Page 57 of Broken Empire
“Isthat what you want?Doyou want me to die?Saythe word andI’llfucking kill myself for you right here and right now,” he says in a voice that sounds so sad and hurt it causes an ache to form in my chest.Asmuch asImay hurt for him,Ican’t forgive him so easily for what he did.
“Ofcourse,Idon’t want you to kill yourself.AllIwant is for you to leave me alone and move on with your life.Youweren’t dying whenIhad to walk in on that bitch riding your dick, afterIwas in the hospital from being drugged,Imight add.Youweren’t fucking dying when you were bullying and tormenting me, were you?Andyou certainly weren’t fucking dying when you were threatening to ruin me!Wellguess what?I’mfucking ruined now, so move the fuck on with someone else.Anda word of advice, don’t be an asshole to her!”Iscream at him as a wave of anger just consumes me andIstart to hit and pound him on the chest over and over again.
WhenIfinally stop hitting him,I’mheaving at the exertion it took to put all my power into those hits.Especially, whenI’mnot all that healed yet, while he just stood there and took it all without even flinching.
“Thereis no one else for me and there’s never going to be anyone else either.You’reit for me,” he says staring down at me with so much intensity, asIstare up at him, not able to control the emotionsIfeel bubbling up inside me.Ifucking hate thatIcan’t control them and after being held captiveIfeel like it’s so much worse now.
Ihate being the crying and blubbering idiot thatI’veturned into.Ihate being so fucking weak.
Ijust wishIcouldn’t feel anything at all anymore.Amoment later he gets down onto his knees before me, which completely surprises me.Wrappinghis arms around my middle, he rests his head on my stomach and just stays there for a minute.
“I’mso fucking sorry baby.You’llnever know how muchIhate myself for everythingIdid to you and everythingIlet happen to you.I’mso fucking sorry you had to see me in a position like that whenIpromised you forever.Itwas right afterIthought you were cheating on me andIknow that’s no excuse.I’mnot trying to excuse my behavior;IknowIwas wrong on every single level there is.I’mso fucking sorry for the bullying and every hurtful thingIever said and did to you.Butplease don’t fucking leave me,Ineed you in my life.Pleasejust tell me what you need me to do so that you can forgive me.I’mbegging you,” he says, his face still pressed into my stomach and that’s whenIfeel the wetness on my shirt.
Justthen he lifts his face to look up at me andIsee there are tears running down his face.He’scrying…
Idon’t thinkI’veever seen him cry and it’s breaking my heart all over again but also, there were so many times when he made me cry and he reveled in it.Hedidn’t care about howIfelt and that shit still hurts right now.
Ishould be more focused on what happened to me but somehow allIcan focus on is him and what he put me through.Fuckedin the head?Yeah,I’mbeginning to think so.
“Pleasejust give me some space.I-Ican’t do any of this right now,”Isob and plead with him.Hepulls away and sits back on his knees, giving me some space, as he wipes his tears away and nods his head at me.
Itake the opportunity to slip past him and into the bathroom.Ilock the door behind me, just to make sure that he doesn’t come in andIhead straight into the shower and turn the water on, still in my clothes and all.
I’mheaving at the pain in my chest.Myback hits the shower wall and when it feels like my legs can no longer support me,Islide down finally letting the sobs that were threatening to escape rack my body.
Ihope the water will drown out the sounds becauseIcan’t go another round with him right now.Whydoes it all have to be this complicated?Ihonestly don’t even want to live anymore, if this is what my days are going to be like.
I’mjust… tired.
So, fucking tired.
WINTER
WhenIfinally made itout of the shower after my meltdown yesterday,Masonhad already left the room.WhichIwas thankful for sinceIdidn’t want to get into another confrontation with him.
Heended up giving me the spaceIasked for, butIhave no doubt that won’t last very long.Nowit’s a new day andIhave no idea how this one will go.It’sstill early soIdon’t hear anyone moving around yet.
Theonly reasonI’mup this early is becauseIwas pretty much awake all night.It’sso fucking hard to get any sleep right now becauseI’mstuck with these stupid nightmares.Thereis no peace for me these days.Actually,Ihaven’t felt a moment’s peace in a very long time.
Iget dressed and leave my room for the first time alone, to somewhere that isn’t the medical room.Ihead to what is the outdoor deck at the back of the cabin.Thoughit’s not like a regular one since it’s enclosed with whatI’mpretty sure is bulletproof glass.
WhenIstep out onto the deck, the heat instantly warms me, asImove toward the hanging day bed that’s here.Isit back and instantly let out a little sigh because the cushions are super soft and comfy.Ithrow a blanket over my legs before pulling my knees up and wrapping my arms around them.Iget lost inside my head while staring toward the trees at the back of the property.
Ifeel so drained, like there is no more life left inside me.Idon’t want to do this anymore.It’sa nuisance to constantly have this many thoughts running through my head.Istill feel so raw inside from everything, at how life truly sucks.Theendless fighting withMasonisn’t helping much either.
AndIcan’t help but fight with him, sinceI’mstill so angry.Itfeels like every emotion inside me is fighting for dominance, fighting to be let out, just so they can explode all over again.Isthis what it feels like to slowly lose your mind?Becauseat this point,Ifeel likeImay belong in a psych ward or asylum.
Theurge to hurt myself or hurt everyone around me with my pain, anger and words is so overwhelming.Itfeels like a living breathing thing inside me and allIwant to do is get rid of it all.ButIalso don’t want to be weak and let all that has happened control me.I’mhaving such a fucking tough time…
Outwardlyeverything is fine.Accordingto the doctor when he came to check on me.Well, minus the cuts and bruises that are starting to heal now.Butmentally, he saidI’dneed some help there.Theasshole is the one who actually suggestedIadmit myself to a psych ward as soon as possible soIcould work on my issues with some help.
Imean he’s right, but that’s not whatIwant.Actually,Ihave no fucking clue whatIwant, to be honest.AllIknow is thatIdon’t want anyone poking and prodding inside my head.ButifIdid go through with it though,Ican already imagine how the paparazzi would descend on me, like the vultures they are.Butthat’s what you have to deal with when you’re a part of one of the premier families inRavenwood.
Iwish someone would torture the doc’s ass, then he can come back and tell me how it feels and how much he’d be so eager for someone to go poking around inside his fucking head.Itake a deep breath whenIfeel my heart begin to race from thinking about the thingsIdon’t really want to.Itry to calm myself down sinceIdon’t want to risk having another seizure attack.OnewhileIwas withAntoniowas enough.
Ithink about how much of a bitchI’vebeen being and let out a sigh.IknowIhave no right to be, when we’re at one of my brother’s cabins allowing me to be safe, whileIheal.I’msure he andGraysonare fed up with me because one minuteIlike them both and the next, not so much.
Blessthem for putting up with my mood swings.Thoughthe one person whoI’vebeen truly clashing with, is obviouslyMason.Hewants to be there for me and with me whileInavigate through whatever this is, regardless of my not wanting him here.Atleast that’s whatI’vebeen telling myself…