Page 122 of The Backup Plan
I meant, can we get lunch and talk about how you’re feeling?
Justin
I’m tired. I don’t want to talk about last night.
Avery
Fine. I don’t want to talk about you, anyway.
I NEED YOU. I NEED MY BROTHER AND I AM NOT OKAY. PLEASE.
Justin
I’ll be there as soon as I’m done with my scan.
“I’ve just been drawing waves on the ceiling,” Avery said when he asked about her morning. She gestured, arms wide, painting with her fingers. “All swirls and spirals and big whooshes. Layers and layers of water right over my head. And I felt nothing.”
“Are you trying to feel afraid again?”
“I’m trying to feel that rush I got when I felt unafraid. Now it’s like there’s nothing to celebrate. It’s dull and flat, like none of it even matters. Like none of it happened.”
“From everything you explained about how Cam took the big reveal, it doesn’t seem like you should be feeling so bad, Avie.”
“I know.”
“He’s not the kind of guy who says he’s fine just to get someone off his case. Not someone close to him, anyway. So if he said that, he meant it.”
“I knew you’d tell me that. I needed you to tell me that.”
Justin brightened. “Problem solved?”
“I wish.”
“Is it what Gia said? I know you said it doesn’t bother you, but seriously, it would bother me if I were you. I’m going to have a hard time not saying anything to Hakeem, but since that’s what you want, I’ll try.”
“What she said about me and Cam is just drama. People can say what they want. Whether the thing with Isaac was real or fake, we don’t owe anyone a timeline. But I…” She trailed off, then wetted her throat with a sip of her ice water. “I don’t really have any friends here. I know it’s not just Gia saying that to be shitty about the other girls in that crowd, because Mindy more or less said the same thing. We don’t have to talk about her, but the fact that she noticed too just makes it hard to ignore. I have you and your friends. That’s it.”
He scooted to the other side of the booth and put his arm around her shoulders. “You always have me. And I’ve been such a dick, and I’m so sorry, but?—”
“I can’t only have you. Nothing’s changed since I left home. You were right about that. I just blow up everything and I’m too demanding and over the top and people only like me in little doses. Natasha hardly talks to me now. She says I exhaust her. That girl Breanna I met during Freshman Week never wants to do anything when I ask anymore. There was this super-cool girl in my drawing class who I talked to for a little bit about some of her pieces, but I got way too excited, and I?—”
“Avery, stop.”
She clamped her mouth shut.
“Every guy on that team is not my friend, you know. We’re friendly, but that doesn’t mean I have a ton of friends. Even before I lost my mind and made a big scene, there’s a handful of guys on that team I really call friends. Four or five. That’s it. And I sure don’t show it very well, but I’m grateful to have them. I bet most people don’t have that many friends they can truly trust.”
“I asked you to breach Cam’s trust. I asked Isaac to do that, too.”
“You made a very convincing case, and you played it about as clean as you could. And we both knew enough to think you might be onto something.”
“It was still stupid.”
“It worked, and he’s not mad.” He sipped his coffee.
“For now. Maybe for now it’s cute how I tried some crazy thing to get his attention, but one day, it’ll be too much. I’ll be too much.”
“Avie, what do you need? Do you want me to tell you to tone yourself down so you can have a girl-power moment and tell me I’m wrong and you’re a goddess? Don’t play those games with yourself. Don’t ask me to knock you down so you can get back up, and don’t put words in Cam’s mouth so you can redeem yourself for some fault he doesn’t see.”