Page 134 of Ryker
“Ohhh, you boys are going to be the death of me.” Mom marches over with her hands on her hips, glowering at us. Her stern expression melts almost instantly, and she ruffles my hair. “I’m just glad no one was seriously hurt. What would I do without my boys?” She grabs a first aid kit out of the bathroom and helps Vault with his hand while the rest of us devour a bunch of grilled cheese sandwiches. “They were really pretty, though.”
Vault’s eyes light up because we’ve all been forgiven. “Did you see the swirly gold one?”
“Yeah, that was amazing.” My mom beams him a huge smile. Then her brow bunches up. “Not sure how I feel about you four being pyrotechnicians though.”
“I’m not a fan,” Knox shivers. “I nearly blew my balls off.”
We all start laughing, my mom included, and then she doubles over and winces.
Shit. “You okay, Mom?”
“I’m fine.” She holds her hand up to stop me from coming over. “I think I ate something that’s upset my stomach.”
I don’t like how often she says those words. And my mom hasn’t eaten anything all day that I know of. “How about you go to bed. We’ll be quiet for you.”
“Don’t you dare.” She starts coughing, which also makes her hold her stomach. “Boys are supposed to be loud. I want my home filled with noise. I’ll be fine. I’m just going to lie down for a bit.”
“Want us to save you a grilled cheese for later, Miss Ashley?” Knox takes a big bite out of his third one.
“No, baby. You guys eat those up.” She says goodnight and heads into her room, shutting the door softly…
A week later she was diagnosed with cancer.
“You know,” I say, half grinning. “We’re still pretty loud.” The club music blasting from upstairs proves it.
What would my mother say if she knew what kind of man I’ve turned into?
“She’d be proud of you, Ry.” Dmitri pushes off the wall and swaggers across the room to snag a water from his mini fridge. “I’m proud of you.”
I gotta go. I can’t do this yet. I thought I was ready, but I’m not. “I’ll be back in a couple hours.”
“K.”
My molars hurt from how hard I grind them. After grabbing bolt cutters from the basement storage room, I set out for the night. Sometimes when I go for a ride on my bike, my intrusive, suicidal thoughts scream loudly. Tonight, they don’t say a word.
The streets turn into a maze for me to snake through, a path that leads me to a finish line I could find in my sleep.
Greene Street is quiet this time of night. It’s dark and eerie. The streetlamps illuminate graffiti painted on the side of my old apartment building, and the alley is filled with trash and broken furniture. Pulling out my bolt cutters, I break the lock on the door and kick it open.
Mildew and stale air invade my nose. My boot steps echo up the stairwell. Stumbling out onto the roof, cool air smacks my face. There’s a dead pigeon, some broken beer bottles, and yup, it’s still here. The melted spot from the fireworks all those years ago.
Jesus, they never did anything to improve this place. It’s a shithole now, just like it was a shithole then.
But it was home.
My best and worst memories were built in this brick biohazard building.
Heart pounding, palms sweating, I stalk over to the edge and look down. Wind blows around me, swirling like my thoughts. A car zooms below, blasting music. The traffic lights keep changing even though there’s no one around to follow them.
Life, even in the darkest hour, keeps going.
Taking a deep breath, my chest balloons out with a roar I unleash into the night. I scream until there’s nothing left in my lungs. Nothing left in me. No fight. No anger. No remorse.
No shame.
All my life, I did the best I could for myself, for my mom, and for my friends. No, it wasn’t ideal, but I’ve made it this far. I need to keep going.
Tara’s beautiful face fills my mind. What she did for herself today bolsters my need to do what I’ve been too scared of for so long. She knows her worth. She might have been afraid to stand up for herself, but she fucking did it, anyway. She’s grabbing life by the balls and will have it kneeling at her feet. Whatever she does from here on out, it’ll be great.