Page 57 of Save Us
Beth
Disorientation hits me first when I wake up inside of Annie and Bodhi’s house, right before I get a sudden influx of memories that hit me with full force. After which, I find myself shooting upwards, breathing in heavily while trying to keep the nausea at bay. It all comes back in technicolor images; first seeing Kai, my warm and loving friend, shooting Oliver in the stomach at close range; being back in that colorless interview room staring at two police officers who were eyeing me up with suspicion; then Jonah Fox telling me to go to Xander. But the worst memory, without a doubt, is of the boy I gave my heart and freedom to, running far away from me.
Surprisingly, when I eye an old cuckoo clock that I’ve never known to shoot out, I realize I’ve only been asleep for about an hour. My eyes roam the rest of their living room as I blow out a puff of air, noticing the little details of Annie’s hippy but extremely tidy style. Its quaintness is a stark contrast to the stifling interior of Oliver’s New York house, and I take a moment to indulge in its comforting feel.
“Oh my gosh, Beth!” Annie beams at me with a soft glow on her cheeks. She puts a pile of freshly washed towels down in a heap and walks over to me. She sits next to my awkward frame and looks at me for a while before she brushes back one of my damp strands of hair and whispers, “I can’t get used to seeing you.”
“I know how you feel,” I reply, just as quietly, because it’s been so long since I’ve seen her, it feels like an entire lifetime ago.
Thankfully, she seems to be a lot more comfortable with my presence and begins rubbing her hand over my back before gasping over the feel of my scarred skin. I cough loudly to cover her discomfort, then begin rushing out words to try and fill the stifling silence between us.
“I have to keep racking my brain to try and remember everything that’s happened.”
“You ready to talk yet?” she asks with a genuine look of concern, but I shake my head and look to the floor. I can’t face any of it without having first sorted things out with Xander.
“Actually, I might go for a walk to collect some shells,” I tell her, still staring at my feet. It’s easier not to look people in the eye when you think you might have upset them. “I need to clear my head and the thought of doing something normal sounds like just the thing. I’m sorry, Annie, but do you mind?”
When I finally brave it to look back up at her, she looks a little emotional, but immediately tries to shake it off with a smile before cupping hold of my cheek.
“You do whatever you want, Beth,” she says with a deadly serious tone of voice, one meant to both soothe and reassure. “I have a feeling you haven’t been able to do that for a long time. Please don’t ever feel like you need to explain yourself to me.”
Before I can say anything, she leans over and kisses me on the cheek, then stands to pull me up to my feet. After one big intake of breath to steady my nerves, Annie leads me to the door and gestures out toward the water. I stare at it for a moment or two, letting it call me back to its calming embrace before I kiss her back and begin my slow amble toward the surf. The fabric of my dress flows around my ankles, and I feel it every time it brushes against my skin. The more I wade into the water, the more I can hear the frolicking splashes slapping at my calves. I inhale the smell of salty air, which reminds me of so many childhood memories, and cannot help but smile up at the sun’s warmth.
I venture further in, wincing a little when I notice how much whiter I look against the turquoise ocean around me. It doesn’t worry me, it’s just a happy-go-lucky observation that takes my mind away from all the unsettled thoughts inside of my head. As the water laps around the skin at my knees, I spread out my fingers and start to make figures of eight on the surface. I begin to smile when I feel bubbles swirling through them. If I still my hands and stay in a statue-like state, I can just about see the sandy floor where I notice a few silvery fish swimming around. It’s so beautiful, it makes me release fresh tears, though with a soft laugh, not a whimper. They’re tears that seem to let all the good things begin to sink in, to realize that today I was set free, and my life was saved. Eventually, I lift my face back up toward the sky and let the afternoon sun drench my face, soon relaxing all of my muscles as I breathe easily for the first time in years.
I am so lost to my dream-like state, that the sudden warm feeling of two large hands sliding around my waist and down toward my hips, have me jumping in complete shock. The sensory overload of hearing his breath so close to my ear, the smell of his aftershave and the weight of his head falling against the back of mine, has me gasping for air before descending into small, uncontrollable, but relieved sobs.
“Are you real?” he whispers with a voice I never thought I’d hear again. “Because if you’re not, if you vanish when I’m brave enough to open my eyes again, I don’t think I’ll survive it.”
His voice breaks over those last few words and my body shudders as I let the enormity of my emotions take over me.
“I’m as real as you are, Xander,” I whimper, “as real as my love for you. I’m so sorry, Xander!”
It seems like no time at all before he spins me round to finally face him, to look at one another for what feels like much longer than it possibly can be. His hands wrap me in closer against his body as though he’s afraid to let go in case I disappear. Not that I can blame him for I do the same, lacing my fingers through his hair and indulging in its silky feel. All the while, we’re both letting silent tears fall, but neither of us is able to move to wipe them away.
“Usually I wake up now,” I cry, and he laughs, the sound of which is beautiful.
“Me too,” he says with a wide smile before turning serious again, “it’s me who is sorry, Beth. God, it feels amazing to finally say your name to you again. I was just so afraid that I was…that you weren’t… that…”
“I know,” I whisper as I finally move my hand to his lips. He takes hold of my fingers and kisses the inside of my palm so softly, it almost hurts. “Kiss me…please?”
“You never have to ask me that again,” he says so urgently, he literally jumps into me and begins pressing his lips against mine. He moves softly at first, but soon lifts me up to deepens his kiss until I become totally lost to it.
“I love you so much, Beth.”
“I love you more!” I reply before returning my lips onto his.
Chapter 23
Xander
On the way home, I can’t stop myself from frequently glancing over at the girl in the seat next to mine. Partly because she is still the most beautiful girl who I’ve ever laid eyes upon, but mainly because I can’t believe she’s actually here. I keep waiting for her to vanish and for me to wake up in a cold sweat inside of my bed. Beth remains silent but with a lazy kind of smile all over her face as she looks around at the passing scenery, seeming to be taking it all in like it’s the first time she’s ever seen the town she lived in for over a year. Her happiness is the only thing that is keeping me calm right now; that and the thought of being able to take her home with me.
Before we had left the beach, Beth had gone back to say goodbye to Annie and Bodhi. Meanwhile, I had called Casey to ask if she could pick up Rosie and take her back to Mom and Dad’s for the night. It was a snap decision, though one I stand by. I think Beth will agree we need to tread carefully with this one. It’s going to be a huge shock for both Rosie and the girl sitting next to me here. It’s been five, long years, and I need to know what she’s been through. All of it.
The front door seems so much bigger than it normally is when Beth stands before it, looking on with nerves because she’s never been here before. It’s a whole life her daughter and I have been living without her. It seems to suddenly hit her that when she died, life carried on. The thought of that must be huge to swallow. I walk beside her, clasp hold of her hand, and smile softly, silently trying to tell her that she’s a part of this now; that she isn’t intruding in someone else’s home; that it is now just as much hers as it is mine.
Once she steps inside the echoey darkness of the marble hallway, she tries to make her movements small by huddling her body and trying to be as quiet as possible. She begins to look around with a small smile on her face, taking in all the details I take for granted. She spots the photographs of Rosie when she was a baby, her kindergarten picture, and a family portrait with my folks and Casey. It’s this one that finally forces her tears to fall, being that she is noticeably absent. She then shakes it off and picks up another picture of Rosie, this time with her family. She studies it with a nervous giggle, then traces her finger around the little girl who looks just like her.