Page 98 of The Love Penalty

CHAPTER 44

LEILANI

It’s stating the obvious to say that I’m miserable.

Everyone can see it, and no one seems to be doing anything to change that fact. Even my therapist just had to sit there while I numbly stared at the wall for an hour. She was really good about my inability to talk. I mean, I gave her the very brief rundown, firing out my explanation as fast as I could, and then my energy was zapped.

All I could do was sit.

And she sat with me in silence… and it was honestly all I could manage.

Lack of sleep isn’t helping.

Nights are long and painful as I toss and turn, questioning myself over if I made the right decision and driving myself crazy over my reaction to Harvey. Why did I think he was the one? Why did I have such a physical recoil when I met him? He sent me into a spiral, and he might not even be the one who raped me.

I still can’t make my brain 100 percent believe he didn’t.

But then the thought of Asher’s cousin raping me makes me want to curl into a ball. I’ve lost the man I love either way, but I really don’t want that for him. He’d be so cut up if he knew someone he loves had done something so abhorrent.

Asher.

My nose starts to tingle, my eyes burning as I stare at my laptop and try not to think about him.

I miss him so much.

Not seeing him is the main reason for my misery. I just don’t want to admit it to anyone, because I never wanted to be that girl who needed a guy. I want to be independent and strong on my own, but…

He’s left a gaping hole in my life.

I mean, I can survive without the guy, so maybe I don’t need him. Maybe I just want him because surviving isn’t the same as living.

We weren’t together for that long, but even in that short time, I fell hard. Because he gets me. He’s sweet and caring, and he put a flower on my breakfast tray. The way his face lights up when we discover yet another thing we have in common. The way I can nerd out with him over Harry Potter and trivia… and classical music.

It’s like we were destined for each other, which is a romantic notion that I can’t buy into, because if we were meant to be, then this thing with Harvey wouldn’t be happening. I have to take it as a sign and just accept the fact that Asher will never be mine.

But that thought is a killer. My chest aches, my stomach writhes, my brain burns for him.

I miss him.

I want him back.

But it’s too complicated. Too difficult. Too?—

My thoughts cut off, my body going still when I glance up and spot him walking through the library toward me.

How did he know where I was?

Why is he here?

Why… does he look so cut up?

My heart cracks wide open when he stops by my table, his expression wretched as he drinks me in and looks on the verge of tears.

I sit forward, worry coursing through me. Pushing my laptop aside, I give him my full attention. “Are you okay?” I manage to whisper, my resolve to not see or talk to him again completely disintegrating.

I thought going cold turkey would make it easier, but screw that. He needs me. I can sense it.

The chair beside me scrapes against the wooden floor as he pulls it out and plunks into it.