Page 122 of House of Lies

I stand there, frozen, for a long moment, taking in his appearance. His dressing room is half-filled with black suits and shirts. He looks at me the same way he always has, with a flicker of obsession and desire, but this time, there’s something else present—something akin to resignation. I can’t spend another minute here without bursting into tears.

“I’m tired.” I stand up, excusing myself. “Good night, Kaz.”

He will come to bed eventually. He might even touch me, hold me, or kiss me. It feels like I’m dying.

“Good night, Caelia,” he responds.

I can’t hold back the tears, not even for a second. They spill when I turn away, and I have no one to blame but myself. This hell I’m trapped in is of my own making.

CHAPTER 78

Caelia

“Time’s up, zhizn moya,” Kaz says, rising from behind his desk and turning toward the painting on the wall. He slides it aside, revealing a hidden safe I did not know about. Panic engulfs me as the room spins around me for a few seconds, and Kaz turns back around, placing stacks of cash on the desk behind us. My breathing becomes labored, and I undo the first button of my shirt. I can’t comprehend what’s happening. On top of the money lies a black card, a passport, and other documents.

“What’s all this?” I manage to ask, my voice trembling.

“This is the end of our deal,” he responds, placing his hands on the desk and leaning forward. His voice is filled with tension, but his face reveals nothing. “One hundred thousand dollars in cash and the rest on card. I figured you wouldn’t want to carry that much cash with you. It also includes a new identity,” he pauses, “and divorce papers.”

I stare at him, my lips quivering. He wears a black shirt with rolled-up sleeves and a loose tie. His eyes appear to be tormented, unlike anything I’ve seen before. This decision has been prolonged for too long, and now I must choose a path I am unprepared for. Memories of the past few months flood my mind. Kaz has never treated our marriage as a mere arrangement to ensure my survival. He has given me everything I could have ever asked for and more. He has cared for, trained, and made me his partner. He stood by my side when his family opposed me and his business partners dismissed me. He held in his palms all my broken little pieces and held me in his arms through my darkest nights.

He has made me his. In return, I have given him something I swore I would never give again after everything I’ve been through. He owns my heart.

“Is this it?” I manage to utter with a lump in my throat, my voice shaking.

“What else is there?” he asks.

A part of me begs me to stand my ground and speak up, but fear grips me. I love him so much that it fucking hurts, but am I ready to sacrifice my freedom for this? For a life together? I’m not a stranger to the life he lives. I have witnessed my father returning home early in the morning with lipstick stains on his shirt, buttons torn, and wearing the same clothes as the day before. I have seen my mother pretending not to notice, lowering her head, obeying his commands, and pretending he is a faithful husband. I have watched them live different lives, two strangers sharing the same house.

I never thought about it when I was trapped by Mattia’s side. I was hoping he was fucking someone else so that he would leave me alone. But I love the man standing before me. Seeing him turn to someone else in the future would shatter me because I am no longer enough. The day he realizes I am too damaged, too insecure, too much work. And it won’t be the kind of break I can mend alone. I am not my mother. I cannot lower my gaze and obediently nod when he demands breakfast. I cannot spend the rest of my life with my back turned to him, crying myself to sleep. My thoughts are spiraling out of control. I must prioritize myself and explore what life could be like on my own. I need to experience true freedom, where I answer to no one.

He once told me that there is no safer place in the world for me than by his side, but it is also the most dangerous place for me to be. It can be both. It is not as simple as wanting him or not.

You’ll always have me.

You’ll call, and I’ll come to you.

“You have made up your mind, haven’t you, zhizn moya?” He must keep calling me his life to see me break down before him. I nod, too afraid to speak. “Then this is it. My jet is ready for you to take you wherever you decide to go,” he says, swallowing hard and clenching and unclenching his fists.

This can’t be it. It just can’t. Only I can prevent things from unfolding this way, but I struggle to find my words. I don’t know how to express what he means to me. There is no rational way to explain that I am leaving him to avoid heartbreak and sorrow in the years to come. I love him, but I cannot risk turning our marriage into a toxic abyss like all the others I witnessed growing up. It may be the most foolish decision, but I must break free.

“I have one final request,” he states, sitting in his chair.

“Anything,” I whisper.

“Come here.” I rise from my seat, my legs wobbly, as I circle the desk and stand before him. Our knees collide, sending shivers through my body. “Sit.” It is a terrible idea, but I cannot resist straddling him. My skirt lifts with the movement. “You will let me fuck you one last time,” he declares, and I cannot stop him even if I want to. And I don’t want to. “You will let me bury myself so deep inside you that you will never be able to wash away the memory of me. Do you understand, Caelia?” I nod, though all I want to do is cry. All I can think about is that this cannot be the end. He places his hands on the sides of my thighs, his fingertips digging into my skin. “Say it.”

“I understand,” I manage weakly.

I don’t understand anything. Why can’t I express my feelings for him and be done with it? Why can I only think about how I should have never taken that leap of faith that brought me to this point? He moves one hand to my neck, pulling me closer.

“Good girl,” he whispers against my lips.

I lick my lips, waiting for my heart to stop breaking. There is no one to blame but myself. Kaz kisses my jaw, his other hand sliding up my thigh.

“Give me all your poisonous lies, solnyshko.”

“We don’t lie to each other,” I remind him.