Page 96 of The Lucky One

Paul rushed up, took my palms and placed them on my chest. “It’s okay. Put pressure on your chest. Now breathe in—” He took a long breath himself. “And out.”

I mirrored his movements until I felt my body calm down again. He must’ve learned this in his own therapy.

“Better?” Paul asked with a kind smile, but nothing could stop the tidal wave of guilt crashing down on me. I crushed my fingers over my face.

“I’m so sorry, Paul. I had no idea you felt like this. When you left for Germany I thought...” A sob wrenched my voice.

“What did you think?” His breath hitched as he carefully removed my hands from my face.

“I thought you weren’t sure about me.” All those months I thought he didn’t want to be with me when he was actually planning our long-term future together.

Paul brushed a strand of hair out of my face. “I never doubted wanting to be with you.”

His gaze fell on my lips, and it was too much for my heart to handle. Jon’s words floated through my head: He won’t stop trying until he’s sure that you’re done with him. And Caroline’s: Communication is key. You should talk without leaving room for interpretation. Paul leaned in, and I—

“I need some air!”

I ducked past him and ran up the stairs out of the basement. I stopped when I got to the porch in the backyard, sitting down on the steps and burying my face in my hands. After a few breaths, I heard Paul sitting down next to me. He lit a cigarette and looked up at the sky.

“You don’t even like smoking,” I said.

“It’s a special occasion.” He puffed out smoke. With a little twitch, I realized I wouldn’t mind one either.

He sighed, pointing with the cig at the orange-tinted sky. “You know, when I was in Germany, I found out why you love sunsets so much.”

A pang in my chest. We had never talked about his time there.

“Your bed... it has a perfect view of the mountains. Every night I would lie down there and feel this sense of calm I didn’t feel at any other time of the day.”

I knew exactly what he meant. Whenever the sun was setting, it reminded me that I—

“It was like a reminder that I’d made it through another day.”

Exactly.

“Being in Germany, I realized how much I didn’t know about you. For months I thought you liked playing the mysterious one to keep things interesting—but you don’t do that with Jon.”

The conversation was taking a direction I didn’t see coming. I thought we’d be talking about the ring, but here he was addressing why we didn’t work out in the first place.

He scooted a bit closer. “Why did you never tell me about Richard? Your father...? Your mental health problems? Do you think I wouldn’t have understood?”

I gasped for air. “You know about all that?”

“Lucas told me how Richard treated you like you were never good enough. I experienced it a bit myself.”

I buried my face in my lap. Moments passed. Paul waited patiently for me to say something. Finally, I peeked up at the sky, wrapping my arms around myself. “We don’t need to talk about this right now.”

He threw the cig on the ground. “For the last few weeks I’ve tried being your friend. I actually convinced myself that spending time with you, no matter how, was better than not being with you at all.”

My throat burned. This felt like a breakup all over again.

“But the more time I spend with you, the more I realize that I can’t move on until I know. Please... I need to know why you chose him.”

I tried to swallow but my throat was swollen. When I talked to Kiki earlier, I meant what I said. I was over Paul, as my lover anyway. I wanted him to find happiness more than I wanted it for myself. It was now or never—to speak without leaving room for interpretation.

“After the night I first met you, when we started talking... I was so attracted to you. Drawn to how good you were. You had life under control, you could do whatever you wanted. You gave me stability, a new family, so much love. Basically everything.”

“Then why wasn’t that enough?” Paul came closer and cupped my cheeks. I closed my eyes, soaking in this moment I knew could be our last.