Page 58 of Save Us
“Would you like to see her room?” I ask.
Initially, she looks up at me with shock, but soon nods her head with so much enthusiasm, it almost hurts to see. She’s so obviously desperate for any little detail of her own daughter’s life.
I take her hand, silently noting how she has become a little awkward around me, then lead her up the stairway and into Rosie’s bedroom. The action stirs up happy memories of leading her up to her room in her old house, back when we were younger and falling in love for the first time. My feelings haven’t changed one little bit for her, but fear and doubt have me wondering if she is still in that same place with me.
Once inside Rosie’s room, I ignore my anxiety and watch her smile more and more widely as she walks around, as if taking in every aspect. She picks up the odd teddy, a t-shirt, even a pair of clean socks to hold up to her face so she can take a long inhale with her eyes closed, as if committing it to memory. She then looks at the wall of whales with an audible gasp. She emits a soft, nervous laugh as she begins studying each piece. The look of awe and wonder on her face would have you believe she was studying works of art at a professional gallery, even touching them with indulging strokes of her fingertips. They soon lead her to the photograph of us on the wall opposite to her bed, which she stares at for longer than any of the other personal details she’s looked at before now. I move closer toward her and reach for her hand again, only to have her finally fall against me and cry so sadly, I almost join in with her. Instead, however, I inhale deeply and hold her to my chest and wrap her shuddering body inside of my arms.
“She will know who I am,” she finally explains, “I don’t know how we can do this without freaking her the hell out. Perhaps…perhaps I shouldn’t meet her, perhaps it would be easier-”
“No way, Beth,” I cut her off before she can even finish her absurd idea, “you aren’t going anywhere. I’ve been without you for five years and I’m not letting you go anywhere without me or Rosie ever again. She’s brave, she’s smart, and she’s so damn compassionate, Beth, just like you.”
“I don’t know who I am anymore, Xander,” she whimpers, “I’ve forgotten how to be me.”
“I’ll remind you, baby,” I say to her, and feel a little relieved when she smiles against my chest. “Come on, we have all night to figure it out. Rosie will stay at my parents tonight,” I explain, then pause to look at her flushed face, which is still covered in tears “I hope you don’t mind; you must be desperate to meet her!”
“No, you’re right. Besides,” she says, looking up at me with those big, doe eyes that have me melting into her all over again, “you’re the parent here, Xander, you know her so much more than I do.”
“That will change,” I reassure her. “Come on, I’ll show you to your room. You live here now; I hope you got that?” Before she can answer, I clasp hold of her hand to lead the way.
A last-minute decision has me bypassing the guest room and straight toward mine, which may be a presumptuous move on my part, but I’m not going to be without her because I was too scared to give her the option. I never want to be scared of telling her how I feel or showing it ever again. If she wants to be with me, I’m going to grab onto her with both hands.
Once inside my room, which to my embarrassment, still has clothes thrown around from when I was freaking out earlier, I look at her with searching eyes, wondering how she’s going to react. Just like when she was in Rosie’s room, she begins walking around, clutching at the fabrics of my discarded clothes, and staring at all the bits and pieces decorating it, including an armchair Rein had made using recycled timber and unwanted fabric from an old ship going to scrap. As soon as she reaches one of the large windows, she stops dead still and stares straight across to the ocean before wrapping her arms around her waist. I knew Beth would love this house, purely because of where it lies less than a stone’s throw away from the beach. It’s her favorite place in the whole world.
I walk over to her and thread my hands through her arms, pulling her hips against mine just as she leans her head back to rest on my chest with a soft sigh. I can’t help myself, I just want to touch her all the time, to make sure she’s real. To make sure she’s mine.
“You can have your own room if you like,” I whisper nervously into her ear, hoping she turns down the offer and wants to be with me just as much as I need to be near her. “I just want to be close to you all the time. I never want to let you out of my sight again.”
“Me neither,” she whispers before turning around to cup my face with her hands.
“We can take things slow, Beth, whatever you want,” I begin, only pausing to swallow back some of my anxiety. “Everything is up to you. If you want to do nothing but hug for the next year, I’ll still be over the moon because it’s you. Here, now, and in the flesh. I never thought this would ever happen again.”
She giggles over my rambling thoughts, and I feel myself blushing. She rewards me with a kiss, one that turns much deeper than I was expecting, but still has me turning greedy for more. I clutch her tightly and pull her in so close, she must be able to feel my arousal below, something I wouldn’t have any control over even if I tried. When we pull back a little for air, my hands are still on her back, on her face, on her lips, while both of us are panting in anticipation for something more to happen.
“I don’t want to take it slow with you, Xander,” she whispers, “I never have!”
I don’t need any more encouragement to pick her up in my arms and take her back to the bed, where I lay her down gently and begin kissing her body, trying to cover every inch of her skin. She reaches for my hair and threads her fingers to my scalp, where she pulls and massages, her body coming alive for me as we reacquaint ourselves with one another more intimately. We fumble with each other’s clothing, trying to get any barriers away from one another as quickly as possible, so much so, we end up making a mess of it and laughing. God…her laugh! I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it until I heard it again after all these years of being without her.
“Don’t hold back with me, Xander; you could never hurt me!” she whispers when I approach her breasts. We then stare at one another, her with truth in her eyes, me accepting that truth before I take her into my mouth and begin kissing and sucking. I start massaging the other with my hand just as she reaches down to take me inside of hers.
“You better not leave me when this is over, Beth,” I say to her with a smile on my face that has her laughing. Her mouth has me moving back up to kiss it again while I rub myself through her wetness below, making us both moan with a sudden need to be so much closer than we are.
“It’s time, Xander,” she whispers against my mouth, “time to make me yours again!”
I go to reach for a condom when she stops me, shaking her head and making me furrow my brow in question.
“How do you think I stopped Oliver from getting me pregnant for all these years, Xander?” she whispers with her big eyes staring up at me.
We begin kissing one another again, just before I slide inside of her warmth, her softness, her everything. The action causes her to gasp with a delicious sound, and I can’t help but look at her face to see that her eyes are closed, her lips parted, and her cheeks are undeniably flushed.
“You are so beautiful, Beth, so everything to me!”
“Mmm,” she moans, and I smile mischievously as I thrust deeply and slowly against her, never wanting this to end for either of us. However, I know that after all of this time without her, I’m not going to last long.
“Xander?”
“Yeah?” I reply breathily, feeling so emotional right now, I’m trying to fight it in case I collapse into a pathetic heap before we’ve even gotten anywhere.
“It’s ok,” she says and looks at me so intensely, I could release here and now if I weren’t trying to fight it so hard. “We have forever now.”