Page 112 of Raven's Dawn

It was because everything that I felt for her, he felt for me.

And I didn’t pull away at first because I felt horrible for not realizing it sooner.

When he talked about how much it must hurt, to see the person you love in a tent with someone else they love, he wasn’t talking about Rain and her relationship with Warren and Ezra. It was about him. It was about him watching me hold Rain’s hand, and kiss her cheek, and shut the bedroom door behind us.

It hurt. It hurt so badly, because no words could describe how much Jake Carter meant to me. When I said that I loved this man, I meant it. I loved him with everything I had. I respected him, and I was grateful for him, and I cherished him.

But, to answer his question, no.

I loved him as much as I loved Rain, but no. Not in the same way.

Pulling back slowly, I tried desperately to find the right words. All I could come up with, though, was, “Jake…”

“I know.” His voice cracked. Clearing it away, he wiped a tear from his cheek. “I thought, maybe, I was wrong. When I saw you all dancing together, it looked like maybe it wasn’t just Warren and Ezra that feel the way they do about men. I thought maybe you do too. But, uh, I…” Another throat clear. He stood. Too quickly, he stood. He wobbled, and I thought he might fall into the fire, so I reached out for his arm, but the second our hands touched, he yanked his away. “Don’t touch me.”

I dropped my hand back to my side, standing to face him better. “I’m sorry. I—I wish I did. I wish I loved you the same way, because I—I don’t want to hurt you. You’ve been through so much, and?—”

“Stop.” Refusing to look at me, his voice cracked and he begged me. “Please, just stop.”

“But I’m not upset with you,” I said. “Holding onto that for so long, keeping that inside, not telling anyone, I can’t imagine how hard that’s been, and I support you. I do love you, I just?—”

“Stop saying that!” His eyes met mine. Still, so warm, so comforting, so inviting. So hurt. “Please. Please stop.”

I wanted to say more. I wanted to make sure he knew that I wasn’t shaming him, and that I was proud of him for coming out, and that I would support him, and that I did love him.

But that was just it.

That was what hurt him. That I loved him, but that I wasn’t in love with him.

Instead, I just whispered, “I’m sorry.”

He tried muffling the sound into his hand, but I still heard him sniffle. “I’m gonna go for a walk.”

“Do you want me to?—”

“I want you to go back in there to the woman you love and forget this happened.”

“Jake—”

“It hurts too much, so please just stop.” One more of those warm, inviting, comforting, now aching looks. “Please stop.”

So, this time, when he turned away, I did as he asked.

I stopped.

39

RAIN

Graham came back upstairs with tears running down his cheeks. I made out two words before he said, “You should go check on your brother.” I started to prod for more, but he continued. “He was walking to the woods. I’m sure if you search for his energy, you’ll find him. But I think he needs someone right now, and it can’t be me.”

After losing my mom to suicide, I knew what those words could mean. Jake may have seemed fine earlier, but feelings change like the weather. Especially for people so young, ones who hadn’t learned to regulate them yet.

So I shot out of the bed, yanked on my robe, and ran out of the house. I didn’t yell for him. I didn’t have to. At the edge of the forest, I heard him crying. That sound was my terrifying lighthouse. A guiding post to him.

Sure enough, I found him. He sat on a log below a pine tree with his head in his hands.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, squatting down in front of him.