Page 103 of Nocte

Maybe I do.

A name. A life. A purpose. A meaning.

He existed once. What was his name? I can’t remember. I can’t remember.

Can’t…

Then I smell sweet air on soft skin and I do remember.

Collin. Someone named Collin. I was him once. Once.

No more. Never can I ever be him again.

But he existed once, a part of me that Cassius will never touch. After all these years, he hasn’t snuffed him out. Collin. He is who I cling to in this torment of mindless thought.

He is my anchor without my master, Cassius.

Collin. Someone named Collin. I was him once.

I have no choice but to be him again—an amalgamation of him and who I am now. Caspian.

I am Caspian.

Was Caspian.

Still am Caspian.

I want to remain as Caspian until the day I fucking die.

CHAPTER39

Niamh

Ilie beside my Caspian and stroke my fingers through his hair. I speak to his unyielding, emotionless face.

I tell him all about the dark, wicked things in my heart and mind.

“How can I not be fae?” I ask him.

Easy,the silence replies.You knew you were a corrupted thing. A dirty, unwanted thing.

You knew.

You knew!

How dare you take offense now.

But that is the thing…

“I was something,” I say to the darkness, shrouding us both. Me and my Caspian. “I was something, even if it was dirty and broken. I was something. How can I be nothing? If I am not fae… I am nothing.”

I bore my abominable nature with shame and pain, but also pride. I lived among the fae, even if I wasn’t fully one of them. In some small way, I was still a part of them.

But now?

“I am worthless,” I tell him, my Caspian. “I am nothing. If I am not even a tiny bit fae, then I am nothing.”

Caspian doesn’t reply. He sits and stares in silence. Even as tears roll down my face and wet his lap, he doesn’t react with violence or annoyance. He doesn’t react at all.