Page 36 of The Love Penalty

And that terrifies me.

That he could have such a hold on my physical senses.

That he could be weaving his way into my soul so easily.

“It ignites me.”

He said those words, and they made something in my chest simultaneously melt and spasm.

How can he undo me so easily?

I’ve been wound up tight, trying to protect myself against my own weakness. I can’t go falling back into a trap of letting some guy control me again. I won’t lose my power to a man. I won’t ever put myself in a position where I just have to take it.

But Asher wouldn’t do that to you, would he?

He’s not some stranger at a party.

You’re getting to know him.

You’re getting to like him.

The air in my lungs goes cold and wispy.

Wiping the steam off the bathroom mirror, I stare at my misty reflection. My skin is still tingling from my piping-hot shower, and the bun on the top of my head has droplets of water clinging to it.

I let it out, and the thick black locks cascade down my bare back.

Is this me now?

Is this my new life?

Where the only person who will ever see me naked again is… me?

If I can’t let a guy touch me, then this is what I’m sentencing myself to. I’ll be celibate. Forever.

My throat clogs, my lips trembling as I let that thought ride through me.

I’ve been so busy guarding myself against anyone learning the truth that I haven’t taken the time to think through the consequences.

But there they are.

I’ve met someone I want to be with. Someone who I desperately want to despise but can’t.

Someone who sets my body on fire and my heart alight.

Yet I’m denying myself because of some nameless asshole who took what I wasn’t willing to give. Who made me feel totally powerless.

And now I’m the one convicting myself to a life sentence of no sex and no intimacy.

“Is that really what you want?” I ask my reflection.

The NO resounds through my body. From the edges of my brain to the center of my chest to the tips of my toes.

I’m only twenty years old, and I won’t become some nun or hermit cat lady.

I can’t let that asshole do this to me.

Tears fill my eyes, a few splashing free as I keep talking to myself in the mirror. “So, what do you have to do, then?” My eyes dip to the sink as I mumble my answer. “I have to put myself back out there. I have to get over this.”