Page 50 of House of Lies
I need to meet with Ermanno and call Dmitri to see if he has discovered anything. I don’t want her back at Mattia’s house in case it wasn’t an isolated attack and someone begins targeting the Benedetti family members one by one.
“Look at me when I talk to you, Caelia.”
She tilts her head, gazing upward. She hasn’t stopped crying, but she does it in silence. I have never seen her eyes look so haunted. So empty. Her eyelids flutter like she’s trying to prevent herself from blinking, fearing what will follow if she allows herself to close her eyes, even for a second.
“Whatever you need, ask Domenico. You will no longer have access to anything. Are we clear?”
She nods, submissive. The fire within her has been extinguished. This isn’t part of her lesson. I’m confining her because I’m afraid she will find a way to leave me when I’m not watching. She will slip past Domenico and vanish.
What the hell have I done?
It was real. This connection between us was real. I wouldn’t feel this twisting inside me otherwise. Maybe it wasn’t real for her, but it was for me. And I fucked everything up. A relationship that took us months to build. I went and fucked it up in a matter of minutes.
CHAPTER 30
Caelia
Domenico kindly bought me a calendar to help me keep track of time. It has been twenty-seven days since I last saw my husband. He has done this before, plunging me into this dark abyss of terror and nightmares. This time feels different. A violent wave crashed down on me, and I felt like I was drowning. I should be stronger than this, or at least I thought I was. It has been a while since I could find any trace of strength within me.
Has he finally managed to break me?
I didn’t leave the bedroom until Domenico dragged me out of bed. I’m sure his duties don’t include making sure I shower and eat, but he needs to keep me alive, so he must be following Mattia’s instructions. Domenico is not my friend; he is merely an employee. Yet he is also the only person I have interacted with in almost a month. He comes and goes, but he never stays away for too long. Domenico doesn’t do the shopping; groceries are delivered. Some clothes were bought for me. I have no contact with the outside world. Does Cosima think I’m dead? We were supposed to meet after the ball, but I never called her. I have no phone, and Mattia made it clear before he left that we’re back to square one.
My only consolation is that he doesn’t keep me locked away in a basement somewhere. I’m still in a cage, but I’m not cold or hungry.
I’m allowed to cook, watch TV, and read. Mattia continues to provide for me more than he did before. If I want something, I have to ask Domenico, and he will bring it for me. I suppose Mattia agrees with me that I need to stay on the pill in case he returns to assault me. Neither of us wants a child.
It was such a stupid fight. This is everything I can think of. If only I hadn’t asked what was wrong. If only I hadn’t gotten angry. I was so close to freedom. All I had to do was pretend a little longer, and I could have escaped by now.
“What are you doing?” Domenico asks as he enters the kitchen.
I’ve been staring at the knife blade for a while now. I don’t even know why. I told Mattia I was not suicidal, and I meant it. I’m willing to die for my freedom. If I ever manage to escape, I am aware that I will be hunted down and killed if I am found. That’s something I’m willing to die for. But I don’t want to take my own life.
“Just wondering if I should end my life,” I reply bitterly.
It takes him a second to knock the knife out of my hand.
“Don’t be stupid,” he growls.
“Someone’s on edge today. I was kidding, Dom. I’m just trying to make dinner.”
He frowns, his dark eyes analyzing me from head to toe, trying to read my mind. He doesn’t trust me. He shouldn’t. I still haven’t decided if I have it in me to kill him if the opportunity to run away ever arises and he stands in my way.
“Maybe you shouldn’t be allowed around knives anymore.”
“Why? Are you afraid I’m going to hurt you?”
“Either that or you’re going to hurt yourself, and Mattia is going to have my head.”
It’s the first time he has mentioned my husband. He has been a sore subject that I have avoided for as long as possible.
“Mattia?” I laugh. “He doesn’t care if I live or die, Dom. He’ll most likely end up killing me himself one day.”
I shouldn’t tell him this, but what else do I have to lose? What else can Mattia take from me that he hasn’t already taken? My life? That’s the only thing I have left. I refuse to blame myself for what happened. Like so many times before, I begged him to stop, but he didn’t. Because although he may have worn a different mask for a while, deep down, nothing has changed. He is not the hero of my story. I need to be my own hero. I have to save myself from this life.
“You’d be surprised,” Domenico mumbles.
I continue to chop the vegetables. I refuse to wither and perish under Mattia’s watch. I am determined to gain a few pounds by the time he returns. He may be my villain, but I won’t be his whore. He can treat me like one. He can take everything from me. But I won’t give him what he wants. I won’t end my life just because he can’t bring himself to do it. Not yet.