Page 97 of The Lucky One
“Because...” I pulled in a breath and lifted my head to look at him. “Being straight with you would’ve destroyed this perfect picture. I wanted nothing more than to be perfect for you, to have this movie-style love story, move to America, tell our children about it one day. I knew we could have something not many people get to have in their entire lifetime.”
“I would’ve gone to Germany with you,” Paul interrupted. “And not only for the summer.”
I frowned. “It wouldn’t have been fair though.”
“Why not?” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight.
“You would’ve done all that for me, but what would I have done for you?” I looked at him for a moment. His eyebrows bunched, creasing his forehead. “Jon didn’t expect me to write a perfect story. I felt like I could make mistakes, and lose myself to find out who I truly was. I can’t explain it, but he does something to my heart that you didn’t.”
I had said it. I didn’t look away so he’d know I was telling the truth.
“And I did nothing to your heart? All those months?”
My heart stung from the pained look in his eyes. “You did... You still do,” I admitted. If I didn’t speak the truth now, we would keep going in circles. “You were my first love, Paul. Nothing is ever going to change that. And I still love you. That’s why I can’t stay away whenever you touch me. I miss you, even though you’re sitting right in front of me... But with Jon, I don’t only miss him, I feel like I can’t breathe without him.”
Paul was back on his feet, pacing through the backyard. I darted after him and pulled at his arm so he would look at me. He turned around, his eyes brimming with tears—and so were mine.
“I feel like such an idiot,” he said.
“You’re anything but. You’re brave, you’re kind, you’re perfect. But we weren’t meant to be. I know it, and you know it too.”
“The fuck I know!” Paul said, spreading his hands in the air.
“Yes, you do!” I put my hand on my chest, felt it thumping against my palm. “Your heart, it only ever beats as fast when we talk about Jon getting in between us.”
His mouth dropped open.
“When you thought you had lost me to him at Halloween, you didn’t even hesitate to sleep with Jamie. For months I broke my head over it, thinking you did it because I pushed you away. But if you had truly loved me, you would’ve stepped up when you saw Jon and me kiss. You wouldn’t have given me the chance to explore my feelings for him when you left for Germany. You would’ve shown me in every way that you could love me better than him. But you didn’t. And I think that’s because a part of you wanted me to be there for him.” I pressed my hand against my chest to have something to hold on to.
Paul’s shoulders dropped along with his gaze. “I wanted you to save him... I knew I couldn’t,” he said. “And I was right. You did help him. Because of you, he got sober. And I lost you for it.” A sob came up his throat. I put my hand on his face, making him look at me again.
“You didn’t lose me, Paul. You invited me into your life, and I’m here to stay if you want me to. Just not in the way we planned.”
Paul slumped back onto the porch stairs and rested his elbows on his knees. I sat down next to him.
“So we were doomed the second I walked away at Halloween,” he concluded after a few minutes of silence.
“It was already doomed the night we met because we kissed while you were still with another girl.” I said it softly, without any trace of blame. In German, we’d say it was the stone that brought everything rolling. A chain reaction.
I carefully rested my head on his shoulder and took his hand. “Thank you... for teaching me what love is. For being the best first boyfriend I could’ve ever had. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the same for you.”
He wiped his eyes. “So it’s really true... We’re over.” His voice was so quiet, I could barely hear it.
“Y-yes.”
I didn’t come into Paul’s life for him. I came into it for his best friend. The risky one, the one who made my heart pine and ache when he wasn’t around.
When I came to America wanting to experience true love, I never expected to learn that there were multiple forms of love—or how much love could hurt. I loved Paul like a best friend, a soulmate even. But no matter how hard we tried, we didn’t speak the same language when it came to our hearts.
He reached into his pocket and drew out the little satin box, letting out a chuckle. “Even in the last few weeks I was prepared to step in. To marry you if he wouldn’t so you could stay.”
I was touched, but I knew my answer would’ve been no. “It wouldn’t be right.” I could almost feel my words sinking down with the sun that was almost gone.
He leaned down and placed a kiss on my forehead. “You’ll always be my family, Emi.”
A loud sob escaped my throat. “You’re mine too.”
We both got up, wiping the tears from each other’s faces. Paul and I had something so strong, we would be bonded for life whether we wanted it or not. He was a part of me and I was a part of him. He would always be there in my head, in my heart. Following me on my path wherever I went.