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“You’re worried this is a repeat of Lauren, aren’t you?”
Fuck right I am. “I don’t think I can go through an ugly breakup like that again, Ryker.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I can still see Lauren crying, her mascara running in black streaks down her cheeks as she takes kitchen shears and cuts off the collar I’d commissioned to symbolize our commitment.
I wore the key around my neck, and she had the lock on hers. I was crazy in love with that woman. Blinded by it enough to never see the red flags or that she was unhappy with me. I believed I finally had a win in my lonely life and spent every waking moment making sure she was happy and cared for. I lost who I was so that I could be the man she needed.
But Lauren wanted more than I could give her. In the beginning, when I was up front about what I wanted and didn’t want in my life, she’d said she felt the same way as me.
But the bliss didn’t last.
Eventually, Lauren wanted commitments I didn’t want to make, and babies I couldn’t give her. She screamed at me for being selfish and said if I loved her like I said I did, that I’d get a reverse vasectomy for her. I tossed back that I didn’t want kids and couldn’t understand why she’d changed her mind so suddenly.
She said she’d lied to me since the beginning. Lauren admitted that she assumed if we were together long enough, I’d eventually change my mind and give her everything she was missing in her life.
Her confession was a battering ram to my gut, my pride, and my heart smashed to a pulp because of it. When I dropped to my knees and begged her to stay with me, she threw the destroyed collar in my face and looked me dead ass in the eyes and said, “You’re not enough for me.”
The possibility of Mak doing the same to me makes my blood turn icy. I refuse to put myself back in the line of fire like that, which is why I have the no falling in love rule in the first place.
But who am I kidding? This isn’t love. “It’s probably just infatuation.” I attempt to laugh it off like this is no big deal. “I’m being a dramatic idiot.”
Ryker doesn’t respond, which makes me believe he agrees.
“I’m sorry I called you with this, man. I didn’t mean to waste your time.”
“You never waste my time, Carson. But…” There’s more shuffling and I hear cars honking in the background. “I stand by what I said earlier. Some rules are made to be broken. Let yourself have the possibility that this time can be different. You’re bound to meet your match at some point. Maybe this woman is it.”
I’m scared he’s right.
I’m scared he’s wrong.
“I wasn’t looking for more than a play partner.”
Ryker chuckles. “Yeah, well, sometimes we find more than we’re looking for. Good luck.”
He hangs up on me.
Chapter 20
Mak
Other than some playful texts, I haven’t really talked to Carson in over two weeks. It sucks, but my shifts at work have been all over the place since three of our staff left. I was assured replacements are coming, which I’m grateful for, but until then, I’ve been working myself into the ground.
It makes me crave Carson in a way I wasn’t expecting. He gives me something I haven’t had before, and I don’t even know if there’s a name for it.
He’s like a hike—beautiful, hard, challenging, exhilarating, and relaxing all at once. My body aches after we’re done fucking, but my mind is peacefully blissed out and not even an atomic bomb could wipe the smile from my face afterwards.
Good God, I’ve really been dickmatized.
Except it’s not just his cock, and tongue, and hands… it’s the way he cares for me before, during, and afterwards. It’s the way he holds me close, and his body temp seeps into mine. The way he drizzles chocolate in my tea. How he rubs my legs when we talk on the couch. We’re keeping each other at arm’s length in some ways and devouring each other when we let our guards down.
That’s not normal, is it?
Shit, I don’t have a clue. I’m honestly really confused. I can’t stop thinking about him. The moment I left his house, I missed him. That’s fucking crazy. This isn’t love, or perfection—it’s only the “honeymoon” phase where we’re still new and excited to explore each other—and we’re being on our best behavior.
That night with the video games and book was such a red flag. We fucked like animals outside then came in and turned into an old couple doing our individual hobbies.
That’s level 5 on the relationship scale.