Page 104 of Nocte

Not even as I sob in the heavy dark and mourn the life I took for granted.

I thought by leaving the other realm behind, I could fulfill my selfish wish. My only desire.

But in the end…

I left myself behind. There is no unwanted fae creature out here. No Niamh.

Just a thing with no face and no name. No soul.

A truly unwanted thing.

* * *

I waste the seconds away,wishing they were decades. I changed my mind. I could spend centuries here alone with him. Centuries of waiting. Centuries upon centuries of lying against his cold, hard skin and trying to find warmth in it.

Centuries of waiting for him to come back, my Caspian.

He would scoff at me were he here fully. Hiss and laugh at my tears and my pain.

You foolish fae,he’d snarl.You are a foolish, stupid fae.

And it would be enough. To hear him declare me as such would be enough. Enough to silence Altaris and the Lord Master and everyone.

What he deemed me as would be enough. I would become it.

Fae.

Not-fae.

Niamh.

Someone else.

I would become whatever he wanted if…

No.Because that is the thing about my Caspian. He would scoff at any attempt to change what I am. Any attempts to erase my pain and shame. He saw me as an unwanted creature, first and foremost.

A creature to kill.

One to destroy.

He saw those things in me and wanted those pieces of a corrupted soul anyway. He wanted me. Niamh. At least, he thought he wanted Niamh.

Was it Niamh he ever truly wanted?

Or merely to rebel. To shun his master and needle him with the thought of me. The image of me. His master wanted him so very badly. Badly enough to give a toy he could never rightfully claim. Badly enough to send his siblings to fetch him.

Badly enough to keep him whole, even if his mind is in ruins.

His master wanted him, oh so very badly.

So, I will have to fix him. I will have to shove his pieces back together and remind him of who and what he is.

“You are Caspian,” I tell him softly. “You drained ten people dry in the Bleeding Hearts Motel. You ripped people apart limb from limb. I watched you do it. You frighten me. You thrill me. Oh, how you thrill me… You are Caspian and I want you as you are. Come back. Come back!”

He doesn’t. Even as the seconds drip into minutes, then hours, he never comes back.

I am alone again.