowly lifted it, giving me an enticing view of her bare stomach. My body flooded with desire— desire and guilt.

I worked so hard last night trying to absolve my Mormon guilt after I left Thea’s room, but it reared its ugly, powerful head in an instant.

Words from my childhood played in my mind like a broken record. Fornication is next to murder in the eyes of God. Obey the law of chastity. Premarital sex is a grave sin. Pornography is vile and filthy.

And then I was twenty-one again, sitting in my bishop’s office with the door closed as he conducted my premarital worthiness interview.

“Good afternoon, Brother Thompson.” His smile didn’t reach his eyes. I hadn’t done anything horribly wrong, but my hands trembled, and my palms sweated a little. Two nights ago, I squeezed Gina’s backside while we kissed. I knew it was wrong, but I was caught up in the heat of the moment, knowing she’d be my wife in less than a week. Gina cried after I did it because it made her feel dirty. Was that something I needed to confess to my bishop? Had Gina already told her bishop what I did? Would this sin keep us from being married in the temple?

I wouldn’t survive the shame of having to be married in a civil ceremony. Everyone would know that we’d done something wrong. Everyone would whisper and gossip. The thought of my father’s rage if I embarrassed him this way made it difficult to swallow.

“Brother Thompson,” my bishop continued. “The Lord is pleased with your decision to be married in the holy temple. Is there any reason He would find you unworthy to receive this great blessing on your wedding day?”

“No.” Was that a lie? Lying to God’s servant could destroy my entire life. God knew every terrible thing I’d ever done.

“Any impure thoughts about your fiance’s body? Any touching of sacred body parts over or under clothing? Have you engaged in the sinful self-harming practice of masturbation?”

I shook my head again, feeling sick to my stomach. God knew every sexual thought I’d ever had. I couldn’t hide my unworthiness from Him.

Then I was ten, sitting cross-legged on the living room floor with the remote in my hand.

A man and woman were in bed together on TV. He was on top of her, and they were making moaning and gasping noises. It made me feel tingly and weird.

Then, my father burst into the room with rage in his eyes. “Turn that filth off, Brigham!” He ripped the remote out of my hand so roughly that it hurt my arm. He switched off the TV and threw the remote against the wall. The back snapped off, and the batteries fell out. “You’ve lost television for a month!” My father’s face filled with disgust.

I didn’t know what I did wrong. What did I do wrong? I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I tried to breathe through the panic, to remind myself that I wasn’t that kid anymore. I didn’t believe what he believed. I didn’t have to fear what he feared. I begged myself to come back to this moment with Thea. She was everything I truly wanted. I couldn’t ruin this.

My heart raced, and my mouth turned dry as Thea tugged her shirt over her head. She fully intended to undress in front of me. What should have been my fantasy slowly turned into my nightmare.

She unzipped her sports bra, and turmoil exploded in my head. I snapped my eyes shut to make it stop.

I heard her breath catch in surprise at my reaction. “Oh,” her voice sounded wounded, and I hated myself. “Sorry. I’ll undress in the bathroom.”

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t tell her about the traumatic memories holding me captive. Instead, I listened to the bathroom door close behind the woman that I should have had in my arms.

I couldn’t even properly fantasize about having her gorgeous, naked body in my arms.

Fuck the fucking church.

I slammed my palm against the wall in anger and hung my head. I collapsed on one of the two queen beds in the room and tried to work out how to fix this. Thea thought I didn’t want her. That couldn’t have been further from the truth, but actions spoke louder than words. She’d never believe my words after the way I’d acted.

The water turned off, but several minutes passed before Thea returned to the bedroom, fully dressed. Her movements were stiff, and she avoided my gaze as she repacked her bag. We weren’t checking out until tomorrow. Had I hurt her so badly that she wanted to leave now?

“Thea,” I began, hoping to explain my actions in a way that wouldn’t make me lose her. “Look, I’m into you. I —”

“Stop.” She raised her hand to shut me up, an angry fire burning in her eyes. Damn, she was beautiful. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I came onto you and completely misread the situation. That was my bad.” She lowered her hand and continued shoving things into her suitcase, refusing to look at me again while muttering under her breath. “Apparently, some random stranger you met at a bar is good enough for you to fuck, but I’m unworthy.”