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My body grows hot and my stomach rolls as shame hits me.
“She’s your first spinner, isn’t she?”
A growl rumbles out of my throat. “Don’t call her that.”
It’s not that I have an issue with the term, but I don’t like the idea of Ryker imagining what my girl would look like on my dick. I don’t want him imagining her at all.
Damnit, why am I turning into such a possessive beast about her?
“I think we both know it’s not that you reddened her wrists, that has you this rocked. It’s the size of her wrists. The size of her compared to you.”
I shouldn’t have come to him. Being called out is not what I need right now.
“Putting your body image issues aside for a moment,” Ryker says with a stricter, colder tone. “If she initiated it the second time, after you floundered her aftercare, then take that as a win. She gave you a second chance.”
“And I fucked it up by going too hard!”
“Or did you give her exactly what she wanted? She has a safe word, correct?” He doesn’t wait for me to answer. “Did she use it when you held her wrists?”
“No.”
“No.” Like that’s that. End of story. Case closed.
Running a hand down my face, I squeeze my eyes shut. “I’m growing attached.” There. I said it. “It’s stupid, I know. And it’s too fast. But I think I’m feeling… feelings.”
“Think or know?”
“I—”
“Don’t let what happened between you and Lauren fuck this up, Carson. You wasted a lot of time over that woman. She doesn’t get to impact your present or your future.”
“My biggest rule is to not get attached.”
“Some rules are meant to get broken.” Ryker huffs in my ear. “Christ, man, you can’t keep yourself frozen forever. If your sub is—”
“Mak. Her name is Mak.” I can’t handle him thinking she’s just a submissive when I’m now realizing she might be more than that to me.
“Mak. I like it.”
I wish I hadn’t told him now. He says her name in too nice of a way. I don’t even want her name is his mouth.
Holy hell, I’m a clusterfuck.
“Look,” Ryker says. “Mak’s giving you what you need, and you’re giving her what she needs, and that’s exactly what this life is for. If you find yourself getting comfortable, even out of scenes with her, that’s not a bad thing. You’re still working on yourself, right?”
“Always.”
“Can she touch you without a problem?”
I hate that he even had to ask. “Yes. And she can’t seem to keep her hands off me. As long as I don’t look, I’m good with it.”
“That’s a step in the right direction, Carson.”
I know. “But this feels like too much, too soon. We’re nowhere near a point where I should be feeling like this. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I fucking miss her when she’s not with me.”
Ryker sighs like this is worse than he thought. Or maybe he’s thinking I’m being a tool and doesn’t know how to hang up with me. “How do your expectations for the future line up?”
“I have no clue, other than we both don’t want to be married or have kids.”