Page 38 of Save Us
Wow, I thought a guy would have needs after all this time.
Jesus, I may as well go and get one of the kitchen knives from downstairs. I seem determined to torture myself this evening.
I never said I was celibate. I would be if I could, but I guess I’m human.
For Christ’s sake, Beth, I told you! What the hell did you expect?!
And the women you aren’t celibate with? They’re ok with this?
Mayday! Mayday!
They know what it is. Honestly, I need it for more than one reason. It’s a little embarrassing though.
Well, I tell myself, it’s too damn late to stop this now. I may as well go the whole way and destroy myself in the process. With that in mind, I continue to tap away.
Trust me, I have to sleep with my husband, remember?
Oliver is still very attractive but he’s also insane. I try not to remember the questionable things he has forced me to do in the past. If there was a pill that could magically erase those images, I would take it without question.
For some reason, whenever I’m intimate with a woman, she becomes Beth. It’s like she’s really there with me. It’s kind of the only way I can…
Oh, God! What do I say to something like that? How do I feel about something like that, and why the hell is he sharing this with Angela Lawrence?
That’s quite a personal thing to share with a stranger.
After I send that last message, it takes a while for him to reply, and I begin to think that maybe he’s snapped out of whatever fog he was under and has finally done what I can’t - ended this charade before it gets any more dangerous.
I guess it’s sometimes easier to open up to a faceless stranger. After all, no one has been allowed to see you, Angela Lawrence.
I smile a little as I type away, curious as to how he will respond to my next question.
What do you think I look like when you think of me?
I immediately begin chewing on my thumbnail again while I wait for his response, but a late-night knock on my door shocks me from my focus on the screen. Once my brain has caught up with the inherent danger I am in if I am caught with an outside phone, I promptly shove it underneath my pillow in a panic. I then pull the sheets all the way up to my chin before I call out for whoever it is to come in. I feel like a teenager again, being caught out by her parents for staying up too late on her phone. Though, my parents would never have hurt me if I had been caught. I can’t say the same for the man who is about to walk through my door.
Carl’s face fills my vision before me as he walks in with a smirk on his face, one that makes me want to slap it right off again. I must keep my disgust for him well hidden because he simply rubs his hands together before walking over to perch on the side of my bed. I swallow back my anger, and instead, give him my best fake smile, trying desperately hard not to picture what he did to my grandmother.
“I thought I saw your light still on, Beth,” he says softly as he pats my hand with grandfatherly affection. “I thought I’d pop in to warn you that my guests will be arriving tomorrow. You may recognize a few of them from your wedding. Felicity and Chad Marsdon?”
I nod but can’t conceal the sneer that falls over my face at the mention of their names. I have no idea why they were even invited to our wedding. I guess, like all things to do with Mayfield, it was for appearance’s sake. Thankfully, Carl simply laughs over my obvious abhorrence for them.
“They are a little much at times, but they are well respected in Mayfield circles. Sometimes, my dear, you just have to grin and bear it.”
“I’ll be fine, grandfather,” I reply obediently, but with a bitter taste in my mouth.
“Good,” he says as he gets up to leave again, “and of course, Oliver will be arriving on Sunday. I know he’s desperate to see you again.”
All I can manage to do in response to that terrifying prospect, is smile and nod. It comes with an urge to throw up right here on my bed, but again, I manage to keep my true feelings well hidden. Thankfully, he leaves soon after. Once I hear that he’s gone a few steps down the hall, I greedily grab for the phone hiding beneath my pillow, desperate to see Xander’s reply.
Like her, like my Beth.
I hold my breath as I open up a second message from him.
I’m sorry, Angela, ignore me. Goodnight and good luck.
I inhale deeply, completely lost for words, and before I know it, tears are once again gushing from my eyes and over my cheeks. It’s enough for me to decide to stop this before it further destroys my sanity.
As soon as my eyes clear after waking, I notice an outfit hanging up in front of me, something I’ve never seen before. When I turn to look at the bedside clock, I notice it’s already eleven o’clock, a time I never sleep in till, especially when I’m with Oliver. He expects me to be up and eating breakfast with him, all before seven. It disorientates me to be waking so late, but then it all comes flooding back to me. The texting with Xander until the early hours of the morning, followed by tossing and turning in bed with a giant headache.