Page 86 of For the Record
Nathan, Luke, and Liam all shook their heads.
“Nah, don’t listen to him. You did screw up,” Luke said.
Nathan snorted. “Yeah, to be fair, Crew hasn’t had a real relationship in…forever, so he doesn’t get it.”
“Screw you guys. I could have a real relationship tomorrow if I tried hard enough.”
None of us fought him on that one. Crew was good-looking—maybe the most good-looking of us, objectively. But he also was a walking train wreck, and most women realized it about two minutes into a conversation. About the time he started talking about his obsession with different kinds of cheese.
“Look.” Liam leaned in. “Trust me. I lost Marigold by keeping stuff to myself. You did screw up. Own that shit. Don’t play it off as something it wasn’t. You can’t expect to keep her close without actually letting her in. She’s gotta know everything from beginning to end.”
Luke nodded. “We’ve all done it. Being vulnerable with her is the only way you can ensure your marriage stays intact.”
“Is that what you want?” Nathan asked. “To stay married, I mean. Calla made it seem like you guys were doing it for, like, a temporary thing.”
I nodded. “We agreed to use the extra money from my work to help her with her dad’s bills and then to get them both good insurance. Plus, I needed extra money for the renovations. But I knew going into it that I didn’t just want that.”
I pulled a deep breath in through my nose as I worked up every bit of courage to force out the next bit. “We’ve been friends for…years. I met her before I even knew she was Layla’s friend, and then we felt weird because we hooked up once, so we agreed to stay only friends and then,” I paused, remembering every step that led us here. “And then we just kept hanging out. When I realized I was in love with her, it felt like it was too late to go back. Buying into the store, securing it for her, felt like a way I could keep her close.”
“Like a safety net?” Luke asked.
I nodded. “Yeah, basically. I was going to tell her a long time ago. I had plans to tell her about the store and the whole love thing, but just when I was starting to work up the courage, she was going on a date with that baseball player—”
“Oops,” Nathan said, and I glared at him.
“It felt like I needed her to want me for me, and not because I’d bought her a store. So I thought that, after her race, I’d tell her for sure. When I knew without a doubt that she loved me. I had plans today to take her on a ride to her favorite mountain and do a whole setup and just…spill it all out for her. But my phone rang, and the store was flooded. So she knew when they called me about it first.”
“Ouch.” Crew chuckled. “I mean, that is some rough timing. Seriously, what are the chances—Ow. Quit it, Nathan.”
I sighed and leaned back in my chair, raising my hands to take off my hat and run my hands through my hair before putting it back on. “I just don’t know what to do from here.”
“Give her some time. Then, when the opportunity comes, go talk to her,” Liam answered.
Luke nodded. “Yeah, listen to him. He somehow managed to lock Marigold down twice. He knows what he’s doing better than the rest of us.”
Liam smirked, looking out the window to his pregnant wife as she waddled up and down the sidewalk.
Time. I could give her that. If I was going to do this, and I really wanted to, then I’d sacrifice wherever it took. Even if that meant leaving her to herself for a while.
Currently playing: With a Little Help from My Friends, The Beatles
Adam: I’m going to stay at Crew’s for a few days to give you some space. I do love you. I’m sorry.
It was odd when you knew the exact moment a new emotion had entered your brain. At that single text, I felt boiling rage, and yet I also felt this tinge of guilt alongside it. Because I was basically—temporarily—kicking this man out of his house. Plus, I felt grief. Grief for the loss of what we had before. Back when I was ignorant to the giant red flag sitting in front of me.
The logical part of my brain knew Adam wouldn’t purposefully hurt me. Grumpy as he was, that man was a teddy bear. And over the years, he’d shown how he cared for me in all of these little actions. And I believed in them with my whole heart. I just didn’t know there were secrets behind those little actions, whether they were meant to be good or not.
I tried to calm my racing heart, tried to casually toss my phone to the floor beside me and not dissect every word in his text. I tried to turn on a record—Snow Patrol, specifically—and lie back on the hard floor in my Snuggie and drown out all of my bewildering emotions. But every corner of this house was haunted with memories of him. Our Polaroids were still stuck to the fridge. His shoes were aligned at the door. Myrtle sat in her jar in the cabinet, practically begging me to tell her where her dad was. Not really, but I imagined that she would be. But above all, right on the kitchen counter, sat my race belt with my number still attached.
I hated that he’d taken that away from me. That this beautiful core memory was now going to forever be associated with this morning. With the lies and the deceit. No, maybe he hadn’t lied to me outright, but he’d hidden things from me. Big, giant things that were life-altering. I have an investment with too many monthly expenses. Gosh, I was so stupid. An investment. What did I think he was investing in? Watches? Sour straws? His favorite old western films? Come on.
With my head on the floor, I heard four firm knocks at the door, and I shot up.
Adam wouldn’t knock at his own house…right? Whether it was just me here or not.
I turned the volume down on my record player and listened, waiting for anything additional. I was met with silence. Maybe it was just USPS dropping off self-help books to guide Adam through what keeping secrets does to a deeply rooted friendship-slash-marriage. One could dream.
“Rach?” a familiar voice called. “You in there?”